Stuck in a Rut

artsguy's picture

So i haven't posted anything in a while and a lot has changed for me. But i'm not sure, if i'd say its changed for the better.
I had started University in September, and although i had high hopes of making a lot of great friends, coming out and letting people know i may be bi or even gay, nothing happened.
In fact, i just became overly anxious and depressed, and it had gotten to the point where i barely left my room to even eat food. I knew i had to come home, and at first i was humiliated and frustrated that i was even considering dropping out. But it had to be done..and now i'm back at home.

The problem is, i'm still just as depressed as i was, if not even more. I feel like i'm completely alone with how i feel and like no one really understands me. To top it off, my friends haven't been the greatest because all they do is stress about their own problems..and over the years i've become everyone's 'stable person' and helping everyone else except myself. But now, i need to be surrounded with people that want to hear about me and my problems and that genuinely want me to get better. I'm sick of feeling invisible and like i'm on the shadow of my friends lives instead of living my own.
Most importantly, i feel stuck in a rut because i know i need and want change in my life..i just don't know how to go about doing it. I need to make new friends that are how i want to be..fun, warm, and preferably bi or gay.
I just have no idea where or how to get there. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

Comments

thoughtgoddess's picture

Have you checked to see if

Have you checked to see if there's a queer youth/student group somewhere near you? Or even groups or clubs that are relevant to other interests you have, where you can be in a completely new group of people and present yourself as you want them to see you? Like, it's much easier to come out, and can be done far more casually, if you're dealing with people who you barely know and who don't have preconceived ideas of who you are.

artsguy's picture

Yeah

Yeah, you have a good point. I'll look into groups i can join. I wanted to join one up at the school i was in, but never went to a meeting because i left before there ever was one. Thanks for the advice! :)

jeff's picture

Well...

Do you think you're depressed because of this situation, or depressed and in this situation? One is situational, the other is chemical.

There is no magic step to take, but any step away from where you're at now is a positive one.

You can also consider things you enjoy doing, and finding groups that gather to do those things. I realize San Francisco is a crazy example, since there are way too many options, but there is actually a group called SF Movie Bears, a group entirely made up of fat, hairy guys who like movies. And they'll go have drinks afterwards, chat about it, etc.

Most of it will be determined by your location and the number of options, of course.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

artsguy's picture

i'm not too sure to be honest..

i feel like i'm depressed and in this situation because i've had depressed outbursts since last year. However, because of all this change and new beginnings and stuff happening in my life, i think its escalated and made it way worse.

As for doing stuff i like to do, i've joined a theatre class so i'm looking forward to that. But i will look for more bi/gay related programs...because i really do want to meet and become friends with people i can relate to in that area as well.
Thanks for the advice!

jeff's picture

Well...

With rare exceptions, theatre class is a gay/bi program. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

artsguy's picture

haha..

..very true

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Ahh.

I understand that. Amongst many of my acquaintances, my oftentimes cold and detached demeanor gets mistaken for stability. I, personally, am highly unstable, as most people that have known me are aware. But amongst many friends, I'm the Go-To Guy for advice. Apparently I give good advice. But anyways, the fact that many people assume that I'm the stable one who's got a grip on life means that many people don't even bother to wonder if I'm alright. It's an upsetting situation. However, if your friends know you well, they'll probably see you're in distress- and if they don't see it, tell them how you feel! You can't expect the others around you to see your pain without you telling them. Perhaps the reason that you feel you live in the shadows of your friends is because you allow yourself to be.

In any case, my long-winded and probably useless advice ends here. Also, since I've never met you before, pleased to meet you. I'm Top Hat.

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

artsguy's picture

same with me

All my friends feel like i give good advice, and i guess have a good grip on life as well...but inside i'm completely unstable. I guess you're right though, i just need to be more open about it...the problem is that i have these walls i put up around me and even if i want to, its really hard for me to let them down and trust people. Also, one of my 'issues' is me questioning my sexuality and i can't exactly talk about that with my friends..which i suppose is another reason why i make things more about my friends that i do myself, because i'm still afraid of being who i really am. I"m sorry to hear though that your friends dont even bother to ask if you're alright..it's true that it's the quiet one's you gotta watch out for (within in my friends, i'm always the quiet one too)

and your advice is not useless at all, in fact it's really helped me see my whole situation better. Nice to meet you too!

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Ah, yes.

I know all about walls. Trust is very hard- people are so inconsistent that it's hard to know who can be trusted.

Also, if you ever need to talk to someone about your sexuality, I'd be glad to help. I've done enough research that I might be of some help, however minor.

I'm glad I could be helpful. :)

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

artsguy's picture

Exactly

I thought i knew my friends, but i was wrong..when it came to who really has a good interest in me as opposed to who just loves to hear themselves talk and me help them.
Thanks so much, i'd love to be able to talk about my sexuality...although to be honest, i'm not too sure where to start.

And yes, you are very helpful..even just being able to talk to people on here is helpful, so anything extra, i'm very appreciative of :)

elph's picture

Not quite clear...

Have you dropped out of your freshman year?

This suggests that maybe you have:

"But it had to be done..and now i'm back at home."

If you have dropped out, I'd encourage you to make sure that you can return at the earliest possible date... possibly with a better choice of major!

Jeff's suggestion is a good one: If you have ever had any experience in acting (not absolutely necessary), you are sure to find a great group majoring in Theater (possibly combined with Creative Writing).

If you frequently feel depressed, you may be! I would consult with your school counselor or health center for a preliminary assessment.

If you are diagnosed as being clinically depressed... take heart, there are a number of quite effective drugs that can help. However, the downside of most drugs that address depression is that they also tend to reduce one's libido --- but only for as long as the drug is prescribed.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

"Only for as long as the drug is prescribed"

In my experience, antidepressants are prescribed mostly for the rest of your life. People get upset when you go off of them. I learned that the hard way. XD

* * *
The father now gallops, with terror half wild,
He holds in his arms the shuddering child;
He reaches his farmstead with toil and dread,—
The child in his arms lies motionless, dead.

artsguy's picture

Yes

I dropped out of school, and am now back at home.
Luckily the school i left, has a policy that i am able to come back within five years...but i'm thinking i want to apply to a different program at a different school thats closer to where i live.

Yeah, Jeff definitely has a good suggestion and the program i want to go into is a more 'hands on' theatre program where i can design sets and costumes and stuff. Which i'm also hoping will be a place where i can meet more guys that are bi or gay as well.

I am depressed, but i've started to go to a psychologist which i'm hoping will help. I don't really want to use drugs unless there's really no other option. Not that i have anything against them or people that use them, i just don't think my depression is that serious as of now.