note: i wrote this last night but didn't want to post it right after posting my mix #2 entry. so when I say "today" i mean sunday. xD
So there's this boy I like. Elliot. We went to mix together Friday and Saturday nights... where to start? I guess we could go further back and say that we met at a Queer Union party a while back and made pretty successful friends. It was because of a game of queer speed dating- we were supposed to introduce ourselves to the group, name and preferred gender pronoun, before answering the question of the round. And Elliot did that sort of traditional “I'm trans but afraid to really admit it for sure” thing where he said “I... don't... really care what pronouns you use... but not female.”
So later I went up to him and was like “So, what pronouns do you prefer?” and he stumbled and I was like “ask for what you want.” And he nodded and said “male pronouns.” We talked a lot that night. We're in pretty similar places.
ANYWAY. Mix. We went together Friday night and hung out a lot... I got tired at like 2 am and we walked back to the dorms together (my school's dorms are pretty far-flung, but he lives like 3 blocks from me) and stopped to get a pizza. It was cool. We were pretty quiet, but it wasn't awkward, just tired.
Saturday night is when the flirting got started. I'm not sure when, I mean, I've always been kind of snuggly on him because he's just so fucking gorgeous. Anyway. The flirting was mostly us buried in the pillows of the pink cave, talking about hats... I put my hat on his head, he got self-conscious, I led him to the bathroom mirror to convince him it looked adorable... I think I might've kissed his cheek then... some girl said that we should make out and we were both like “I'd be down...” but it didn't happen because we were too busy blushing... at some point we were both like “I'm going to go get a beer” and so I walked up to the bar to get one. I went back to him and he was like “...where's mine?” because I hadn't realized that I was supposed to get one. So we shared, but since I was holding it I'd just stick it in his face every once in a while. He was all “are you trying to get me drunk?” and I was like “maybe I am.” I don't know. Flirty stuff. But also conversation stuff- comparing the merits of lesloveboat binders to underworks, talking packing methods and feminine masculinity from the transmale perspective and hipster hats and how hot the blowjob happening across the room was.
On Friday I'd told him that my girlfriend thinks he's adorable slash told me that we should make out. So then we were snuggled up in the vagina pillows, sharing more beer, and he said, “So what are you going to tell Emily tomorrow?” and I was like “I don't know. She'll probably want some stories though.” He said, “Maybe we should give her some” and I leaned in to kiss him...
and then that happened for a while. He was really sweet and shy and every minute or so he'd pull back and I'd wait for him to kiss me again. He said, at one point, “I'm sorry, it's just, every time you kiss me I feel way drunker and dizzy and I just can't handle that much of it.”
Which was adorable.
He said he wanted to step out for some air, which was basically him saying “hey Zev you should smoke a cigarette so I have an excuse to stand outside.” So we went over to where we'd left our stuff and I put on a shirt (it had been a long night by this point, we'd gotten to mix at 5:30 for a 6:00 showing and it had to have been 1 or 2 am by then, so I was in my underwear) and we went outside. We sort of separated, each talking to people outside who we knew, and then I finished my cigarette and stepped over to him and kissed his cheek and talked about how I was starting to feel "like my drunk drunk drunk" and THEN, and THEN, he got flustered and started speaking sexy sexy sexy spanish. Like. Oh my god. (He did an exchange year in argentina) IT WAS SO SEXY. Anyway, then we went back in.
I think we'd been trying to head back to the cave, but we got sidetracked in the jungle and started kissing with the little green lights spinning across our skin. It got pretty intense in there. And he kept on speaking spanish. Which was brilliant. At one point, our friend SM came by and was like “well you guys are hot. I'm going to go sit in that corner” and (this is the kicker) Elliot said all sarcastically, “I'll be in my bunk.”
And I was like “oh my GOD you just quoted firefly!” and pinned him against the wall to kiss him because NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN QUOTING JOSS WHEDON.
Eventually he pulled away and said he needed to go shed a layer- he was wearing two binders and having some breathing issues, i'd actually been trying to get him to lose a layer for a couple of hours at that point- so we went back down. There were some conversations after he lost the layer, then some him kissing me against the pink tulle lining the bar, some photographs of us taken by my very favorite translady, and a creepy(ish) older gay dude who started talking to us, so we left and ended up in a back corner and eventually I pulled him down onto a big beanbag in that corner and we kissed and we groped and it was so safe.
I'm bisexual, so there's really no ambiguity when it comes to hooking up with transfolks. It doesn't matter. He's straight, but he said to me a lot before we started kissing that I bring out his inner gay boy. Which was a sweet thing to say. Fucking him was brilliant. It was fun because nobody had to explain any boundaries. I knew to ask before I touched over the binder. I knew that he'd talked earlier about not being comfortable removing his shirt so I knew to leave it on. And vise versa, he knew to wait for me to make it obvious that I was okay with chest-touching and he knew to take my cues about junk-touching and if he should go over or under my packing underwear. It was nice. I didn't feel like there was any proving of anything.
But I don't think the gender stuff is really what it's about. It's about chemistry. This kid is such a sassafras, very dark humor, but very loving. Very in need of love. And oh my god. A wonderful kisser. And the most absolutely touchable body and shy wandering hands and very very cute American Eagle boxers. Yes. It was lovely.
After, we were thirsty so we wandered over to the bar to get some water. We looked around the party. He said “wow, it cleared out a lot.” and I said, “yeah, I guess a lot of people left between 3 and... 4:30” and he looked at his watch and was like “HOLY SHIT.” So in the line for water. He was kissing my neck when I got to the front of the line and I literally could not make words to order water. I was like “I just... uh. Can we I need there's a... water. Water please thank you.”
Then there were snuggles and conversations with people and eventually we were falling asleep in the vagina cave pillows, wrapped up in pink stalagmites and each other, and we realized it was very seriously time to go home to bed.
So we left. We held hands while we walked back and joked and flirted and talked and found bruises on each other's necks. At one point we passed through a big group of teens doing their own 5:30 am wanderings. When we got through their group we heard one of the guys say “oh shit that was a girl!” and after a second, we were both like “nope, false, no.” And I said, “I think the correct comeback is WHO CARES, WE JUST HAD BEANBAG SEX!” and he said “THEREFORE WE WIN!”
We got back to my dorm and kissed goodnight and I fell into bed at 6:00 and slept like a rock.
~ ~ ~
Today I woke up at 11, did reading for school until 2:30, and then went back to MIX for one last screening. It was super-disturbing dyke porn. I did not need to see the things I saw.
At 6:30, Elliot and I met up and we went hat shopping, because he wanted a hat. We went into a lot of stores and I put beanies on his head and goofy hats on my head. I danced to the indie music in the stores while he considered each hat carefully. In the end, he bought the same had that I'd been wearing the night before but in a different color. We walked and talked about puppies and friends and and life. At 8:30 we walked back to his dorm (we were closer to his than mine) and as we got close to the building, I said, “Hey Elliot?” and he said “yeah?” and I said “I'm completely sober and I still really want to kiss you.” And he blushed a little and mumbled, “Well I certainly wouldn't object.” So we kissed, a little shier than we had last night, and after a little he stepped away and said he didn't really like PDA and I was like, okay, and then did my awkward dance and kissed him one more time and squeezed his hand and we said goodnight.
Now I have sushi and tummy butterflies and I'm so ready to sleep.