I Don't Know How I Feel.

cheese's picture

Second entry of the day?
Why not.

I feel something, i just cant quite put my finger on it.
It's kind of a sad feeling.
Maybe i feel sorry for myself.

I think im done being angry for today.

I wish i was better at expressing myself.
I guess im okay at it, not verbally.
I can kinda get out what I'm feeling when i do a project for art.
Not all the time though.

Last weekend a girl who goes to my school committed suicide.
It didnt affect me much when suzanne told me, i didnt know her at all.
But just seeing everyone at school, all the things they did in memory of her, kinda made me realize how much of a big deal it really was.
Not just because she did it, but cause I can say ive been at that point many times before.
I realized that even if you were to feel like the most unloved person in the world, that doesnt make it true. Everybody cares.
Of course that's to a certain extent, but still.
It made me realize even more of how i much i would affect those around me if i just decided to give up one day.
And honestly, that's the only thing that's stopped me in the past.
Knowing that i wouldnt be the only one affected.
Everyone would be.
And then they would question themselves.
Asking themselves if they really did that bad of a job of comforting me when i needed it.
If they could have been there more in some way.

And i just cant do that to my friends and family.

That's to cruel of a thing for me to do.

Not very many people who are close to me know about this side.
Not even Christina, who knows almost everything there is to know about me, knows about this.

I think that as the years have gone by, ive grown better about this.

Ive had thoughts like this for a very long time.
And it kinda scares me sometimes when i think about it.
When i was younger, they were more over me being upset. Or not having any real close friends.
I've always been a loner. I just dont make friends very easily
But i'm a very friendly person. Very likeable. Or at least that's what ive been told.
People tell me that im a good friend and they're glad they met me.

Which just adds to my guilt when i get thoughts of suicide.
But im glad for it.
My guilt stops me.
My guilt helps me rationalize things.
My guilt helps me realize that everything will get better.
My guilt gives me some hope....i guess in a way.

When i'm very upset, i get these thoughts too.
I dont think upset is the right word.

When i get angry*

There. That's better.

When i get angry i get those thoughts.
Not just your ordinary angry.
Like....Rage times two.
Fuming.
Pissed off.

I do. I want to hurt something when i get like that.
I want to take it out on myself sometimes, i guess.

It's terrible.
And it's harder for me to rationalize everything because im too focused on being angry.

It scares me because I'm not an angry person by nature.
Im very relaxed. Calm.
I have a lot of patience.
And i can usually deal with everyday anger very well.

It's a side of me that hardly ever shows itself.
If you knew me in person, you would see me as quite passive.
Not capable of that level of rage.
Your typical nerd.
Intelligent and always the one to get picked on.

I think that's where this is rooted at.
My being teased.
My being teased and not doing anything about it.

I know i should get help, but the whole thing intimidates me.
Im also afraid of what my parents will think.

I find that funny.
At the end of the day, i still care what they think.
But then again, doesnt everybody?

I dont want to worry my parents with this.
I also dont want to be prayed for at church.
I hate it when people i dont really like touch me.
I dont like it when a group of people touch me, praying.
it freaks me out and makes me angry.

I think that as long as i have my guilt, im fine.
That's how ive always felt.

And i think im going to have to keep it that way until I'm on my own.
I just dont want to worry my family.

They dont need to know that i've been dealing with this for a very long time and have yet to say anything about it.

Now that i think of it, i can trace thoughts like this back to about 2nd grade.
I vaguely remember the house we lived in, i remember myself being angry with my parents. Like really angry.
I remember thinking that i was going to suffocate myself. Suffocate myself because my parents upset me.
How stupid.
I was a small child though, i didnt rationalize any of this.
I didnt sit there and think "Oh hey, this is a very serious matter. You shouldnt even joke about doing it, let alone attempt it because your parents made you angry."

Ive never in my life told anyone this, let alone an internet community filled with people i dont know very well (no offense).
But i feel safe here.
Like i can say whatever i please, and i wont have to worry about being judged.

Now im more aware of how fucked up i am in the head.

Great.

I dont hurt myself anymore though.
Last time i did was last year.
once last year.

And then i realized that doing so was stupid in many ways, and there are better ways to cope.

hah.

Im not as smart as i think i am.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

Cheese....

That was a very long journal, and very difficult to read. I can relate to alot of it though. Throughout my 4 years in high school, I had many friends, and many aquaintances choose to take their lives.

It's part of the reason why I did not. I can relate to those feelings going back to second grade as well. the first time I had those feelings was also in second grade, due to divorce, disease, peer pressure, bullying, and realizing I was different...but it's that anger, that rage, and at times, that guilt that truly does give you the strength to endure. Props to you for not cutting for a year.

I was never huge into cutting, but I did try it a few times. I also had a friend die from it in high school when she got drunk and cut up the veins, too deep.

but thanks for sharing your journal. really. Not alot of kids would have gone that deep on here.

hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman