I'm a 17 year old freshman college student and I've struggled with my sexual orientation for most of my life. I am an only child to a Korean family and have been raised Christian all my life. I've always been and still am an active member of the church's youth group choir and praise team. I was also baptized and went through confirmation. And it worries me that I am not who I think I am.
Ever since I can remember, I loved the color pink. I found it pretty. My parents bought me pink stockings (yes, stockings) for my 4th birthday and I loved wearing them. In fact, I didn't stop wearing them until I was 6, when I was bullied for wearing them. When I was 10, I got pink pajamas for Christmas and I loved them. When I was in 7th grade, I wore them to Pajama Day (still seeing nothing wrong with the color) at school. When my classmates saw me in them, they asked me things like: "Are you gay?", and "Pink? But you're a boy!". And then when the 8th graders saw me, they taunted me and called me "Pajamas"... whatever that meant. After that day, I remember coming home, throwing the pajamas in the trash can, and just breaking down into tears on my bed. My parents came home that night and saw the pajamas in the trash and asked me why I threw them out. When I told them, they said "Oh, they're just playing with you. They'll forget about it sooner or later!". Of course, the taunting continued for another year until I graduated and entered 9th grade when I entered Brooklyn Technical High School. I promised myself that I would try as hard as I can to "fit in" and be as "normal" as possible, but that didn't go so well because a few of my classmates from 7th grade attended the same school as me and told everyone else about my "awkwardness". Pretty soon, it was the same thing all over again: "Pajamas", "You're so gay!", "You're weird". It got so bad, that in 10th grade, I attempted to commit suicide by ingesting 10 pills of 500mg pills of Ibuprofen, thinking that if I die, people would believe that I'm not gay. I woke up in the hospital and found out my parents called 911 when they called me down for dinner and I didn't come down. To this day, they believe that it was because of bullying, not because of my struggles with my sexual orientation.
And it wasn't just my color preference. My T.V. show preferences were extremely off. My boy friends would watch violent cartoons such as Dragonball Z, Gundam Wings, Transformers, and Astro Boy, while I would sit with the girls and watch Powerpuff Girls and the Disney Channel. But the strange thing was, I liked Pokemon... probably because BOTH the girls and the boys like it.
When it came to video games, I didn't really enjoy playing them as much as my boy friends. They would play with the Playstation, Playstation 2, and the Gamecube, while I would prefer drawing and coloring books. I would lie constantly to my friends and say that I like video games when deep down inside I knew I didn't. It's strange because when I was around 11 or 12, I started playing computer games but then again, at that time, most of my girl friends played computer games too. When it came to genre, my boy friends preferred shooting games, racing games, and fighting games, while I wouldn't. I would play things like tetris and paddleball on the computer and that was pretty much it... maybe be couple of role-playing games...
As I entered my pre-teen years, my boy friends started to play sports and watch ESPN on a daily basis. Meanwhile, I had no interest in it at all. I hated playing it. I hated watching it. Even today, I don't even know how to play a single sport! I never admitted this fact to any of my friends. EVER. During my physical education classes, I would just pretend I knew how to play and just... do whatever I can to keep them from finding out of that embarrassing fact. And when I overheard a couple of my friends say that "boys who don't like sports HAVE to be gay", it made me question my sexuality even more.
During recess, while all of the boys would play basketball, baseball, kickball, and dodgeball, I would be with the girls playing skiprope and playing hopscotch... When I learned that what I was doing was "girly", I was so ashamed that I sat out all the time during recess.
When I was 12, I remember me wondering why my mom always put on make-up. Out of curiosity, I put some on... just to see what a difference it made. I honestly thought it looked good on me and wanted to put on more, but I wiped it off because I remembered my boy friends say that make-up is for girls. Just the fact that I THOUGHT it looked good on me and that I even tried it on makes me think I'm gay...
My music preferences are feminine as well. I remember singing along to Kelly Clarkson, Cascada, and Christina Aguilera. I remember one time I was doing my homework and was singing "Everytime We Touch" and "Because Of You". And when I heard "Miracle" on the radio, I would sing to that as well. Not only American songs, but Korean songs as well. I would like female vocalists and sing along with them and actually have a good time doing it. Even now I still do. I just try to hide it because I don't want to be made fun of.
I stated before that I was part of the church choir and praise team. The problem is, I have a really high singing voice, very close to that of a girl at times. I remember back in 2005 or 2006 Thanksgiving when I sang soprano while all the other boys sang tenor or bass. And it was like that until I discovered I was the ONLY boy soprano... The conductor said she liked me because I was really good. She said I had a voice of an "angel", but because of all the teasing, I moved down to tenor.
During my high school years, I've never liked a girl. I told my parents that I had a girlfriend just because I didn't want to say I didn't. I always found it strange that other boys liked girls. They would always talk about their breasts and butts and I would be like, what's so great about it? And I found a few guys actually pretty attractive at times... I've told myself that I'm straight every time that happened but I felt like I'm lying to myself.
My problem is figuring out who I am...
And if I am gay or bi, I don't know how I'm going to come out.
If I tell my parents, I doubt they'll accept me. They are the typical Korean parents, conservative, strict, and mean. And to make it worse, they are deacons at the church and I don't want to embarrass them. My mom especially is real close friends with an elder at the church and I don't want their relationship to get ruined because of me. My dad is definitely homophobic... When he picked me up from college last week so I can be home for the weekend, he told me that gays are an abomination and kept saying that I should avoid them at all costs... Because I need him for financial support, I can't tell him. I fear that he's going to say that I'm no longer his son or something...
I feel that none of my friends will accept me either if I told them. Many of them are from my church and know I'm baptized and confirmed. Heck, they even SAW me during the ceremony. If I told them now, I feel like they will take it very offensively and reject me forever.
I need some help.