*lame title*

cheese's picture

So i guess ive been doing better since my break down and realization of everything in my life.
I'm not sure how i feel still.
Like, i've somehow managed to push all my problems to the back of my head again.
I've somehow convinced myself that everything is going to be okay, and that i need not worry about anything.
That everything will fix itself.

It's basically what i tell everyone who comes to ask me for advice.
Or the people who are going through a rough time.

Maybe im starting to take my own advice?

im not sure.

Hopefully i am.

I dont feel happy, but i dont feel very sad either.
Or angry.

As if i'm just....here.

Taking up space.

Suzanne and i are talking again.
It's as if nothing ever happened between us.
One school day and a weekend of silence is all it took.

Typical stupid teenage girl drama.
You know.


I'm starting to realize that mybe one of the reasons my romantic relationships don't work out is because I am an unstable person.
And i always, for some reason, pick the also unstable girls.
I mean, i've made it work before. Once.
But that's cause Christina and i were both willing to try and fix our problems. We had communication.
With these other girls, communication is a bit strained in the "what's bothering me/you" area.
And they usually arent willing to fix their problems.
So im the only idiot trying.

And you cant really do something like that in a relationship, i think.
No, im pretty sure.
Shit takes teamwork.

Why do i pick the unstable girls who arent willing to fix anything?


Can i at least pick someone who is stable? Someone who is willing to deal with me.
Cause god knows, i can get annoying with my emotional-ness.
Or at least i feel that i'm annoying.

And then i feel bad for telling people.

But anyways, it seems there aren't any stable girls where i live, and if there is they're straight. haha. or taken.

K talked to me in 1st today.
She asked me for my apple. :|
And then she asked how i was, but didnt give me a chance to answer.
She started talking to someone else. :I

Becky talked to me too the other day. I think it was one of those days i felt like complete shit.
I almost cried when she hugged me.

It felt good being hugged though.
Like not just an ordinary hug.

One of those hugs that means a lot.
I think i've only had hugs like that with her and Christina.
Come to think of it, i really miss hugging Christina.
She gives great hugs. And it's been about two years since i last hugged her .-.
If i could, i'd drive up there and hug her. And then never let go.
I think if i could do that, i'd be the happiest person ever.

Im pretty sure she misses me just as much. :3
I mean, we talk sometimes, and when we do and we're just really into it, i can tell.
I mean, i can kinda feel what we had two years ago. And it makes me happy and sad. like at the same time. :o
i think i started crying the last time i felt it. but they werent sad tears.
they were happy tears.

I still have feelings for her.
Although they've gone away a little. Only cause I've realized that it wont work out if im not there. it sucks.

And im confused as to whether i should move closer to her.
Like, she's kinda brought it up.
But i dont know.
I dont want to leave everything i have here for something that could be risky.
I just dont want to be hundreds, no thousands, of miles away from the people that are there when she and i fight. errr argue. lol.
I dont want to be alone and hurt.

So im very hesitant. Like, incredibly.

But the part of me that loves her wants to. so badly.
Like, i want to go up there during spring break. :s


gotta head off to Econ.


Lehcure's picture

Econ as in economics class,

Econ as in economics class, yeah? Yikes.
The only idiot trying? Frankly, the one not trying is the idiot!
Wow, that would be a great adventure..traveling for love. Even if things don't work out, what an experience. With that being said, I don't encourage leaving school or family responsibilities. Pero, que romantico!

cheese's picture


Yup, Econ. as in Economics. I actually like that class. The teacher is pretty friggin awesome :D
Traveling for love? Yeah, i've never thought of it that way. I don't know what it is about her that would make me want to do that. I mean, I'd give my right arm for her if i needed to lol.
She tells me we're going to get married one day, she just doesn't know it yet. haha :3

"So can you tell me what's left when everything you care for carries on, when broken dreams are built to make you strong. When the memories of yesterday fall through these broken dreams are built to help you through." ~Authority Zero

Lehcure's picture

Aww haha The future looks

Aww haha The future looks interesting!

hellonwheels's picture

Gotta agree w/ Lehcure in this case...

and you're gonna get married and don't know it yet? lol...that is awesome.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman