Looking back on my second-year Queer Writing course, I really really want to smack my past self upside the head for so easily dismissing the issues and frustrations brought up by the openly genderqueer person in that class. it was super-hipocritical of me to hang around outside of class with my then-flatmate and our professor and bitch about them (especially considering that I'd been privately identifying as androgynous for four years at that point).
Because you know what? That person was irritating as fuck, texted in class, derailed discussions, and was not always super socially aware. but that had nothing the fuck all to do with their desire and right to wear a dress and be refered to with male pronouns or any other sort of expression that their gender took. I've actually had this conversation with my professor who is now a good friend and basically my life mentor, and we both agree that that person had a lot of things to say that were probably not given the discourse they deserved in that class. I've not run in to them again, but I know our prof had discussions with them after the course was over that opened her eyes to a lot. So that's something.
Anyway. so yesterday I was talking to my mum about getting a breast reduction, basically asking her what to tell the doctor so that it'd be covered under healthcare. Because i can't go i there and be like 'hey can you make these things tiny because I would prefere people not see them and also disphoria is not super-fun'. So I wanted to know what sorts of reasons my mum gave the doc when she got hers done (i.e. backpain, inconvenience, shoulder pain, etc) none of which I experience. And at oen point I was like "Well I'd be pretty happy if they just weren't there at al except *maybe* a tiny bit when I feel like wearing a dress, but even then..." And she said something like "Well they're always going to give shape to your clothes..." And I just let the conversation die. And then a few minutes later we were talking about hair, and i mentioned that one of the reasons I cut my hair was that hip-length hair is a clear "woman" marker, where as shoulder length is "femme", but not necissarily "woman". She totally didn't get it, but I'm pretty sure that was also not the most precise way I could've put it. Having these sort of conversations when people don't have the theoredical background is hard, you guys. I don't know why I couldn't just come out and say 'my ideal body would be the kind of male body that sometimes gets mistaken for female" or "You know how I'm mentally androgynous? I'd like to look a bit more physically so as well"... But I've always been pretty terrible at talking things out. There's a reason I'm a writer, and a reason that the best discussions I have with my mother happen when we've both had a couple drinks. *sigh*
At least she said she'd show me all the resistance excersises she does to build shoulder and arm definition.
Sorry. I don't really know what the point of writing this all out was, other than gender seems to be a constant low-level presence at the back of my head all the fucking time lately.
Relatedly: dear self: there is a point where 'write what you know' turns into 'stop projecting all over your characters, ffs'.