Girls. I know so many, I fallen for a few, and I'm different from them. I feel so weird. Guys. I have very few guy friends, and I'm different from them, too. I think it's why I feel lonely, all the time. It's like everyone else knows there's a box, and they're supposed go and stand in it, and I find it unfair that I wasn't even told about the existence of these boxes and I don't quite feel like standing in mine. I'm allergic to boxes, I prefer organic and natural shapes. But I'm the only one. Lonely times indeed. Everyone else is a nice G major or C major, dolce, allegro, but I can't even fake that. i'm a brooding C-sharp minor, PPP, both morendo and appasionate, a nocturne, or The Bells of Moscow.
Wild eyes. It hit me during art class, we made self portraits and everyone liked mine, that I captured something in it. And then I looked, and I wasn't too happy. I guess it's one thing to look in the mirror, but an image you make of yourself is powerful, I think. Curly brown hair and wild eyes. No smile to be spoken of. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I've always been rather serious and intense and quiet, and daydreaming. And I guess that makes me weird. So I try to change, I try to smile and laugh like the others, but it makes everything feel like a cage that I lock myself in. And the funny thing about it is, I'm still still serious and shy and daydreamy, I'm just even less comfortable with myself, even more lonely. It's the hardest hing for me to say, I always feel a little lonely, a little solitary, a little introspective and on the edge. Sometimes I can talk and be funny and bubbly and charming, but mostly I'm just pretty dry. And overall, it makes me tired of being who I am which is never a good thing. I still need to convince me that I mmyself, am not the cage, the cage is in my imagination and I just might be ok if I stop putting myself in it.
The only thing I really feel o.k. with right now is my music. I just finished two compositions that I'm really proud of.. I might post because I need feedback.. and I'm working on Brahms Rhapsodie in G minor which is fun and it helps to work thourgh whatever's going on with me right now.