Not exactly in a good mood.

socialist's picture

First, I don't think Brad likes me. He acts too normal around me. It just doesn't seem like it. I think about him all the time.

That isn't why I'm sad, though. I'm sad because I feel like I'm still in the closet about being gay. Plenty of people know, but I am never alone with anyone so we can't mention it. I haven't even said the word "gay" in a very long time (as I came out to people on the internet because, again, I'm never alone with anyone). I can't go to the GSA at my school, either, because my family would want to know why I didn't take the bus home and I always go to the bus with my sister. I can't be completely out because my sister goes to my school.

Also, I still think it's strange that people my age lose their virginity. I have never wanted to have sex. Although I have been attracted to people and the idea of sex many times, I have never actually wanted sex. It seems like I'm too young. I might never want to have sex.

This is a bad concluding sentence.


whateversexual_llama's picture

<3 sounds like an unfun

<3 sounds like an unfun time, friend. Being in the closet is suffocating and frustrating and awful. Is there definitely no way that your sister can know? Is there definitely no way you could come up with some other excuse (after-school study groups are easy to pretend are real) so you could get to GSA? Talking to other queers IRL is wonderfully freeing.

As for sex, we over-exaggerate its significance. It's fun, sure. But it happens when it happens. I would've enjoyed my first time a lot more had I waited a few more years, but whatever, it's not like I'm ruined forever or anything. We all do things when they're ready to happen.

feel better.

socialist's picture

I do know three other queers in the school.

One is my sister's friend who doesn't know anything about me. The other is my pansexual friend and the first person I came out to (and always tells me to go to GSA because she is a big part of it), but I can't talk to her IRL. The third one is mostly gay and he knows that I'm gay. I see him in the hall sometimes, but I never have time to say anything more than "yo". I don't even know what his voice sounds like. I would really like to talk about it or something.


Dracofangxxx's picture

Is it really that weird that people our age have sex?

this is just the typical (Hint, read "typical) age that most people's hormones are exploding and our bodies are probably the most attractive and young they'll look in our lives for a while. Women start having periods and getting ready for babymaking. It makes sense that this would be the age we would have kids in the wild, because without our modern healthcare I believe living past forty was even rare...

So having a kid around the teens/twenties would seem to be a norm for us, but it's changed a bit in society. Besides... sex is fun! It's good excersize! And it makes you feel awesome! It's something that you don't understand till you have it, though. Like now that I'm actually regularily having it with the boyfriend and masturbating, I get urges way more than I did before ever attempting anything... it really all started with curiosity and led to something that everyone seems to think is terrible. But what's even terrible about it? It's what we're meant to do as humans! That's why it feels good!

Anyways, nothing wrong with not wanting it, nothing wrong WITH wanting it. I suppose abusing it is bad since there are consequences and such, but if you do it with only the ones you love and get tested, eh, kick out the jams all ya' want.

Either you'll grow into it or not. Doesn't really matter to anyone but yourself. Might take the right person for you to "get" it.
That's redick!

the mouse that roared's picture

I just jumped into your

I just jumped into your journal, but what's going on? Why are you forced to keep things so quiet? That sounds awful!

And I felt the same way about sex for a long time. Now I definitely want some sort of sex... but I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of actually having it yet. And I'm 22! So. There ya go.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

elph's picture

I'm still here...

And... I have no doubt that your longings will be met... but, you must be patient!

Concentrate on making friends... concentrate on helping others (this so important... try it!). Eventually you'll come to discover that some will slowly come to reveal that they are also repressed and gay... possibly like you?

Work on it... you're worth waiting for!


As for this comment: "Also, I still think it's strange that people my age lose their virginity. First off, this is primarily bravado!

Do you have a firm understanding of exactly what this means?

Probably not. At least... I know I don't!

I think in most cases "losing one's virginity" is covered by any mutually enjoyable activity that is libidinally satisfying (e.g., a shared orgasm).

I readily acknowledge that "purists" may insist upon their own quite idiosyncratic definitions... but there's no universally accepted definition of virginity when it comes to gay relations.