My innocence is breaking. That feeling of young love and bursting feeling is disintegrating into memories where people find it later in their lives wondering what had happened.
I have found myself telling my brain to stop. Stop loving so much. Stop feeling hurt. Stop feeling sad. Stop wondering why. Stop wishing it was the same. Changing myself. Because saying "I miss you" too much makes her sad, not because she misses me back but because she feels bad that it's making me sad. Stop being horny so much. It is only annoying and you only get disappointed because I'm actually a piece of shit. Stop looking at her like that, she doesn't look at you. Stop texting. Stop asking "will you call me" because there isn't time for things like that. Stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking because she is not thinking about you. Most importantly stop crying. New years resolution: stop crying. Don't cry. "Please don't cry" not the way you say it to someone you love but to someone who does it too much because you're only annoyed every time you see tears coming down their face. "Please stop crying..." annoyed. I'm sorry I have to cry the night before the person I am in love with has to leave and I don't know the next time I'll get to see you because I have a full time job and you don't have money or time to come home. I am in disbelief that she even said that to me the night before she left. I don't even cry that much anymore or in front of her anyway. Please stop crying. Please stop crying. I think about it each time I feel like hating myself because why should I care as much to cry when I am not getting the same feelings in return. And I start telling myself "please stop caring" "please stop loving" "please stop hurting" it hurts too much.
I only cried the night she left and the next morning. She didn't stay with me. Because I told her she should do what she wants and do what makes her happy and be with her friends because that's what makes her happy and she never gets to see her. And I really did want her to do that because then I would feel less guilty in making her do something she doesn't want to do. But I am not bitter about the last night. She only does things so it doesn't make me sad. Why don't you do something that makes you happy since it doesn't involve me and forget I have feelings. I'd rather be ignored than pitied. I'd rather be ignored than pitied. She is not cruel though. She loves me and never means to hurt me. People work differently and have different feelings and do different things and I am just sensitive and ridiculous and feel to much and think too much and love too much. I wish I didn't have to love. My life would be so much better because I could be like before and hate everyone and be my own best friend and never worry about getting hurt about stupid things like calling me every once in a while and feeling important enough to receive a phone call from someone you love just because it's nice to hear their voice and hear them say "i love you" and talk about unimportant things. But she just doesn't have those feelings like I do. Not anymore. She is trying to get better. When she does who knows if she'll even love me though.
I need a healthy outlet for my feelings because my energy used to be focused on loving and now days I don't do that.
I have to say I feel a little better.