Uh, I was going to write a dramatic journal about some shit, but I've decided now that I don't have the energy, so I'll just dryly describe what's happened since last time.
Uh, I had a swim meet yesterday. I did okay, I guess.
Not much interesting.
But, after I got home, a lot of interesting things happened.
See, in English class we've just started to read The Lord of the Flies, and after we were done with the book for the day yesterday, I had a bag with me to put my swim stuff and other random shit in, and so rather than putting the book back into my backpack, I just put it in the bag with the swim stuff.
Then we had the swim meet later in the day, and at the end I put my wet towel back in the bag, forgetting the book was in there.
And after we got home, I started playing the piano, cause my mom after she brought me home had to leave in just a minute for a soccer game, and my dad was gone. And then my mom calls me off the piano, and then she starts cussing me the fuck out, and yelling at me, and hitting me, because I left this book in my swim bag with a damp towel.
This has been a bone of contention between us for some time, usually I'd take books to swim practice with my swim backpack, and I'd put my wet towel in there, and it happened like 5000 times, and my mom got really pissed off, she said it's bad for the books.
I don't know why she never seems to bother checking the books and noticing that they're just fine, but why must rules be based on reality, I guess?
And this time was a little different because it wasn't my swim backpack, it was was just my random shit bag that I forgot the book was in there.
But she cusses me the fuck out and leaves.
And so then when she's gone I have a bit of an uncharacteristic moment.
I'm here lying on the couch, and then all of a sudden I just get royally pissed off. I start throwing stuff around, beating shit up, breaking things, because I'm so pissed off.
I'm pretty mad at her for being so pissed about something that just seems to her is a bad idea, even though it isn't actually bad for anything, but more than that I'm pissed at myself, for a few hours I literally hate myself, I don't know how many times I've left a book with a wet towel, so many fucking times, and it's so fucking stupid to get her so mad at me.
I mean, I've been pretty pissed at myself for a while for being so pathetic in various ways.
But last night, ugh. My first inclination was I wanted to go get a knife and slit my wrists.
Luckily I still had the sense to instantly discard that idea.
So, long story short, I get drunker than shit, attempt and half fail to cut myself with a dull kitchen knife, then I blackout in my room :P
When I woke up at past midnight, I realized with some horror that I didn't remember how I got up to my room, although I did have some recollection of all the previous events, I didn't remember flopping out on my bed and passing out, like at all. It's weird to have gaps in your memory.
And my toothbrush, it somehow ended up under my bed, maybe I was going to brush my teeth and then lay down in bed and dropped it?
And so, reason returned with awareness, and I immediately set about remedying the situation, by drinking a ton of water to blunt the inevitable hangover in the morning (that really works, hangovers are largely based on dehydration), and then made 2 resolutions.
1. Never, ever try to cut again. Not an option. So fucking stupid, and it don't make me feel better about myself.
and 2. Never, ever drink that much at one time again (well, for a few years, at any rate), and don't drink at all for a while until I learn to be more responsible.
So, today, uh, not much, I guess. Had lunch with a hot guy I previously didn't know that well, from the swim team, pretty cool :P
I would complain more about my feelings and how broken I feel, and how I wish I could just start hitting on CAG, but I think we've all heard it before.
So, g'night guys, hopefully I'll have something better than this tomorrow :P