Stereo love

Uncertain's picture

I'm becoming all those things he didn't want me to be. Is it conscious volition, subliminal inclinations or merely a coincidence? Am I immaturely resisting this amorphous control he has over me, or simply becoming myself again?

So many questions I cannot answer.

So many things i wanted to write about... But too tired now, I must sleep. I'm just going to make a list for now, because writing about it at this moment would not do it justice.

- My gym buddy who is from the Netherlands came out to me on Friday that she was bisexual. First person she told in the two and a half years she has been here.

- I did ecstasy for the third time on Friday. We went to a house/dance party and I kind of just did it although the last two times I did it I kind of freaked out. Also went to a gay club that evening, I was so high within like five minutes of getting there I was hooking up with someone and my friend had to 'save me'. I'm thinking of drinking less, and just doing more ecstasy.

- Went to my friends 21st birthday on Saturday, some not very flattering photos. Half price drinks, then free drinks, so I got incredibly wasted. Like moreso than I have been since when I was overseas in Australia. I was also tired too, so I was totally drinking too much... And I didn't want to go home. I feel like I was waiting for something to happen.

- I told my friend about my body image problems late in the early hours of the morning on Sunday. I think I am too skinny and too fat at the same time. Sometimes I will not eat or only eat one meal, then sleep for half the time because I cannot stay awake. At the same time I need to work out more, which means I need to eat. My body is disgusting.

- I also want plastic surgery, I am just being honest here. I met this boy who had them the other night, and he was beautiful. Maybe it was because I was high that night too, on speed, but I want to be beautiful too. My friends have been very supportive in general, but just not on this one issue.

- I have been smoking a lot these days, especially when I'm drunk. I started smoking again, until last weekend I chain smoked a whole pack in one evening, then I didn't smoke any more this entire week. I feel rather ambivalent towards it.

- Two of my good friends are dating each other. One of them is my best friend actually. I'm happy for them, but at the same time I wish I had someone too. Just the idea of having someone. Going on dates with them, having sex with someone you 'love', watching movies together in bed. My friends say I need to just enjoy being single for a while, and in many ways I have liked the change. But I haven't liked everything.

I guess that wasn't really a list. But that's my weekend in a nutshell.


elph's picture

One encouraging comment...

Idyllic: "...but at the same time I wish I had someone too. Just the idea of having someone. Going on dates with them, having sex with someone you 'love', watching movies together in bed."

I truly wish I had the wherewithal to help you "toss" the others.

You deserve such help... hopefully it can come both from within and from the encouragement of your many friends who care.

625539's picture

''I really wanna lose three

''I really wanna lose three pounds'' - Regina George

I want surgery too though...

elph's picture

If this were to happen... you, be especially careful to not turn sideways: people could easily run into you! :)

Just Dave's picture

Two things you probably knew already,

...but that I'm going to write anyway because I'm procrastinating and bored.

Plastic surgery will not really hurt anyone but yourself meaning two things:

1) If it's what you honestly think is best for you, there is not a reason in the world you shouldn't go for it.

2) If your friends are not supportive of this decision, they most likely just worried for you. It's probably worth it to hear them out.