I have just spent 1 and a half hours rather unsuccessfully trying to copy a photograph of a fork with shadows for photography homework. My teacher does not like me for some reason, so i am trying to impress her as i really like dong photography. But now i know tomorrow she is going to have a big rant over me and i am going to feel 1)embarrassed as we have to discuss our photos in our 10 people group and other people probably have perfect photos 2) shity and wanting to cry as i am a normal, obedient student who may not be perfect but tries and miss will clearly take that into no context. I am in a total dread for it. I have it last lesson to so i have the whooooole day to worry about it. I seem to be feeling more....sombre lately. its scaring me. Last week when i was stressing about my sketchbook to finish for the past topic for photography, i had a mini meltdown. i was at home and just starting crying quite bad and talking loudly about everything that is wrong and just felt awful. i welled up today when trying to do this and its making me feel uneasy how these things are going. I watch movies and fashion shows as part escapism as it feels much better there. Its like my drug. I watched a catwalk just before this and i got this funny feeling of complete calmness and pleasure for seeing pretty things. It feels a bit materialistic though thinking back that this is like a remedy.
I like to get along with my teachers, so when one is so clinical and moody as my photography teacher it has in honesty hurt me. Thankfully i have her only for 2 lessons and have another much happier and nice other teacher who teaches us for the reminding 2 lessons in the week.But i don't want to be in dread for each week of her lessons as i really do want to enjoy learning at school especially at this crucial stage of A levels were everything counts. An example of her negative view, is that today she was giving one on one feedback on our sketchbooks (the one that i was stressed on). I happily managed to edit and make it much more better as everybody had more time to work on it. Not to say it was not hell for tues/weds/thus. All of them days last week i just worked all day and evening long on our photograms topic. I then finished of the loose ends on sunday and could not wait to give it in. So i got a C could be B with editing on it which is annoying as i really want an A for photography. I know they are harder to achieve straight away in A levels but i still want to have that as a target and to be well considered for it. Anyway when it was my turn she said that on one small single photo(that was not the most important of the whole book) were the black card mounting was just a little bit (i am being true full) wonky she said it was lazy. How can she just say that when it was that singular thing and all of everything else was presentable. It felt not nice as i had worked hard on it and her to just say oh its lazy like i had rushed everything in my book, is very frustrating. She also said i needed to go into more depth on my annotations of the artist research even though i have done a lot on what they were like and what their images mean. She never said i could be A potential and that upsets as i want to work hard to get an A in something i do enjoy.
I dont know what to do about it as she seems to criticise all lot of what i do and she does in such a cold manner. My friends in the class have noticed that she never smiles about anything much and she seems very bored to be with our class. The only time i see her become a little interested in things, is if it is sarcastic. I really cant not be bothered to have a teacher of all people to have a grudge on me. I have the sense you know, when a teacher just does not seem to warm to you. She is new this year so i have never got taught or got to know her beforehand. My friend who has her for art believes she could be the type of a failed Artist and has had to have the result of teaching when she does not fully want to commit to.
The only thing that can come in help is that i know my other friends who have her for art in different classes have a hatred for her. Well one does and the rest just don't like her much but don't seem to care. So i do know that other people have the same feelings as me about it but it still does not change the fact she has something against me and i just want to change that as i do want to learn.