What am I?

socialist's picture

Hello, I am 14 (male) and in my first year of high school. I am attracted to men and sometimes think other boys at my school are attractive. Also, I recently realized that I am not attracted to females at all. I feel very confused about who I am right now. Because I am attracted to members of the same, and not opposite, gender, I think I might be gay.

I recently started high school and I have no friends from middle school in my classes and it takes a while to make new friends who I trust. I am very alone right now. My only real friend right now has been my friend for about two or three years. Though she is heterosexual, she is very liberal and open to homosexuals and I have more trust for her than I do for anybody else at my school. I don't see her in person (we keep in touch on the internet), so I have nobody to actually talk to about this.

I have been attracted to men for about three years. I thought I was bisexual because I wanted a wife and a family and I thought that women were attractive (though not as much as men), but, after reading online, I think I was just attracted to the idea of sex. About a month or more ago, I realized that I don't think females are attractive at all, and that I think I am gay. I always felt like I wasn't really attracted to women, but I kept believing that I was. There was not much I wanted more than children, but the idea of a wife never really seemed appealing or natural to me and I never wanted a girlfriend. I have tried being straight (I had a dream that I died and went to Hell because I was attracted to men), but I just started thinking about boys again. I have just accepted this, but I still feel like it might be a phase.

I'm not sure about my sexuality, though. I read online that gays have always known they were different and it seems they are often feminine and, though I don't like to steriotype, it seems all of them are fans of Lady Gaga, who I can't stand; I listen to heavy metal, country, and rock. I have akways been different, but different from everybody. I am interested in things like linguistics, compartive religion, politics, and zoology, and I have been for years. I am also the only person of either gender in my school who isn't interested in sports; I only watch occasional games of Futbol de la Liga Mexicana (though I live in the USA). I am also the only boy who doesn't play any video games, as they are boring to me. I am not feminine, though. I'm sort of neutral, not really masculine or feminine. I have not noticed I am attracted to men before I moved to the east coast from Alaska, a red state.

Although they are atheists, I am afraid of how my parents would react if I am gay. I'm not so worried about my father, as he is very open-minded and liberal. My mother isn't very accepting, though. She has specifically told me not to be gay, which made me want to be straight more than ever. Yesterday, she also said that gay men are digusting and against nature, even after I told her about homosexual behavior in animals. What confuses me is that my mother seems to have double standards, as she believes that lesbians are natural, but gays aren't. She said that all lesbians are bisexual, and gay men are "commited".

I don't think I have ever been more confused in my lifem and I can't focus on schoolwork or anything. I really need help.

MacAvity's picture


Sounds like there can't even be much question about your orientation - you're gay!

If you're not thrilled, right now, about being gay, that's all right. Stick around Oasis, read people's journals, you'll learn to accept all things queer. Keep writing, too - there will always be people here to read and care.

I'm sorry that your mother isn't very gay-friendly. Coming out is scary even with the most accepting parents; it's so much harder when a parent is homophobic. But maybe she'll understand better when it's her own son. My dad did - I remember before I came out, he told me that he didn't have anything against gays, but that 'it's not what I would want for myself, or for you.' And you don't have to come out just yet - whenever you feel ready. Maybe work on opening your mom's mind a little more, I don't know.

In any case - Welcome to Oasis!

lonewolf678's picture


it sounds as though you are gay. Please know that we don't all love Lady Gaga but we appreciate the things she does. Just take a while and get to know yourself and come out when you're ready. Welcome to Oasis Journals!

ferrets's picture


im not much one for lady gaga. im more an epic score guy myself, or two steps from hell. you don't have to be a certain way to be be gay. gay people come in all different forms, just like straight people. it sounds like you are gay, since your attraction has lain pretty much always around guys.
and also, welcome to oasis :)

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Len K.'s picture

Hang in there buddy!! ^____^

Life is long, and hey, you're still young XD There's no need to use labels if you don't want to, just be who you are, and always be true to yourself ^__^

There's always hope, don't ever forget :]

Kind_Sol's picture

No Worries

Chill, slick. In my oppinion, the case here is that you are gay. But don't think that not liking the stereotypical gay interests make you someone other than who you are. I hate Lady Gaga, in my own point of view she's not that good at music and uninteresting. Like someone else already said, we are (at least somewhat i think) grateful for what she does for the LGBT community. But not ALL of us worship the artist. IF you wanna call all that noise "art".

I love football and WWE. I also loved the first two seasons of Sex and the City.

I'm going to college coming up next fall for a career in stage performing, but in between practicing my lines in a mirror i also plan on catching every single Seattle Seahawks game i can.

If all gay guys were femminine then i know a lot of gay guys who would be very dissappointed. Because plenty of gay people are attracted to others who are very masculine. IN my last relationship with a guy (who was practically ther stereotypical gay...seriously...he kept a pink hanky in his sleeve AT ALL TIMES, NO JOKE) was attracted to me very much because i wasn't femminine. He wanted someone who was bigger and a bit more manly than some.

Don't think you're any less of what/who you are just because of what others consider you SHOULD be like.

And if anyone tells you i'm wrong.
Tell 'em Jack says to go suck a salt lick.

An optimist sees the glass half full, and a pessimest sees the glass half empty. But a realist however, realises that sooner or later he's going to eventually have to clean the glass.

socialist's picture

Tank you for your replies

I'm pretty sure I'm gay now. I also told my friend, which is in my last journal. Also, Jack, I'm not exactly masculine, as I wrote in the post. My favorite colour is hot pink. I would never tell anyone that, though. Also, I looked up Lady Gaga and found out that she supports LGBT. I guess I'm the last to find out. I respect her now, but I still don't like her music and I still think she wears weird stuff.

swimmerguy's picture

I'd say you're "gay"

Which I put in parentheses cause I don't think anyone really is completely.

I usually just tell everyone I'm gay if they ask, because it's easier than saying what I would, which is that I don't really care who I love or date, I'll just love or date whoever I want to and am attracted to, and so far pretty well everyone I've ever been attracted to have been boys, not that I let myself accept that at first. But there is a chick who's totally awesome I think I might work out with romantically, but probably not sexually, I dunno, but it doesn't matter cause she was a friend from camp and doesn't live near me.

Nor do any gay guys that I know of, actually, even there seems to be hot gay guys by the shitload off elsewhere killing themselves: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/17/jamie-hubley-commits-suicide_n_...
Of course it is that the only gay guys my age I've ever heard of are just beyond reach, such as Matthew who you might see around here and Daniel my camp boyfriend...
But whatevs, I'll take dating opportunities as they come, if they come.

So, I'm sorry I've been ranting off about my life on your post, but I'm pretty sure you could pretty safely call yourself gay, and only elaborate if needed, AKA if you happen to find a chick you wanna date.

And not all gays are the same, I kinda like Lady Gaga, but I don't really listen to her really ever, I just appreciate what she does, although I suspect she isn't quite as deep and sincere as she'd have us believe. But whatevs, she's doing more than me.
I listen to metal. And I'm not really into fashion. And I fuckin love video game. But I'm not particularly masculine either, I don't think. But I don't really have an urge to act feminine so I don't.

Uh, last thing, being gay isn't so bad, so don't despair or resist, JOIN US. :P
There are a few advantages, such as I think that being gay has taught me how to question and think freely, now that I've realized that some of the things I was taught weren't true.
And, it's definitely hella more interesting than being straight, I mean, if you're straight, it's just girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, nothing special, if you're gay, you're a lot more likely to treasure any romantic partners you may get...
And, of course, you have the ability to appreciate how hot boys are, a blessing that straight guys will never have :P


socialist's picture

Wow. The link almost made me

Wow. The link almost made me cry. Also, don't worry, I'm not despairing or resisting. I'm happy and proud to be gay! And I don't understand how straight men can't appreciate an incredibly hot guy. Anyway, I came out to my friend and the only two things keeping me from being indescribably happy 24/7 are the unbelievable amount of homework I have and lonliness. I really want a boyfriend; I'm not sure how that would work, though, as I'm not open (wow, that was obvious). Actually, the only reason I'm not out to everyone yet is because my sister goes to the same school as me.

Kind_Sol's picture

*Waves Lighter In The Air*

Preach on my swimmerguy! TESTIFY!
(Sorry, couldn't resist. I just had to agree with him, and if i can make a joke slapping irony in religion's face at the same time then...well...there ain't much that's gonna stop me.)

An optimist sees the glass half full, and a pessimest sees the glass half empty. But a realist however, realises that sooner or later he's going to eventually have to clean the glass.