I'm becoming all those things he didn't want me to be. Is it conscious volition, subliminal inclinations or merely a coincidence? Am I immaturely resisting this amorphous control he has over me, or simply becoming myself again?
So many questions I cannot answer.
So many things i wanted to write about... But too tired now, I must sleep. I'm just going to make a list for now, because writing about it at this moment would not do it justice.
- My gym buddy who is from the Netherlands came out to me on Friday that she was bisexual. First person she told in the two and a half years she has been here.
- I did ecstasy for the third time on Friday. We went to a house/dance party and I kind of just did it although the last two times I did it I kind of freaked out. Also went to a gay club that evening, I was so high within like five minutes of getting there I was hooking up with someone and my friend had to 'save me'. I'm thinking of drinking less, and just doing more ecstasy.
- Went to my friends 21st birthday on Saturday, some not very flattering photos. Half price drinks, then free drinks, so I got incredibly wasted. Like moreso than I have been since when I was overseas in Australia. I was also tired too, so I was totally drinking too much... And I didn't want to go home. I feel like I was waiting for something to happen.
- I told my friend about my body image problems late in the early hours of the morning on Sunday. I think I am too skinny and too fat at the same time. Sometimes I will not eat or only eat one meal, then sleep for half the time because I cannot stay awake. At the same time I need to work out more, which means I need to eat. My body is disgusting.
- I also want plastic surgery, I am just being honest here. I met this boy who had them the other night, and he was beautiful. Maybe it was because I was high that night too, on speed, but I want to be beautiful too. My friends have been very supportive in general, but just not on this one issue.
- I have been smoking a lot these days, especially when I'm drunk. I started smoking again, until last weekend I chain smoked a whole pack in one evening, then I didn't smoke any more this entire week. I feel rather ambivalent towards it.
- Two of my good friends are dating each other. One of them is my best friend actually. I'm happy for them, but at the same time I wish I had someone too. Just the idea of having someone. Going on dates with them, having sex with someone you 'love', watching movies together in bed. My friends say I need to just enjoy being single for a while, and in many ways I have liked the change. But I haven't liked everything.
I guess that wasn't really a list. But that's my weekend in a nutshell.