I need help...

rkim1993's picture

I'm a 17 year old freshman college student and I've struggled with my sexual orientation for most of my life. I am an only child to a Korean family and have been raised Christian all my life. I've always been and still am an active member of the church's youth group choir and praise team. I was also baptized and went through confirmation. And it worries me that I am not who I think I am.

Ever since I can remember, I loved the color pink. I found it pretty. My parents bought me pink stockings (yes, stockings) for my 4th birthday and I loved wearing them. In fact, I didn't stop wearing them until I was 6, when I was bullied for wearing them. When I was 10, I got pink pajamas for Christmas and I loved them. When I was in 7th grade, I wore them to Pajama Day (still seeing nothing wrong with the color) at school. When my classmates saw me in them, they asked me things like: "Are you gay?", and "Pink? But you're a boy!". And then when the 8th graders saw me, they taunted me and called me "Pajamas"... whatever that meant. After that day, I remember coming home, throwing the pajamas in the trash can, and just breaking down into tears on my bed. My parents came home that night and saw the pajamas in the trash and asked me why I threw them out. When I told them, they said "Oh, they're just playing with you. They'll forget about it sooner or later!". Of course, the taunting continued for another year until I graduated and entered 9th grade when I entered Brooklyn Technical High School. I promised myself that I would try as hard as I can to "fit in" and be as "normal" as possible, but that didn't go so well because a few of my classmates from 7th grade attended the same school as me and told everyone else about my "awkwardness". Pretty soon, it was the same thing all over again: "Pajamas", "You're so gay!", "You're weird". It got so bad, that in 10th grade, I attempted to commit suicide by ingesting 10 pills of 500mg pills of Ibuprofen, thinking that if I die, people would believe that I'm not gay. I woke up in the hospital and found out my parents called 911 when they called me down for dinner and I didn't come down. To this day, they believe that it was because of bullying, not because of my struggles with my sexual orientation.

And it wasn't just my color preference. My T.V. show preferences were extremely off. My boy friends would watch violent cartoons such as Dragonball Z, Gundam Wings, Transformers, and Astro Boy, while I would sit with the girls and watch Powerpuff Girls and the Disney Channel. But the strange thing was, I liked Pokemon... probably because BOTH the girls and the boys like it.

When it came to video games, I didn't really enjoy playing them as much as my boy friends. They would play with the Playstation, Playstation 2, and the Gamecube, while I would prefer drawing and coloring books. I would lie constantly to my friends and say that I like video games when deep down inside I knew I didn't. It's strange because when I was around 11 or 12, I started playing computer games but then again, at that time, most of my girl friends played computer games too. When it came to genre, my boy friends preferred shooting games, racing games, and fighting games, while I wouldn't. I would play things like tetris and paddleball on the computer and that was pretty much it... maybe be couple of role-playing games...

As I entered my pre-teen years, my boy friends started to play sports and watch ESPN on a daily basis. Meanwhile, I had no interest in it at all. I hated playing it. I hated watching it. Even today, I don't even know how to play a single sport! I never admitted this fact to any of my friends. EVER. During my physical education classes, I would just pretend I knew how to play and just... do whatever I can to keep them from finding out of that embarrassing fact. And when I overheard a couple of my friends say that "boys who don't like sports HAVE to be gay", it made me question my sexuality even more.

During recess, while all of the boys would play basketball, baseball, kickball, and dodgeball, I would be with the girls playing skiprope and playing hopscotch... When I learned that what I was doing was "girly", I was so ashamed that I sat out all the time during recess.

When I was 12, I remember me wondering why my mom always put on make-up. Out of curiosity, I put some on... just to see what a difference it made. I honestly thought it looked good on me and wanted to put on more, but I wiped it off because I remembered my boy friends say that make-up is for girls. Just the fact that I THOUGHT it looked good on me and that I even tried it on makes me think I'm gay...

My music preferences are feminine as well. I remember singing along to Kelly Clarkson, Cascada, and Christina Aguilera. I remember one time I was doing my homework and was singing "Everytime We Touch" and "Because Of You". And when I heard "Miracle" on the radio, I would sing to that as well. Not only American songs, but Korean songs as well. I would like female vocalists and sing along with them and actually have a good time doing it. Even now I still do. I just try to hide it because I don't want to be made fun of.

I stated before that I was part of the church choir and praise team. The problem is, I have a really high singing voice, very close to that of a girl at times. I remember back in 2005 or 2006 Thanksgiving when I sang soprano while all the other boys sang tenor or bass. And it was like that until I discovered I was the ONLY boy soprano... The conductor said she liked me because I was really good. She said I had a voice of an "angel", but because of all the teasing, I moved down to tenor.

During my high school years, I've never liked a girl. I told my parents that I had a girlfriend just because I didn't want to say I didn't. I always found it strange that other boys liked girls. They would always talk about their breasts and butts and I would be like, what's so great about it? And I found a few guys actually pretty attractive at times... I've told myself that I'm straight every time that happened but I felt like I'm lying to myself.

My problem is figuring out who I am...
And if I am gay or bi, I don't know how I'm going to come out.
If I tell my parents, I doubt they'll accept me. They are the typical Korean parents, conservative, strict, and mean. And to make it worse, they are deacons at the church and I don't want to embarrass them. My mom especially is real close friends with an elder at the church and I don't want their relationship to get ruined because of me. My dad is definitely homophobic... When he picked me up from college last week so I can be home for the weekend, he told me that gays are an abomination and kept saying that I should avoid them at all costs... Because I need him for financial support, I can't tell him. I fear that he's going to say that I'm no longer his son or something...

I feel that none of my friends will accept me either if I told them. Many of them are from my church and know I'm baptized and confirmed. Heck, they even SAW me during the ceremony. If I told them now, I feel like they will take it very offensively and reject me forever.
I need some help.

MacAvity's picture

Hi

First off, welcome to Oasis. This is exactly the place for confusion like this.

But it sounds like you're diagnosing yourself more based on your femininity than any actual attractions. In terms of orientation, it sounds like you're not into girls and may or may not be interested in boys. But that may not actually be the case.

And your orientation has nothing to do with the fact that you like pink and girly and so forth. It's definitely possible to be straight and girly, although it sounds like that's probably not what you are. There may also be the possibility that you might be a girl - how much do you know about gender identity? I'd recommend reading up on the idea of 'transgender,' see if you feel like that might be you.

I'm sorry that your parents are like that. That makes everything harder.

Keep journalling, friend. It helps, sometimes it helps more than anything. Get your thoughts out; there are real people here who read and care. There's also a lot to be learned by reading the journals of others - familiarity with the queer world, yes, but also... when you get to know and accept these people, be they gay or bi or transgendered or what-have-you, it helps toward knowing and accepting yourself.

I hope this helps. And, again, welcome.

elph's picture

Welcome...

A quite thorough introduction!

Just a suggestion for now (more later)... It is not wise to post personal information on the public pages that makes it easy to facilitate identification.

I personally feel a bit uneasy about your mentioning the specific HS you attended... You may wish to go back and edit... dunno...

This particular page is open to all --- including Google! Personal info that you wish to share can safely be posted on your accounts/profile page; that page can be accessed only by registered members (and not by search engines like Google)!

rkim1993's picture

Thanks for the replies

I looked into transgender and it seems I may fit in that category... I still find it extremely hard to come out to people about this fact. Everyone I know is heterosexual and are in my eyes what "normal" is. I feel like they'll stop considering me a friend and just cut me out of their lives...

I forgot to add that I've had dreams where I would be in a relationship with another male. I just brushed it off, but slowly it started becoming more and more frequent and now it's keeping me up all night. I often get less than 3 hours of sleep because of this.

And also, I'm actually closer with my mom than my dad. What I mean is that I spend more time with my mom than my dad. I like to cook with my mom, clean with my mom, etc, while other boys like to go play catch, baseball, go fishing, with their dads... Does this mean anything?

As for my personal information, I doubt this post will ever pop up when the school is searched... And because there are so many students, I doubt anyone will know it is me...

It's great to know that there are people who care.
I'll read on and hopefully find a time when I feel comfortable with my orientation and finally come out about it...

elph's picture

Dreaming about a "male"...

(a euphemism for "boy"?) causes you to lose sleep?

I hope that you're not so disturbed by your dreams that you lie awake worrying?

My recommendation: Just enjoy your dreams! (They are enjoyable... right?)

rkim1993's picture

Yes. It keeps me up.

I worry all night because I enjoyed it.
I worry all night because the FACT that I enjoyed disturbs me.
I believed that I was a heterosexual all my life and lived a life of a heterosexual... I worry because I don't know how to come out to people about this. How am I going to tell my parents, who are conservative, homophobic, and extremely strict that I'm gay? Would I be accepted by my friends for being gay? Would everyone at church reject me? Or will they support me? They all thought I'd be a normal heterosexual man and suddenly I come out of the closet?

It's a question of morals that keeps me up.
I want to be myself but have to go against my family's morals and I feel like I'm committing a crime.

java.bean's picture

tough situation there. I am

tough situation there. I am lucky to have a mom who acceptes me and still cares. But since you are depending on your father for finantial support, i wouldnt tell them just now. As Surprising as it may seem, despite your fathers comments, you are his son, and i feel that if you can come out at the right moment, i think he will accept you. I understand i know nothing of how your father may react but you shouldnt live a lie to your parents. As for friends, coming out also means gaining friends, and if your friends leave you, they werent real freiends. You have a tough fight ahead of you but im sure the best will come out of it, it usually does. :)

rkim1993's picture

Thanks...

I don't know about my parents.
They probably believe that they raised me successfully now that I've gone off to college and am living on my own. If I told them I was gay, I feel like I'm going to ruin their pride. And I do rely on them for financial support, college tuition, textbooks, dorming, etc, so I feel like I should wait for the right time. But when do you suppose it is the right time? After I graduate? Would they be mad at me?

I don't know about my friends. I'm sure more than half will leave me for good. You're right about them not being real friends if they leave me just because of my sexual orientation. Knowing that I can still have friends who care even after I come out makes me feel really comfortable. Thanks. :D

java.bean's picture

tough situation there. I am

tough situation there. I am lucky to have a mom who acceptes me and still cares. But since you are depending on your father for finantial support, i wouldnt tell them just now. As Surprising as it may seem, despite your fathers comments, you are his son, and i feel that if you can come out at the right moment, i think he will accept you. I understand i know nothing of how your father may react but you shouldnt live a lie to your parents. As for friends, coming out also means gaining friends, and if your friends leave you, they werent real freiends. You have a tough fight ahead of you but im sure the best will come out of it, it usually does. :)

Fantastic Rainbows's picture

Hi and welcome!!

It seems you're in a tough spot,I'd try to get support and information from the forums and all the good information on the internet.That's what I did in the height of my confusion and I continue to do it cause it helps.People here care cause all of us share similair stories of pain and hardship.I believe it works out maybe not the way we always think it should,sometimes we have to go through difficulty to learn and grow,sometimes it's not fair or just.All I can tell you is keep holding on there,do the best you can and please stop being so judgemental of yourself.Give yoursef a break!Take a warm bath or something and stop worrying for now,go have some fun be nice to yourself. See you on the forums,....Joey. We all need some lovin' so why do we hate?-Santana.

rkim1993's picture

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot. Means a lot to me.
I actually talked to someone yesterday about it and she was like: "Oh quit it, just be yourself. Ain't no one got the right to judge anyone. Go out man, you're always in that fucking college dorm of yours and studying and worryin'! Go have some fun tonight!". And no kidding, I actually did.
It was the BEST 4 hours of my life. And I slept like a baby. LMAO.

I'm actually planning to go to my first "Rainbow Alliance" meeting in a couple of days just to meet some people who are willing to hear me out instead of judge me. Knowing that there are people who actually are going through the same thing as I, makes me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I've actually had a good nights sleep ever since I started to open up to some people.

I called my mom today and had a conversation. During the conversation, I asked them how she would react if I told them a terrible secret and they said, "Honey, you're my baby and you always will be. I love you no matter what". It felt so great hearing her say that to me. But I have yet to open up to her. But at least I can stop worrying about being rejected by her.

I have yet to talk to my dad. He's a very tough one to deal with. But sometimes I think he already knows I am gay or something. Cause he's ALWAYS talking about how it's so bad when I'm with him. It's like he's trying to prevent me from coming out because he's afraid himself of what might happen. You know what I mean? But I've stopped worrying because some of my friends told me that he'll get it sooner or later and that he'll just have to accept me because I'm all he's got (since my parents are divorced).