Too long of a comment, so i turned it into an entry. Just for you :o
(thanks for commenting btw. that meant a lot to me.)
I’m at a loss for words. I have so much to say, but no idea how. I think im relieved that someone out there knows what I’m going through. Who understands. Because frankly, I have no idea how even begin to explain what I feel to even my closest friend. I actually don’t think I trust them enough. I don’t feel I can trust them enough to not judge me and actually attempt to comfort me. I think I’m afraid that they’ll just see it as me wanting attention, that I’m lying. I don’t want to explain and then have them just not understand the level of the situation. I’m starting to think that my best friends aren’t really my best friends. In fact, as of yesterday I’ve cast them out. I’ve realized that I don’t care much if we stop talking or not.
I don’t know who is worthy of of that title, hah.
I actually had thoughts of soup on Thursday night. They weren’t like the ones I usually have. I didn’t feel as much guilt as I usually do. I planned it out in my head. I knew it was wrong. But I felt as if…..as if I just didn’t care anymore.
I scared myself. So, I pushed the entire idea out of my head and cried myself to sleep.
I think it kinda revolved around the whole “friend” situation. I’ve never really had friends. I actually didn’t have real friends until my junior year in highschool. We were close, but I still didn’t trust them enough to let them in all the way. I eventually stopped talking to all of them but one,Tyler. He eventually became my “best friend”. And here we are now. He and his girlfriend, Suzanne, call me their best friend, and I call them my best friends. I don’t think I feel that way though. Just the way I’m treated. I don’t feel that things should be the way they are.
And I’ve yet to let either of them in this far.
The most they’ve dealt with is post arguments with Christina. And that isnt much.
And then after what Suzanne said when that girl commited suicide didn’t really help much either.
I think she’s too insensitive to handle this. After that I’m afraid of what she’d say to me. I’d rather just not bring it up to her. Her being too insensitive kind of intimidates me I guess.
I hate that I’m surrounded by people who care, but I still feel so alone.
It sucks because they always tell me how much of a good person and friend I am, but I can never believe it. I’ve never felt the way they describe me.
I’ve always felt alone.
I think a lot of these feelings I have revolve around being afraid.
I always seem to be afraid of something.
Afraid I’ll fail. Afraid I’ll be denied something. Afraid I will be judged relentlessly. Afraid of what people think of me.
And I know I don’t feel this way just to feel this way. I’m a firm believer in psychoanalysis. Lol.
I agree with you on what you said about how everything that was happening to you as a young child affected the way you felt. My parents hadn’t divorced yet, but there were quite a bit of arguments. I never fit in at school. I was teased often. I never had an outlet for these things, I always kept my feelings bottled up. I gave the impression that I was happy.
I still do those things though. I don’t have many outlets for my anger, or sadness. And everyone thinks I’m happy. Happy with everything. I try to convince myself I am. And I believe it for awhile too. But then I realize that it’s all one big act.
I think it’s also behind me wanting to make people feel better, to make them feel happy with their own lives. Maybe, by me doing that I’m showing that I want someone to care like that for me. I’m acting out what I want for myself. I kinda wish that I could take my own advice. That I was that good at making myself feel better, the way I do others.
I wish I wasn’t such a coward.