Ivan- gender Confusion (advice, please!)

goodnightsupergirl's picture

I don't feel like a girl. I don't like being s girl. I don'tt know if I am a girl. What makes a girl? What makes a woman. What makes a man? I don't know when I started questioning my gender.. its jus, something doesn't feel right. Something is indescribably wrong. I don't feel like I was born into the wrong body or anything, I just feel like everyone but me sees it in the wrong way; I ave no problem with my girl parts or my boobs, well I have a little problem with my boobs but I'm so flat-chested that a sports bra or two later and they practically disseapear. Not like the rest of me. Not like my face, which is the epitome of femininity. NOt my self comfort level, which is somewhere around my ankles. Not like everyone else NOt like the laughs and snickers, the stares and silence when I enter a store. So lately, I've been binding my chest. Wanted to see how it looked. I wasn't trying to present myself as a boy, but I felt like I looked good. so later on I went shopping to look for better fitting shirtss, and the cashiers all stopped talking and looked at me. I pretend I didn't notice. But then I turned back around d dand they were all laughing. I didn't look t hat weird- I swear! Just your regular old black girl, jeans and and adidas track jacket, just with the abscence of boobs. Hair pulled back into a messy bun. It happened in everstore I went to, cashier's laughing or following me nervously around waiting for me to steal something. Some old lady nearly crashed her bike while watching me anxiously instead of the road. Well,if yor going to stare, smile then cause I'm kind of bautiful. Beautiful, but confused. Im somewher e floating between a freaky girl and a prettyboy. I'm 5'7 and wieigh like 115 llbs, and my face is super, duper feminine I used to model. Did I mention Im' in Germany, living with a family of strangers, including a hostbrother who is somewhat of an asshole?! If I were at home, this wouldn't be stressing me so. I'm out as a lesbian to my mother, but I don't feel like a lesbian! I sometimes feel like a straight guy, sometimes like an alien. I can see myself as a boy. Short curly hair, lanky and quiet, but confident, dammit!! Confiden and kind, free to speak his mind andd comfortable in his own skin. A boy named Ivan. That's who I am now. If someone would let me be, tha's who I am.
I don't feeel like I was bborn meant to be a boy, but maybe I'm gender fluid, maybe my gender changed??? Is that possible??? Because a few months ago I was chill with being a girl. Albeit not happy and not comfortable and secure, but, you know, a girl. But it was like, my mind changed. I don't feel the same, in that place inside me that i thought was supposed to tell me that I looked better in a dress then a suit. But then something started to happen,, and well, here I am. Confused as hell. I want, I think I need, to be perceive as a boy because I don't feel like a girl I am a son not a daughter. I was a daughter but people change. Lamps turning back into lightposts. Did I mention I bought the jacket from the giggly cashier anyway? I look a girls like them and I feel so out of place, so lost... wih their nails and cute hair and mini skirts. I feel so ashamed. That's what it all boils down to. Shame. I can't look them in the eyes becaue of all the pain of being different and not being one of them, while not wanting to be one of them, while having to be one of them to be accepted by ANYONE in this lovely, lovely Western society in which we live. With boys its the same because I feel ashamed of not ever behaving like a fun and flirty little girl, and being a little jealous of the way they look and their muscles and.. well, everything but their penis. This is weird but I feel like I need too say it to someone: I find those to be the most disgusting thing on Earth. I always have. Even when I have awkward magical penis/sex dreams I don't want one in real life. (there's one less dark secret) I find vaginas to be pretty naff as well, but I'm attracted to girls, so if I ever have a girlfriend and we ever go theree, I guess I'll just grin and bear it. The idea of sex, the theory of intimacy, I find to be pleasing, but in practice... :( Moving on, I guess I sort of want o be a boy without a penis. Which, y'know, seems like it would equal a girl, but in my head it's a little more complicated. It is more complicated. Next year, when I go to new school in the states, I might introduce myself as Ivan. but this year, things are so fucking complicated, my hostfamily wanted a nice American girl, not a gender-confused queer. Everyone at my German school knows me by my girl name, and I have very few friends. But what are they worth if im not myself? There's so much on the line.. I don't know wha to do.....

Comments

cherrylover's picture

frst

first off. it doesnt matter what gender you are hun. what matters is that YOUR happy with ur self. if those around u dont understand what is going on with you then they need to fuck off or ask and be caring .
you are an amazing person be who u wanna be dont be someone your not comfortAable with hun
:)

Invictus's picture

It is important to

It is important to understand that while society only recognizes two genders, that isn't the reality. I have found myself feeling that shame when I look at other women. I have found myself envious when I look at men.

What helped me was to realize that I didn't have to be a feminine female, nor did I have to change my body to fit my more masculine traits. Gender truly is fluid and while it is far more difficult in society to move along the spectrum than to stay put at your 'proper side', being yourself is what's most important. Just do what makes you feel good, and ignore what other people have to say. The feelings regarding sex and intimacy will develop with you.

thoughtgoddess's picture

Oh man, I can relate to so

Oh man, I can relate to so much of this.
First, as an above commenter said, the most important thing is to be comfortable with yourself. Fuck what other people think if they want to judge you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about feeling like a boy but not wanting a penis. I tend to follow the social constructionist model of gender (though acknowledging that it is absolutely problematic in some ways) and when you think of "boy" and "girl", "man" and "woman" as just things that society has created instead of absolutes, it becomes much easier to step away from the binary. You are you, not what society dictates just because you happen to have a certain set of physical characteristics.
And gender can absolutely be fluid! People are constantly changing, and gender is part of a person. Maybe have a look at http://gender-fluid.livejournal.com .

Dracofangxxx's picture

Sigh.

First off just don't confuse being feminine with being a woman. You can be a masculine woman and that doesn't mean your gender is wrong. I hear this oh-so-often with women and it's really getting on my nerves so just don't mix that up.

Anyways I'd say with you saying you're fine with your ladyparts, I'd assume you're fine being a woman. Wanting a flat chest doesn't make you a man or anything. It's the same as someone stuffing their bra to get bigger boobs. it's a preference I guess.
-
That's redick!