Lonely and other Compositions..

goodnightsupergirl's picture

Girls. I know so many, I fallen for a few, and I'm different from them. I feel so weird. Guys. I have very few guy friends, and I'm different from them, too. I think it's why I feel lonely, all the time. It's like everyone else knows there's a box, and they're supposed go and stand in it, and I find it unfair that I wasn't even told about the existence of these boxes and I don't quite feel like standing in mine. I'm allergic to boxes, I prefer organic and natural shapes. But I'm the only one. Lonely times indeed. Everyone else is a nice G major or C major, dolce, allegro, but I can't even fake that. i'm a brooding C-sharp minor, PPP, both morendo and appasionate, a nocturne, or The Bells of Moscow.
Wild eyes. It hit me during art class, we made self portraits and everyone liked mine, that I captured something in it. And then I looked, and I wasn't too happy. I guess it's one thing to look in the mirror, but an image you make of yourself is powerful, I think. Curly brown hair and wild eyes. No smile to be spoken of. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I've always been rather serious and intense and quiet, and daydreaming. And I guess that makes me weird. So I try to change, I try to smile and laugh like the others, but it makes everything feel like a cage that I lock myself in. And the funny thing about it is, I'm still still serious and shy and daydreamy, I'm just even less comfortable with myself, even more lonely. It's the hardest hing for me to say, I always feel a little lonely, a little solitary, a little introspective and on the edge. Sometimes I can talk and be funny and bubbly and charming, but mostly I'm just pretty dry. And overall, it makes me tired of being who I am which is never a good thing. I still need to convince me that I mmyself, am not the cage, the cage is in my imagination and I just might be ok if I stop putting myself in it.
The only thing I really feel o.k. with right now is my music. I just finished two compositions that I'm really proud of.. I might post because I need feedback.. and I'm working on Brahms Rhapsodie in G minor which is fun and it helps to work thourgh whatever's going on with me right now.

Comments

cheese's picture

I know

what you did last summer....
lol jk.
But on a serious note, i know how you feel. I guess that's similar to how i feel. Surrounded but still lonely. It sucks. It makes me a little depressed at times. I can feel left out of my group of friends a lot of the time. I dont feel as if i can relate as much to them as they can to eachother.

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero

thoughtgoddess's picture

Boxes are overrated like a

Boxes are overrated like a very overrated thing. Cheesy as it may sound, you will feel more comfortable just being yourself than trying to fit into what society says you should be. Express yourself however you want, and you'll find people who want to be near you because of who you are. And hey, maybe you'll find other people who also feel alone. The most important thing is being comfortable with who you are and how you're expressing that to the world.
Not sure if this would be relevant to you, but have you ever looked at the website http://www.genderfork.com ?

goodnightsupergirl's picture

no, I hadn't looked at that

no, I hadn't looked at that sight but it's really, really interesting...thanks for posting!

radiosilence95's picture

Whoa.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror...

goodnightsupergirl's picture

thanks

for the support. I guess everyone feels that way, sometimes.