Burdened.

lonely_grl's picture

Being different is hard for everyone and I know that, but I just feel like there is totally something wrong with me. I don't feel comfortable with who I am as a person and it hurts my heart greatly. I'm always surrounded by people everyday, but I feel invisible to the world. Honestly, I came to a few conclusions that I made myself believe. I told myself that if I smile,even when I'm in pain, that it will make everything better. Is that really the case? No, I actually feel worse for doing that. I also told myself that I could not love, will not love, and will not be loved because I only exist to be a tool. This is something that I came to believe a few months ago. The final thing that I believe is that, my problems aren't important and will never be as important as other peoples' problems because their lives are worse than mine. Am I right to believe this? Maybe I am, but maybe I'm wrong.
From the start, I've always been the person who would put aside my life to tend to others' lives and problems. Why am I this person? I don't really know. Being me is all I'm good at. I'm only good at being "too nice". Where has that gotten me? Everyone likes me because of it, but I don't like myself because I don't want to be remembered as "a nice person". Just because I judge myself so harshly it damages my self-esteem and relationship with others. It also has me isolated from a lot of people, including my family. I want to be a better person, but how could I do that if I don't understand the aspects of life and if i don't understand myself? To me, my dream of becoming a better person in society is impossible and I have no hopes of achieving my goals.