ramble ramble ramble

whateversexual_llama's picture

This is me procrastinating. I have a lot of work to do over thanksgiving: a chem take-home lab and a pre-lab, notes, chem problems, some research for a big essay, a ton of reading. oh well. one step at a time.

I cleaned my room and I feel cleansed, but still anxious about school.

I got a 56.5% on a chem exam. That was a blow. If I get an 80% on the (cumulative) final, my professor will drop the low score. So that's good.

Spent a long afternoon with a friend of mine, AI. She's in a bunch of my classes and we get along, which is pretty much grounds for friendship during the first semester of freshman year. I told her about Elliot and she told me to be careful not to hurt Emily.

I'm seeing Emily tomorrow, not for long. She's in town with her parents for thanksgiving and she's going to come over around 9:30 for morning sex and then lunch. I have class 8-9:15 and then at 3:30. Then the afternoon will be for homework. Then Thanksgiving. I'm taking the train out of the city to my cousin's (about 40 minutes away) to do the day with the whole extended family.

That could be weird- gendershit is gendershit. We'll see how it goes. I really don't want to go back to being called "she," even for a day.

I told the school gender therapist about this... then she dumped me for being too well-adjusted and told me to make an appointment if shit hits the fan, or if my parents are ready for me to start hormones.


Elliot came over last night. It was our fourth night in a row hanging out, after 2 nights of mix and the one day we went shopping. I told him when i texted him that we should hang out before he left for thanksgiving, and he said that meant it had to be last night. I said "oh, well nevermind, I can't see you four days in a row. I'll OD on smitten." We flirted for a while and then decided he's come by my building at 7.

We didn't have a plan. So we didn't really know if it was a date or a booty call. In the end I said "well we could go up to my room and eat milanos and watch any of the nerdy dvds that i own." He agreed and came up to my dorm, admired my dvd collection and selected Easy A. We watched it and leaned on each other and glanced at each other and blushed.

He was too shy to make the first move, which was cute but frustrating. I didn't want to kiss him if he didn't definitely want kisses. There was flirting and sassiness and sarcasm and snuggles and I made him a cup of tea and finally we kissed and he's just... so sweet. So adorable. So shy, and so loving. I can't get enough of him. Of the banter and the joking and the quiet moments and his skin and his neck.


Those of you who've been reading my posts for the past year know that I haven't been the greatest boyfriend to Emily. You know that my world absolutely revolved around her, that she was my rock and my love and my everything... but that I haven't treated her well. I've cheated. We're open now, but I'm not supposed to be smitten like this.

So I'll see her tomorrow. I'll feel it out.

Or we'll just fuck and then I'll ponder later.


ReinbowGrl's picture

I feel like I'm reading a

I feel like I'm reading a book every time I read one of your posts. I'm completely enthralled by your life. If you need to talk, pm me. What changed? You use the past tense for your girl and how your relationship is.

- - - - - - - -
I don't need company in the company of you. I don't need love, your love will do. And I've got you and you've got me and this is all you need. I don't need air, I don't need to breathe. I don't need rest, I don't have time to sleep.

radiosilence95's picture


Are you and Emily still together, or are you in some sort of relationship limbo?

I've never been in a serious relationship before, so maybe I've no right to say anything, but I can't understand how Emily would be okay with you and Elliot.

whateversexual_llama's picture

Ah, allow me to

Ah, allow me to clarify:

Emily and I decided, right before I came to college, that we were open. And not the "you can make out with folks at parties and we just won't talk about it" kind of open. Basically, the rule when it comes to hookups is full disclosure. I've had a lot of flirts flings and fucks at school- mostly at parties, but Jewface and I texted a lot (and later became business partners/friends, so whatevs). Emily, meanwhile, has had her share too- a couple of coffee dates around, she had sex with somebody too. But we talk about it all. In a weird way, it's really, really good. I haven't felt even a little jealous and she tells me that she doesn't either.

So today, when she came over for the morning/afternoon, we talked a lot about Elliot. We talked about him because she asked- she wanted to hear about our flirting and kissing. Her reaction was basically "ohmygooood he's so precious, when can I meet him, show me his facebook pictures, this is so sweet, I love it." I assume she means what she says. It seems pretty genuine and I love her and she knows it. Emily seems to love all of my escapades... she appoved wholeheartedly of Jewface, mostly because Jewface was the meanest most tortuous flirter ever and Emily loves it when I squirm.

My worry isn't about rule-breaking. My worry is that, like, even though we have a great time together and I love her and we have ABSOLUTELY fantastic sex (today was so, so nice), I'm not quite sure if I'm devoted in the same way that she is. I'm not sure if it's fair and I'm not sure even if I want to be dating somebody.

I know that Elliot is swaying my judgement, and I know that it's because we're in that ridiculous fantastic flirty phase. I'm visiting Emily at her school next weekend- the 2nd-4th- and if it still feels like this after that visit, soul-searching will be in order.


radiosilence95's picture

Yes. Thank you for

Yes. Thank you for explaining. I can't imagine maintaining an open relationship like that, but hey, if it makes both you and Emily happy, why not?

whateversexual_llama's picture

i guess the worry for me now

i guess the worry for me now is that i'm not in love enough.

loreonpravus's picture

School terrifies me. My

School terrifies me. My first exam is on the 7th, and I've started studying, but no matter what I do the worry is always in the back of my mind. I'm worried I won't do well enough on the courses that I need to get into the major that I want. But right now, I just want the next four weeks over with so I can empty out my brain over the winter break and have sweet nothingness floating around in there.