The Honeymoon is Over

not_a_tweaker's picture

So, about two months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the doctor prescribed me a new medication (on top of my other one) called Risperdal, an antipsychotic. It works great. I was happy to not be staying up until 3 am and thinking birds and inanimate objects were plotting against me and obsessively trying to prove that the "dx" at the end of an integral is the same thing as zero. But, contrary to the opinion of my therapist and psychiatrist, I'm done with the new meds now.

I'm done with them because I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be among the ranks of "the mentally ill". I told my therapist that I didn't want to be on the meds anymore, and she told me that I've been more "mindful" since I got on them, and that it looks like they're helping me. Thats not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to say, "Yeah, looks like you're fine, go ahead and ask the psychiatrist if you can get off of them." And who does the psychiatrist (a very sweet lady) think she is?? She meets with me once, decides I'm having a manic episode, and sticks me on these things! I wonder what life is like off medication. I haven't been there in two years, and it was hell before, but I wonder if it would be hell now? But I can't risk it. Winter quarter I'll be taking chem 2B, which apparently kicks your ass, and I can't be depressed or bat shit during that.

Another thing that bugs me about all of this is that my parents have no idea that I got that diagnosis in the first place. Because I'm living out of the house and am on my own insurance, they didn't get to see any of my symptoms, so if I told them I was bipolar, they wouldn't believe me. The other day, my dad was getting on my case about stopping taking the thing I take for the depression half, called Lamictal, because he thinks I can tough it out and make myself better. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm taking another thing, let alone that its an antipsychotic. I have no idea what he'd do. Its as scary as coming out as gay or trans (I've yet to come out as trans to him also) because there is such a potential for parental disillusionment that is similar to that brought on by an LGBT coming out. Hopefully I can talk my doctor into letting me stop the Risperdal, and maybe the Lamictal.

Comments

PokemonGeek's picture

Stopping your meds is a VERY

Stopping your meds is a VERY bad idea! Trust me. If you stop the paranoia will come back and may even be worse that before! I have major depression and also once wished I could be normal and not take meds but eventually I accepted the truth which is what YOU need to do. If the meds stop the symptoms that bothered you so much, why would you want to go back to that? My dad and aunt also want to have me stop taking my meds, more so my dad than my aunt. She wants them decreased in dosage but I know and my professional team knows that doing so would lead me down a path of destruction. I know living with any diagnosis is hard but you will never be truly happy until you accept it as a part of your life like being gay. I NEVER think of myself as "mentally ill." I like to think that I have "mental health issues" which I think sounds less negative and I live a relatively normal life. I rent an apartment where I live by myself, go to a group with others who have a mental health diagnosis three times a week, see my therapist once a week, and take martial arts lessons. I also am diagnosised with Asperger's disorder which is a mild form of autism and I can do so much for myself that many never thought I could do before. YOU are the biggest obstacle in your life if you do not simply accept what you have and learn to live WITH it rather than deal with it if that makes sense. Trust me. I know what I'm saying. I have been depressed since I was 12. I hope you consider taking my words to heart and learn to see it as part of who you are.

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love
I'm open and ready
~Madonna

not_a_tweaker's picture

A part of me knows you're right

In fact, you're absolutely right. I feel...stymied in a sense because of the parental pressure, and I think that is a big component of why I want to stop. Its kind of weird living a double life (again), if you know what I mean. I guess I'll have to reconcile that, or tell them. And get used to the fact that I have to take them.

socialist's picture

Towards the end,

you seemed like a motivational speaker. XD