I Don't Know How To Describe Myself.

cheese's picture

If i were asked to describe myself in one word, i would have no fucking clue as to what to say.

i dont know what describes me.

i know im too nice. (believe it or not, im not a complete dick like my journal entries make me out to be.)

that's just me venting. saying (err writing) things that i cant say out loud.

half the things i say im gonna do, i never seem to follow through with cause i dont have it in me to.

im also incredibly obvious. i dont know anyone more obvious than i am.

my current crush knows, her ex knows too. hah. oh boy.

im pretty sure i wont act on it. i dont have enough self esteem, believe it or not.

i am a sad little person.

i just realized that.

i do a great job of hiding it though.

oh did i mention my xanax doesnt help things at all?

it makes me feel twice as bad in the sadness area.

it has killed my sex drive. haha. i guess that isnt such a bad thing. kinda good actually.

meh.

let me try to describe myself (i know im bouncing around topics here, sorry. i cant help it. im typing as i think, and this is exactly what im thinking. lol.)

quiet, shy, perfectionist, too nice, silly, low confidence/self esteem, worrier, i over analyze and over think, caring, i can never be happy for long periods of time with one person, picky, complainer, forgetful, sweet, cheesy, hopeless romantic, i am a geek and a dork as well as a nerd, i love making people laugh...

cant think of anything else. i wonder how many of those are positive...haha. meh.

i feel stressed. and i dont know why.
did i mention that i kinda hate my life and myself? i think it's cause i cant seem to live up to people's expectations. i think im that chick who needs someone there all the time, and if not then i feel as if im worthless and unloved. it really sucks.
:\

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

Xanax won't work long term, so if it's making you feel worse,

then just get off it before your body starts depending on it. Cause if you don't quit before that, your body will want you to keep taking more to get the same effects and you'll start feeling worse than when you started cause your body won't make any happy drugs on it's own anymore.

Anyways, the two foolproof steps to happiness: Find a counselor to talk to when you're sad, and pick up a hobby or a self project. Work towards something big and busy your hands. Everything will be awwright.
-
That's redick!

cheese's picture

*sigh*

I get paranoid that i am addicted sometimes. Like, when I'm freaking out. For some reason I seem to think that it's my body's way of telling me that I NEED some. Deep down inside i know it isnt, or else it'd be happening a lot more often. I do have anxiety attacks multiple times in a week, but i usually do my best to deal with it so i dont drug myself up all the time. :o

I have a fear of talking to people i dont know well, grown ups more or less. So i talk to my closest friends about it, and that usually helps. Except for the fact that they cant always talk, i think it works well. I also think that i need to grow a pair and take your advice. haha.
And as for finding a hobby, i do have a couple, but i get discouraged VERY easily sometimes. So i'll just not do anything for awhile, because i think that others (and myself) think that i either suck, or that what i do is pointless. I hate that i get like that. I know practice makes perfect, but i find it hard to get motivated.
I'm sorry I'm so difficult v.v
(Did i mention I'm a very apologetic person? I apologize even when it isnt my fault >.>")

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero

Dracofangxxx's picture

I'm usually quite apologetic, too, don't worry

Anyways, people tend to mistake happiness with "I feel great 24/7". Frankly, as long as you're not feeling too bad, you're "happy". The definition of happiness has changed a lot over the years.

Just learn to keep yourself busy and accomplished. And if you get frustrated, tell yourself why it's not logical to get frustrated. "Of course I'd suck at this, I just picked up this hobby. I'm doing this for fun, not to be good" or "I'll go lay down or do something else for a while until I calm down and then I'll start working again". Personal accomplishment, even if it's little, is something I think makes me happy.

If you don't give yourself time to think about how sad you are, you'll feel 10x better. A lot of depression is worsened by attitude. If you can't be positive, try just ignoring it by focusing on hobbies! Eventually you'll be able to stop thinking "oh poor me I feel so bad let's think about what's bothering me and how bad I feel", you know? It's like having period cramps or something. Get comfy and distract yourself and the pain will go away :P

Huh, anxiety. I had real bad anxiety until like ninth grade. I tell Super Duck this all the time, but the only real way to combat anxiety is by forcing yourself into the situations you're scared of so many times you're desensitized. Grab your courage by the 'scrotes and kick ass!
Which I know sounds too simple and overcomplicated, but really, just be overconfident. People like confidence, as long as it's not cockiness.

I hope my constant advice isn't annoying or anything, I just like to help <3
-
That's redick!

cheese's picture

Don't find it annoying at all :3

yeah, i try to stay positive a lot of the time. im good at helping others feel positive, but when it comes to myself it's a bit of a challenge. i try my best to not let it get to me, although sometimes it does. :p
lol i start doing things for fun, but then i get competitive. and i try to force myself to get better, but then i realize it isnt working which then leads to me giving up. it actually happened with fencing last year. i joined for fun and ended up quiting cause i sucked. haha. >.>'
As for the anxiety, it's hard for me to figure out where the source is. Sometimes i know though. Like for example, the dentist. I cried my eyes out and was shaking the first time when i went for my exam last month (i think) pretty much completely freaking out. And all i was getting was fillings ._. And case of that my dentist decided we'd just do one or two fillings each visit, i went like 3 times. And by the third time i felt a little more comfortable about it, also i had to go two more times for wisdom tooth removal within a two week per. (i still need to go again for my last two :P) i feel comfortable now cause of all the exposure. So i know what you mean. But with the other stuff it's hard. Half the time i dont even know why im freaking out :P. It sucks.

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero

elph's picture

Xanax

You're quite right... Xanax can greatly reduce one's libido! Regrettably, there seems no way of avoiding this.

I presume you are aware that Xanax is very commonly sought out for "recreational" purposes. Apparently its effects are such as to make a compromised libido of little concern (even masturbation can be unsatisfying) --- :(

Anyway... I am assuming that a reputable therapist has prescribed Xanax for you. Speak with him/her about your experience and explore a possible better alternative. Be sure to discuss the weaning process!

If you choose to cease Xanax on your own (not recommended)... gradually taper the dosage so that zero is reached no earlier than 4 to 6 weeks away!

cheese's picture

lol

Yeah, I'm actually very aware of the side effects and the addictive-ness. I'm actually against it, i have no idea why my doctor prescribed it to me considering I'm a teen. And i get paranoid sometimes because i feel as if I'm going to get addicted if i take it as often as she told me to. So i end up dealing with my anxiety/panic attacks on my own most of the time.
She didnt prescribe a large dose, since we were just "testing it out", i think it's around 0.5 mg (which is very little) and it's supposed to keep me calm all day but it doesnt last that long for me. There's no way I'm asking for a bigger dose, but sometimes the anxiety just gets to be too much.
And I havent actually masturbated and enjoyed it in almost two months, It's just a "why bother?" kinda thing now. I dont want it, so i dont do it. Haha. Which sucks cause that's my stress reliever xD.
Honestly, i dont want to take any pills. And as stupid as i seem for smoking pot, i feel it helps me more than the pills. I did kinda abuse it when i was like 14 XD, but i stopped for 3 years. And then i read that it could help with my anxiety, which has gotten worse over the years. I started using again in may (i think). It levels me out a lot. I also dont use a lot, i dont see the need to.
Once i turn 18, I'm gonna work on getting a medicinal marijuana card, since i know my parents (mainly my mom) wont have any of it. I look at the risks for both and this seems to have less. (I'd rather eat it than smoke it. I care about my lungs you know haha) But yeah. That's just my opinion.

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hm.

Your problem of not being able to describe yourself in one word seems less like a problem to me than a virtue. If one can define oneself in a single word, one would have to be utterly dull. So look at it as good! You are a complex and wonderful human being- nothing sad about that. I understand thinking badly of yourself, and feeling worthless. I struggle with those same issues. But I will tell your what others assure me is true about myself: you are not worthless. You just need to find your niche, and find your way of happiness. You'll be okay.

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

cheese's picture

Thanks

:)

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero