A difficult question.

lonewolf678's picture

I'm not sure if this sounds ignorant and all, but I've heard so often and this was recently an event that happened to me. So the question being, why can't two gay guys be just friends. I wanted to be this guy's friend but he wanted a little more. And here I am like I just wanting to say "I'm just not that into you".

He's a nice guy but we're too different and he's a year younger than me, plus his humor is a completely different taste. So we never make each other laugh. Which to me is a harbinger that it wouldn't work even if we wanted it to. And if that wasen't enough, he doesn't really take care of himself. Sure he's totally "clean" (drug free and such).

But it just doesn't work, there's no click and there's nothing there. Maybe he misinterpreted my friendly nature for an invitation for something more. I have no idea. I don't know how to let him down. He's "crushing" on me and I don't feel the same way. How can I tell him this?

If you need anymore info just ask so we can formulate any ideas. Don't feel obligated, it's cool. As if I know who scanned through my journal. ;-Đ


ferrets's picture

i think the thing is...

gay guys are so unused to being "just around" other gay people, that they dont really know how to act when they are. theres more i want to write, but i wont right now.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

elph's picture


But I'd really like to see your elaboration... Soon?

lonewolf678's picture

Double post,

pay no mind.

lonewolf678's picture


it appears that ferrets is on to something! It's certainly believable.

MacAvity's picture


Just tell him that you're not interested that way, but do like him friendwise? It might be awkward for a moment, but seems like getting it out of the way quickly and honestly will spare a lot of future grief.......

elph's picture

Conflict between empathy and libido?

Even if his "crush" may not be one of true affection (i.e., not seeing you as much more than a masturbation stand-in), I can still appreciate your not wanting to disappoint --- this is empathy! But, is he worth it?

I'm impressed, however, that you are able to recognize that true friendship should exist as a complement to what is required to satiate your libido.

One bit of self examination may have been missed: Is it possible that you may have wanted to accede to his desires, but refrained out of an ill-defined fear? I have no idea...

I'd hope that you'd not discard your quest for true friends (with the possibility of "growth")... maybe by frequenting some of the less-exclusively gay venues?

lonewolf678's picture


it appears he may have misinterpreted the kindness I show to almost everyone I know.

jeff's picture


gay guys can just be friends, but typically you need to pair off with someone who doesn't want to fuck you AND you don't want to fuck them. Which isn't that difficult to find...

However, a lot of your reasons for not dating him also seem to bring into question the friendship. I mean, a friend who doesn't get your humor?!

So, doesn't sound like this guy is a good test case for testing or debunking this theory in general.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I was going to write a response similar to this...

But you beat me to the punch. Confound you.

But yeah, Jeff is right. It doesn't seem to be a sound friendship (although that is for you to decide, not me), and you may want to examine that as well.

And it really isn't hard to find someone who has no sexual interest in you. There's no method to it- just go out and make friends. Odds are, you won't be everyone's type.

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

lonewolf678's picture


Jeff, Perhaps, you're both right. But we're casual friends, we help each other with studying and stuff and play games together. Maybe the way I mess with him is sort of a wrongly interpreted for attraction. Like I'll troll on him and make him mad. Maybe he's thinking I'm being playful and trying to show attraction towards him.

Plus he's one year younger than me and he's not at that stage of life that I'm at. It's all so confusing, I'll just tell him I'm not that into him and maybe we should stay friends. I don't know how he'll take it which is really bothering me. But I'll tell him.

elph's picture

As for your age differences...

...the fact that he is one year younger is not an automatic "no-no."

But... you may be right on the fringe. If he dismisses your concern... proceed cautiously!

jeff's picture


Reality has never ended true friendships.

If you're sending signals that could be interpreted as interest, and he's into you, then yes, you need to stop that.

Beyond that, a year at any age is insignificant. Even Romeo and Juliet laws often allow for 3 years age difference (in Texas, and the younger has to be at least 14).

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

lonewolf678's picture

What would you suggest?

Because it seems like the only option is to avoid him at all costs.

jeff's picture


Stop anything that might be considered flirting, and you can even drop a line like "It's cool to have a gay friend where it's not about sex." or something to show him you don't see that path ahead at all.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

kiko's picture

two gay guys can be friends,

two gay guys can be friends, my best friend is gay lol
/ o_o\ i am batman

lonewolf678's picture


maybe read the entire post next time.

radiosilence95's picture

I've often wondered the same

I've often wondered the same thing about lesbians. The fact that the dating world is so diminished for gay people makes it hard for two gay people to just be friends, I think.

And the thing is, if two gay guys are friends, that typically means they have a lot in common, so it's almost guaranteed that there will be some sort of attraction there, unlike in a same-sex friendship for straight people.

But it is quite possible to just be friends. Don't beat around the bush. Just tell him politely that you're only interested in friendship. And if he can't accept that, then that's his problem. No need to make it complicated; just let him down gently.