Things about nothing

Uncertain's picture

Holidays are so monotonous. Seriously, what is the point of life? Ya, tell me it's all about enjoying yourself, about what you make of it. So I drink, party, hook up with people (only over the weekend at gay clubs, nothing more), gym, meet new people, I have been going out every day, buy new clothing, eat ridiculous amounts of food, sleep, more sleep, walk around the city, try new things like speed which keeps me awake for days, have meetings, get singing lessons from my friend, try to learn german and I have no idea why I am doing all this.

Like, I feel like I'm doing one thing to distract myself from the others. And except when I'm high or drunk I feel like time is just passing by and I should give a damn but I don't, so I just sleep. Yet I don't want the holidays to end, it's such a contradiction. It feels like I'm doing so much but almost nothing at all, like all these things I'm doing is so artificial and, it is all pointless. I only look forward to going out and occasionally exercising, because those are the only things that make me feel good, albeit it being transient. I thought maybe I just needed to get with people, and I finally did since exams over the weekend, but I just felt more empty the next day. So what is it? What is it that I am looking for or searching? When I feel empty during the day, I go op shopping, then the next day the clothes just look like shit. And I spend hundreds of dollars on alcohol and cigarettes which is just pathetic.

Maybe I need a hobby. I'm going to go to the gym everyday. Okay. Then an hour of german study. Then either sing or read until the evening before I go out. Yes that sounds like it would give my life more grounding and purpose.

I also need to get my restricted license. I got my politics grades back today, an A- and an A, not too bad for two stage two papers, and almost zero percent class attendance. Oh yeah I'm also goin overseas soon... In a month... Something to look forward to.

I have no moral compass, drifting, drifting, right.

Comments

625539's picture

ack i hate speed, it makes

ack i hate speed, it makes me so jittery and way too conversational.. aha

if the clothes look shitty the next day you need givenchy maybe

but i do this too
i usually pretend i'm in a movie or a book and i just do whatever i think my character should do next
so it becomes a game instead of emptiness

Uncertain's picture

It's like playing the sim,

It's like playing the sim, lining things up for myself to do. Conflating desires and goals. No distinction.