do any of you have the one person, that whenever you do something, they always have some way to imrpove it. but it ends up just making it so you dont feel like your original idea wasnt good enough.
and see, im not...well fuck, im going to stop dancing around the subject! every single time i do soemthing, my mum swoops in and just takes it over.
almost 80% of the time ive been doing a poster for school, when i was younger, shes ended up doing the whole thing, and i just give her the pieces of information that needs to go on it, wistfully remembering what I wanted this poster to look like, and how I would have done it of my own accord. or, sometimes, ill even have finished a poster, but shell just redo the whole fuckign thing becuase she doesnt think i did it right. but, it isnt just posters, every time in my entire life that ive wrapped a present in my life, she unwraps in and reraps how SHE wants it to be wrapped. but today, i thougth i had finally wrapped a gift perfectley.
i mean, it looked glorious, or at least as wrapped up cd of praise songs can look (see, my church youth group is doing a secret santa, i wouldnt torture anyone outside of my church with praise songs) i even put a nice little not in it to the person and stuff. and then i hid it. i fuckign hid my perfectley wrapped christian music, so she wouldnt find it! but, so, she asks me, who i was giving a gift to a few minutes ago.
me: oh, [insert name of very musicley talented girl at my church]
her: what did you get her?
me: a disk of praise songs
her: oh, you know what would go great with that for her?!
her: gloves and a scarf!
me: oh, do you think?
her: yeah, ill go get some from my craft room
me: well, i already have the things wrapped up you know, and we're suposed to keep it kinda small.
her: just take a look at them!
me:...(as she runs off to retrieve gloves.
her: (brings back gloves) ok, how are these
me: um, that one i guess. but i already have my gift wrapped up and stuff
her: oh, well we'll just put it all in a bag toghether.
and at that point, it wasnt my gift anymore. now it was HER gift, with my tiny contribution in it.
and yeah, that seems petty, but you have to understand, she does this to me so often. she ownt let me cut my own apples! I CANT CUT MY OWN FUCKING APPLES! i am always so submissive, prefering to wacth refer then participate, becuase im terrified that ill do soemthing really well, but then someone will say "oh, you should change..." and i cant jsut flat say no, becuase then its like im a total dick who thinks im so much better then everyone. but its not like that. i jsut want to feel like i can do stuff on my own, and feel like what i do manage to do is worth while.
you know, this is why i hide stuff from her. becuase that stuff is mine. i dont have to worry about her screwing it up. i once had her edit a paper in third grade, about the alimo. she pretty much rewrote it for me. i just...sigh, i dont have tiem to finish this journal. but yeah. thats pretty muhc the extent.