My realization

iLikeDick's picture

Since I got out of a relationship with a fiance I had for 4 years, i've been hooking up with random women to fill the empty void in my heart. i've forgotten how to care and respect a women. i would only use the women who were worth something to stick around and who cared for me to get to the next women i would cheat with. i was becoming, and stilll am, really a worthless piece of shit. but then one night i couldnt stop the thoughts in my mind from taking over and i allowed myself to hear what my head had tried to tell me many times. the voice said that i wasnt being true to myself or who i really was. i felt like, i felt empty cause the women werent really what i want. so, i told myself i would try the other team if i could. many parties i would try to execute these thoughts but only felt ashamed and embarrassed. finally, i met the right one at a friends birhtday party. we were outside smoking with a few beers, when it just happened. an overwhelming feeling overtook my mind, body, and emotions. the guy, we'll call him Wes, was obviously gay, but in that moment, i felt as if Wes was the one i could confine my secret desires to. (must i mention i was getting quite drunk) i told him my struggles with my sexual identity and i experienced a kiss that hadnt made me feel real since my fiance. We arent together, nor do we talk anymore, but i am slowly becoming more openly gay. and i will always have myself to thank for trusting my own real thoughts. thanks for reading.

Comments

elph's picture

Your experience...

...with women is (sadly) not uncommon for many gay men and boys... far too many.

There are likely many explanations... but they all fall under the generalized category of internalized homophobia.

The insidious (often silent) message from one's peers is that males "sense" an obligation (to themselves? to society?) to prove their masculinity --- with the primary purpose of establishing that they're real men (i.e., not gay).

In years past (and continuing less so today), many gays married and fathered children. They had capitulated to the assumed dictates of a homophobic society.

Rather than establish their prowess with women, some gays would pursue the achievement of a grossly over-developed physique: Anything, in fact, that conceivably could be used to deflect their being labeled as gay!

They were living a lie... and, more often than not, quite unwittingly!

****

I have no idea if this provides some insight to your circumstances or not... but we can all take encouragement from the fact that ever increasingly today gays are being relieved of society's pressures (real or internalized) to remain hidden!

lonewolf678's picture

Your name is awesome!

Welcome to Oasis, I hope you enjoy your stay.

Kind_Sol's picture

Welcome

Call me Jack, and welcome.

The more "senior" members can help you with what you've mentioned here (If that phrasing offended anyone, i apologies.) i'm pretty much just good for the occasional joke.

Good Luck,
Adios,
blahblahblah,
Jack

-------------------
An optimist sees the glass half full, and a pessimist sees the glass half empty. But a realist however, realizes that sooner or later he's going to eventually have to clean the glass.

Wolfcry's picture

Welcome to the fold and

Welcome to the fold and family. Some of our more entertaining members of this bizare family have left us(Adam, JMY, BullDyke, etc.) and others have come back for more(me as an example). I have been here uner MANY names since I was about 14. so I think that would be about 5 years now. hope our myriad viewpoints and uncaring always loving views can be of assistance to you.

The Darkness is my ally. Those who face me shall know its wrath. From Darkness our world was made, and so to that Darkness shall it soon return unless we bring the Light of Unity and Love back to it.

MacAvity's picture

Welcome!

Welcome to Oasis!

radiosilence95's picture

Hehehe.

Your username amuses me. But anyway.

Nice to meet you, my name is Jenna. Welcome to this wonderful website, and do enjoy your stay.

elph's picture

Dick is...

...the common nick for Richard :)