This is me procrastinating. I have a lot of work to do over thanksgiving: a chem take-home lab and a pre-lab, notes, chem problems, some research for a big essay, a ton of reading. oh well. one step at a time.
I cleaned my room and I feel cleansed, but still anxious about school.
I got a 56.5% on a chem exam. That was a blow. If I get an 80% on the (cumulative) final, my professor will drop the low score. So that's good.
Spent a long afternoon with a friend of mine, AI. She's in a bunch of my classes and we get along, which is pretty much grounds for friendship during the first semester of freshman year. I told her about Elliot and she told me to be careful not to hurt Emily.
I'm seeing Emily tomorrow, not for long. She's in town with her parents for thanksgiving and she's going to come over around 9:30 for morning sex and then lunch. I have class 8-9:15 and then at 3:30. Then the afternoon will be for homework. Then Thanksgiving. I'm taking the train out of the city to my cousin's (about 40 minutes away) to do the day with the whole extended family.
That could be weird- gendershit is gendershit. We'll see how it goes. I really don't want to go back to being called "she," even for a day.
I told the school gender therapist about this... then she dumped me for being too well-adjusted and told me to make an appointment if shit hits the fan, or if my parents are ready for me to start hormones.
Elliot came over last night. It was our fourth night in a row hanging out, after 2 nights of mix and the one day we went shopping. I told him when i texted him that we should hang out before he left for thanksgiving, and he said that meant it had to be last night. I said "oh, well nevermind, I can't see you four days in a row. I'll OD on smitten." We flirted for a while and then decided he's come by my building at 7.
We didn't have a plan. So we didn't really know if it was a date or a booty call. In the end I said "well we could go up to my room and eat milanos and watch any of the nerdy dvds that i own." He agreed and came up to my dorm, admired my dvd collection and selected Easy A. We watched it and leaned on each other and glanced at each other and blushed.
He was too shy to make the first move, which was cute but frustrating. I didn't want to kiss him if he didn't definitely want kisses. There was flirting and sassiness and sarcasm and snuggles and I made him a cup of tea and finally we kissed and he's just... so sweet. So adorable. So shy, and so loving. I can't get enough of him. Of the banter and the joking and the quiet moments and his skin and his neck.
Those of you who've been reading my posts for the past year know that I haven't been the greatest boyfriend to Emily. You know that my world absolutely revolved around her, that she was my rock and my love and my everything... but that I haven't treated her well. I've cheated. We're open now, but I'm not supposed to be smitten like this.
So I'll see her tomorrow. I'll feel it out.
Or we'll just fuck and then I'll ponder later.