the et. cetera girl & bah-humbug Days...

goodnightsupergirl's picture

2. et-cetera girl-
We'll call her.. um... Katherine. So this girl I really liked er.. like? (fellow american exchange student) helped me with my latin homework over facebook because she's super smart and our other friend probably made her do it. When we were together at language camp, I had aa big crush on her, and know I don't so much anymore, (small passions are always like that, aren't they?), and so the story goes, and now she wants to be my roommate with her bestfriend and my bestfriend. I find this amazingly, wonderfully ironic. After all this work I put into asking her about her day, and now I'm not so much into her, and she wants to sleep in the same room with me!
I's not that I don't find her beautiful, it's just that even if she were into me, I could never be her girl. She said so herself, she is a knight in shining armor, while I'm a ninja in a princess's clothing. (does that makes sense?)She is frank & serious and firm, and knows what she/wants/ how she wants it. I, too know what I want, but as she also so plainly stated I'm vague as hell. I don't mean to be all distant and mysterious, I just am, I guess. I don't understand myself, how am I supposed to explain to others?
for example, during language camp there was a german trash music dance, and everyone was being goofy, and I got my courage up and asked her to danceto some random house music, in an offhanded, cool kid sort of way. She grabbed me around the waste , took my hand and asked if I knew how to waltz, I was all like "well.. insertsomethingawkwardhere" And then she began to dance, and I tried to keep up, about halfway thourgh the song we stopped and she said "You know the only reason we aren't spinning is that you're the man right now.." so, of course, sort of blushed and spun her and ended up somehow with my hand on her boob, which se didn't sem to notice/ mind.. and then I let her be the man after that so she could spin us all she wanted. than that. Of course, I wanted her to hold me and dance a passionate (ha!) waltz, but I am somewhat slower, less serious in the sense that I know what I want but I'll wait to get it just for the feling of wanting... I don't quite know how to put it.. but hey, now when people ask me where I learned to waltz I can finally say, "With this knight in a a castle nestled in North Germany. No big deal."
I also don't like moving backwards. when I'm finished, I'd like to thing that I'm done and I don't come back. When I'm done with a crush, I'm done. When I'm done with a friendship, that's that. Perhaps it's not the best policy, but, hell, defense IS the best offense.. and my infallible logic tells me that since I had a crush on Katherine before, and it faded, that rekindling my interest/being in the same room with her/ having her be my hot latin tutor is a sehr, sehr, schlekt plan. Especially since she likes me as a friend and I could misconstrue frienldy hints as more-than-friendly, or vice versa. That's the onlything she's ever ambiguous about. I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she knows that I don't know what she wants. I don't even know if she knows what I want, or what she wants, or well, you get the picture. Damnned flirtation. No one's good at it. We're all just running aroun like chickens with our heads cut off.
1. Bah humbug days:
Today was, meeh. Bad. I was in one of my weird old grumpy man moods thanks to a random bout of low self-esteem. Most of the time I feel pretty good about myself, but tday I felt so ugly and cranky that I legitametly wanted to like, steal a kid's candy or something... thus creepy old man mood. Which did not make soccer practice fun today. I'm not the best soccer player anyways, even when the directions are in English... so today was pretty frustrating. The girls on the soccer team are really nice to me, in the way that your nice to your friend's cute but extremely unintelligient pet chihuahua or something. And I really, really hate chihuahuas. (low self esteem again :( ) Like theirs 11 year girl on team, and when we were about to start the scrimmage, she started yelling and overpronouncing in that ridiculous way people do to foreigners, "you are forward! Forward means run towards the goal, ok!" (I really hate snippish comments, especially when in my bah mood)And if another person mentions kentucky fried chicken... I'm a vegetarian!! Ich bin vegetarisch!!!
It's the same at school, I have a group of people who talk to me, or really I should say be talked at by, because normally I just stand and blink like I understand their words... but sometimes I'm just to shy. This wekend, I want to ask my friends if they want to hang out, but I'm suuuper nervous about it and I don't know why. It's not a mariiage proposal or anything.. but rejection kills.