...and another's gone, another ones gone...another one...

hellonwheels's picture

Bites the dust...

So it has been a hell of a last few months. I have had three kids I grew up around was decent friends with die. That brings the total to...well, 16 friends in 6 years...3 in the last six months.

What the hell, man? I mean, I used to be a fairly 'at risk' kid, I guess by some terms, but seems like kids around me just drop dead like flys.

Six months ago, it was a childhood friend matthew. His liver failed. Then there was robert. he was hit by a car delivering subs for jimmy johns on his bike in seattle. He had the right of way, car turned left @ a red into him. Then there was zach. his chute failed to open skydiving in montana.

Now my buddy Chris I ran track w/ in high school and his friend are dead. His car went off the road thursday night, and I would have posted then, but instead I went for a long, long walk and smoked a really good honduran cigar. First one I've had in, well., forever. I guess old habits die hard. -I started smoking during hard times in high school and when i felt depressed, often due to obvious reasons.

But yeah, in high school, during my four years, I lost several good friends, many due to complete tragic accidents, some due to illness, and others to teenage stupidity and bullying. We lost 14 kids in four years, and many of them were my friends, or family of my friends.

I've lost lisa, chelsea, matt, miles, kyle, lucas, leslie, donnie, andrew...the list of people I've known that died just keeps growing.

I guess I am fortunate in a lot of ways, but all this death has affected me in a negative way as well.

It seems like with every lost friend or aquaintance, the reality of death is almost lost on me.

It's like I don't really feel it anymore. Some of the people listed above, miles in particular, changed my life forever.

they remind me to live each day like it is all we have, because in reality it is...

the problem w/ that is....I never do. Because I can't. I can't move on. I can't accept that I am gay. I can't change my mind. I can't change the past. I can't blame myself for not giving them the help they desperately needed. I can't really accept the things that I know are giong to come soon.

I know my father will die. Soon. And that definitely cuts into me. He called me a faggot to my face the other night after helping him out. of the thirty or some words he still remembers after the strokes, somehow that one is still in his vocabulary.

and he meant every word of it.

I dunno Why the hell I am typing this. kind of getting off track. Idk what the hell I mean, but death isn't affecting me..it's weird. I feel a bit of loss, but it's happened around me soo much in my life, I guess I don't really feel grief stricken and sad anymore.

am I just really shellshocked by all this shit?

My friends seem to live life on the edge, a lot of times. I will always remember miles' crazy influence in school.

I guess in the wake of losing zach, matthew,

Comments

elph's picture

Sad... Truly!

There may be a lesson here... don't really know.

But, this question seems unavoidable (the answer in no way lessening the tragedy of the untimely death of any youth):

Does it seem likely that a lack of good judgment (drugs, health habits, proclivity for recklessness) could have contributed to any of these tragedies?

If no lessons... maybe, at least, some cautionary tales?

jeff's picture

So...

Sounds like most of the people who might've cared that you are gay... are now dead anyway?

The biggest question seems to be, if you are surrounded by death, why are you still not willing to live without fear?

This also reminds me of the Jim Carroll song:

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

In a way Jeff,

You are right. I live on the edge alot, but I think you are right. It's all in my head, and the people that care...fuck 'em.

and to answer above elph's questions...only two of them were drug related, and one of them was a vicitim of a drunk driver. the rest were either suicides, car accidents, falling out of the sky, things like that.

Jeff, thanks for the link, I totally forgot that song even existed man. Kinda cheered me up a little bit.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I'm sorry.

I wish I had something deep to say, but I can only offer my sympathy. I hope it's worth something.

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

hellonwheels's picture

Thanks perhaps...

it is. The memorial service is on friday. Just hope I can make it there.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman