Hm, I'm quite sure I have an admirer, now

swimmerguy's picture

Well, first, CAG, you know, Cute Asian Guy, came to sit next to me in the lunch room. The exact circumstances are hard to explain, you kinda need to be me, but this kid who has no particular reason for even knowing me, intentionally searched me out during lunch, to sit next to me.
I would write down all the evidence I have for suspecting he's gay, but there's a lot and I've said it before. This is just the most obvious.
I don't think there can be hardly any doubt now, he's almost certainly interested.

Well, I'm not really too worried about that till after break, this would be a horrible time.
But yeah, pretty excited about that...

Anyway, quickly, all I really wanted to speak about was homophobia and how it becomes more and more abhorrent to me.
I really don't know why people are homophobic, it makes less and less sense to me as time goes on.

For example, I don't smoke. And I think people who smoke are kinda stupid, frankly, it's really just disgusting. And it's slightly annoying to pass people in the street huffing out this disgusting smoke.
But who the fuck am I to tell them they can't do that?

If they want to do it, they're happy, why the fuck can I tell them they can't do what they want? Even though I'd likely avoid them, they're really gross.

It's just, the prospect of telling other people what they can and can't do in their own personal lives because of the ideas you have for how a person should live, has been making less and less sense to me for some time. Now I really don't understand how people can just do that, just to think of like homophobia really pisses me off now.
People debate about whether it's a choice, and well, fuck them, of course it isn't, but even if it was, what the fuck would that matter? It doesn't fucking affect you, does it?
And it's offensive to God, so you need to stop it? I've really never understood that either, it seems like, to me, God's a big boy, I think he can handle his own enemies. The hubris required to somehow know what the guy you proclaim to be all-knowing, all-powerful master of the universe, and then to enforce based on that, is just beyond me.
Why can't you just content yourself that all the dirty faggots will burn in the next life? Why do you need to fight God's battles for him? He's fucking GOD.

Or people who don't like porn. I mean, smokers, gays, even that makes a little more sense than porn, because you could be unhappy seeing 2 guys holding hands or 2 chicks kissing or seeing someone smoking and having to hold your breath going past, but why porn?
Why does it somehow bother you that even though the only way to find porn is to search it out, and therefore you'll never come into contact with it accidentally, why does just the thought that there's other people out there in their own houses doing things you disagree with but that don't affect you?
I really just don't understand.

I mostly mention this because one of my best friends is really a bigot. I don't want to tell him I'm gay, and I wear a scarf at school, and he keeps telling me to take it off and trying to steal it and calling me a faggot, and it's like SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER DOES IT FUCKING MATTER TO YOU.
And a few other guys doing that too.


Dracofangxxx's picture

I always think it's funny,

When people are like GAY IS A SIIIIIN
and I'm like
Jesus died for OUR sins. Mine too. You think your sins are more special and valid than mine or something? :P

but omg, god's a big boy. That's great.

Uhhh and the guys being mean to you? Maybe Shel-esbian should take care of 'em >:D
That's redick!

elph's picture

Yeah! Definitely interested...

And... I'm very pleased that you and CAG both seem to be taking such cautious steps... slowly entering each other's libidinal fields. It seems to be playing out as though a pre-ordained master plan is in place...

Long Christmas vacation is imminent... and... I hope that your exchanged texts over the break will gradually reveal what it is that is so difficult for each of you to say face to face...

I think you deserve each other.

Am I right, CAG's been quite "helpful" so far? :)

RainbowTime's picture

i think he is into you the

i think he is into you the now, i like the cautious steps and find it funny i completely skipped them

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

socialist's picture

I'm jealous.

I think your situation with CAG is different from mine with Brad. Even if Brad is gay and interested in me (which isn't very likely), he's a lot less social with me than CAG. Don't ruin this! You must talk to him before he dies, moves, or graduates.

Don't let homophobia bother you. You can just counter it with heterophobia, which makes much more sense. In an overpopulated society, heterosexuality is the worst kind of plague that could exist; remember that.

Unless a homophobe has a beard (if it is male), has never had sex with anyone unless it is married to someone of the opposite sex, etc., it should not be accusing anything of sin.

You are quite a hypocrite. Homophobia makes other people happy. Why is it bothering you? What they personally believe and enjoy saying shouldn't be such a big deal to you.

Why are you "friends" with a homopobe? If you don't trust him, he isn't a friend.* Find someone else to have a social relationship with. If I can't trust a person enough to tell it I'm gay, I wouldn't consider it my friend. (All of my friends and more know of my homosexuality.)

Also, why do you wear scarves? They aren't that warm and they're hideous. My sister's (gay) friend wears scarves all the time and he doesn't know how to incorporate them into an outfit. They're so ugly!†

Ugh! WHY?

RainbowTime's picture

couldn't agree more about

couldn't agree more about everything you said

but id say your more Lovestruck with brad than he is with CAG

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

Dracofangxxx's picture

The scarf...

Is blue and I hand knitted it... And it's most certainly not ugly, it's rather warm, and full of love in every stitch :'3
That's redick!

jacjessen90's picture

heeeyyy....i like scarves....

i use them in my outfits all the time.... it's become one of my trademarks....if it's raining i'll put one of my waterproofed scarves over my sweater and instead of belts, i'll just use one of my tye-dyed scarves to hold up my pants... i even use some of the smaller large handkerchiefs as ties by folding them diagonally and then folding the 2nd point toward the long fold and then the short fold to the long fold and then i tie it around my neck in a bow and have a home made bow-tie.......if you buy those really big scarves and handkerchiefs you can do amazing things with your wardrobe....all you need are like 1 hankie in each colour (i have 3 in each of 12 colours...) and various scarves and you can turn a simple outfit into something that's memorable...
~"i'm a real Witch, Before, During AND After my coffee!"

swimmerguy's picture


I suspect you weren't serious in all of that, but it's hard to tell on the Internet, so I'll act like you were.

Well, I guess CAG could die soon, or could I, but since we're both healthy and young, I wouldn't assume so anytime soon.
Moves is probably the most likely, but I assume it's probably not going to happen.
And graduates, well, we're both sophomores, so I could theoretically wait 2 years or more, if he doesn't move, which I have no reason to suspect he will.
However, we'll see what happens after the break, I'll see if he'll have lunch with me again or somesuch, we could talk.

As for the accusations of hypocrisy because I'm bothered by homophobes, it's not equivalent. Frankly, I don't mind at all if my friends don't want to think of gay people together, or even if they hate gays and think they should be killed. As long as they never mention it to me or be annoying about it, they can think whatever they want.
In other words, I'm really pissed at the idea of homophobia. I don't care if anyone's pissed at the idea of homosexuality, but if they start trying to search them out and take away our rights, I'll get pissed.

And you ask why I'm friends with a homophobe. Well, first things first, it's for the very reason I'm not a hypocrite.
The only reason I'd stop hanging out with a friend is if their company starts to become unpleasant to me. If he holds reservations about my homosexuality, as long as he holds them in, that's fine with me.
If he starts ranting at me and calling me a faggot, I'll get uber pissed at him and stop friendship in an instant.

As for people who say that if someone doesn't like you cause you're gay, they were never really your friend, I disagree. If I lived in Uganda, where they now have like a death penalty for homosexuality, I think I could have a lot of true friends, they're just homophobes. That's just part of the culture, as I say all the time, culture is arbitrary. And we're all affected by it.
If you're born in a town where the only thing you hear from birth is how gayness is sinful, and ridiculous figures about how it's harmful to life, you'd have to be by nature a VERY free-thinking individual to question such indoctrinated childhood beliefs.
There's like a figure, I think it's either 1 in 7 or 1 in 12, people break from their parents' religion. The rest stay. By nature, people don't break from the beliefs they're taught in childhood, it just doesn't happen, and it doesn't make them a bad person, or not a true friend, if the ideas they're taught happen to be wrong.
And so the thought that I couldn't have any friends in a town of homophobes where they could, simply because I'm gay and they're not, makes no sense to me.
Childhood indoctrination, arbitrary as the ideas taught may be, is extremely powerful and can even erode friendships, it just can.

And about the scarf, are you saying that all scarves are ugly? No exceptions?
The scarf looks nothing like that, so how could you assume about how a scarf that you don't know the looks of, fitting with an outfit you don't know the rest of, on a person you don't know?
And it keeps my neck warm, come at me bro :P

socialist's picture

You don't seem very interested in CAG.

I think I care about you and CAG more than you do. I'm also about ten times more obsessed with Brad than you are with CAG. Maybe it's because I've never even spoken with an openly gay person, so I have much more desire for a boyfriend, thus making me more obsessed over a boy than you could possibly be. Anyway, talk to him.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends with it because it's a homophobe. I'm saying that if you don't trust it enough to tell it that you're gay, you aren't friends. Friendship requires mutual trust. I joke sometimes about sort of gay things, like when I told him that I was jokingly flirting with a guy in one of my classes, but he always thinks I'm serious for some reason.
Yes, I am saying that all scarves are ugly with no exceptions. I'm not saying they all look the same; I'm saying that they are all ugly. The picture was just an example of how ugly scarves are. You'll have to take a picture of your scarf to confince me that it looks good.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Your "caring" about your precious Brad is borderline obsession.

From the amount you talk about him, it seems unhealthy... Obsession isn't good , man. Don't be ragging on Chad for not caring much about the boy, when he's been feeling rough and apathetic :/

He can take it slow. That's the best, anyways. You get to savour it longer. I'd rather see one of my good friends not getting all preteen obsessed with their first boyfriends, thanks...

And really, no, he looks rather fabulous in the scarf. It is like milk and cookies.
That's redick!

socialist's picture

I do get obsessed with thing easily.

List of things I think about:
1. Friends
2. Music (I'm so extremely obsessed with Tool that I can't even describe it.)
3. Brad (obviously)
4. Talk shows
5. Whatever is going on at the moment (like right now, I'm typing this in between watching Breaking Bad, so that's dominating my brain)
6. Oasis Journals.

Outside of all this, I don't really think about anything except school and a biograophy of Adolf Hitler that I'm reading.

swimmerguy's picture


I certainly think about CAG a lot more than I write on here, but I figure that basically since everything running through my head is the same, there's no reason to continue writing the same re-running monologue over and over, as it happens in my head, I have no reason to share the pain with you guys, really I'd rather forget it and I figure that to help stop thinking about it would be helped by not writing about it compulsively on here.

Everything I think about or that happens to me doesn't always get on here, just because I don't write about CAG as often doesn't mean I don't think about it, just that there really isn't a whole lot of breaking news happening.

And I am kinda trying to take it slow. I figure that me, with no experience, my only chance to not fuck things up is to be careful, not to just launch into things. After break I very well might go for it, but I know that it's very possible as a teenager to go really fast in things.
For example, Daniel, the kid I had a thing with at camp, it was kinda fun, and I'm really glad that it happened at camp, because I was too hasty, and he was DEFINITELY too hasty, and for months afterward he was gmailing me being like message me I love you <3 and I'd just be really annoyed, like okay, I know jack shit about love, and I suspect you do too. But I have at least the basic faculties to realize that I'm definitely not experiencing it for you, and after one week of being "together" at camp, there's no way you're experiencing it for me either, I'm sure.
Now, with Daniel, that worked out perfectly, it was at camp, he was annoying, and after he started to get on my nerves I didn't have to see him again, and hopefully won't again, for at least a long time.
But I think CAG's a little more special than that, I'd rather not go too fast, fuck something up, and end up with me hating him, or him hating me.
I think one of the things I learned by being gay was that relationships don't really come a dime a dozen, I can't just go using boyfriends like paper cups and throwing them away when I'm done with them, I actually have to put some effort into it, appreciate it.

About the friend guy, whatever, frankly. Whether or not I tell him, my single criteria for friends is if someone is pleasant to hang around, if he gets so annoying he's no longer pleasant to be around, then I'll stop talking to him.

Whatever, I guess based on the subjective nature of ugliness, we'll necessarily not agree. Maybe everyone else thinks it's ugly, frankly, I don't really care, I like it, and it keeps my neck warm. :P

elph's picture


...I have no difficulty in appreciating your internal turmoil wrt CAG... I've "been there" too many times... and... regrettably(?), I never allowed myself to proceed much further beyond where you are now.

Times are so much more propitious now. Truly!

Were I able to be a teen today, would I be any less fearful of rejection (I think this is what I feared the most)? I truthfully do not know...

But... I do know that I'd fall to sleep nightly... more often than not with slowly leaking tears: "God, how I wish we could be the closest of friends... how I'd wish we could embrace... him lying beside me." Mutually committed affection was my overriding wish... sex (I thought) might come later...

What was indeed tragic is that I saw my loves as being an unnatural perversion. No one could ever know. I was indeed quite ignorant... as were so many other young gays in that age. (The term then was queer = recognized by society as a detestable and hell-destined pervert.)

Can you imagine how envious I am that you're living in such an "age of enlightenment?" It's not yet fully achieved... but you certainly have no capability of appreciating just how much times have changed!


From the few inchoate scenes within your mind that we've been allowed to view, a true friendship between you and CAG sounds quite idyllic (word used despite Socialist's objection)...

But... how to proceed? I guess that the two of you will just have to muddle it out. And some mistakes are almost inevitable... But, never mind!

Probably (were I you) I'd send a few brief texts over the holidays... sufficiently unambiguous in suggesting that you may have much in common that'd make a mutual friendship a "no brainer".

If you have his address... maybe a simple Christmas card signed "friends... hopefully." Or... something more in line with current teen vernacular...

But don't replicate Daniel's tactics!


Wishing all a great holiday!

elph's picture

Could it be...

...that you just don't like her boyfriend (or, alternatively... you like him too much)?

Whatever, scarves don't frighten me! :)

socialist's picture

Whose boyfriend?

Was this a replly to the wrong comment?

elph's picture

It's difficult to tell...

...isn't it? So many levels of indentation.

Anyway it was meant for you and your sister's gay friend (presumably not Brad).

It was meant in a friendly way... maybe a bit TIC... but definitely not critical!