Stark Raving Mad (We Were Born To Confound Until We Die)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I'm in a strange mood. Unfortunately, a lot of who I was seems to be resurfacing in who I am. My old rage that completely devastated my life is coming back, and I'm so angry at everything- at my own very existence- that I just don't know what to do.

I've been having mood swings, and I keep going from high highs to low lows within a matter of hours- even minutes.

I've made a decision to refrain from reporting someone close to me for a crime. I don't think the crime is truly wrong, you see. But some people were able to convince me that it was the right thing to do, to report him. I struggled with the idea for a while, then decided to take the selfish way out. I love him, therefore I won't do anything to harm him. I can't... I can't even do things that make him angry. I'm terrified of him, in a way. I'm terrified of losing him, and of his anger. Because of that, he's able to manipulate me into doing just about anything he wants me to do. Which both he and I are somewhat bothered by.

On a lighter note, my city just had pride. I danced like a fool throughout the parade (I was in it!) and dazzled people with my incredible ability to perform high kicks. XD

I'm sick to-day. So unpleasant. It may be a sinus infection. I hope not.

I'm listening to k. d. lang sing Helpless. Lovely song.

I once wrote that the meaning of life is beauty. I think I still believe that, in a way. If Truth is beautiful, which I think it is, and beauty is the meaning of life... Makes sense to me.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I don't think I have any sense of what you look like to begin with... but whatever that vision is, it certainly did NOT perform high kicks at pride!

I'm confused how you seem a bit bullied by the person you didn't turn in to the police. I mean, you'd think that'd buy you some slack, no?!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Haha

Are you saying you don't believe me or that you weren't expecting that? XD

I wouldn't say I feel bullied by him... He just scares me a bit. He's almost never angry at me, but when he is it really scares me. It's usually my fault that he gets angry, anyways. In this case it was because of the fact that I even told my psychologist about it, and that I let myself be pressured into something.

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

jeff's picture

Wouldn't...

expect that.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Ah.

Cool. XD

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.