acknowledging my own hipocracy + failing at coming out

thoughtgoddess's picture

Looking back on my second-year Queer Writing course, I really really want to smack my past self upside the head for so easily dismissing the issues and frustrations brought up by the openly genderqueer person in that class. it was super-hipocritical of me to hang around outside of class with my then-flatmate and our professor and bitch about them (especially considering that I'd been privately identifying as androgynous for four years at that point).

Because you know what? That person was irritating as fuck, texted in class, derailed discussions, and was not always super socially aware. but that had nothing the fuck all to do with their desire and right to wear a dress and be refered to with male pronouns or any other sort of expression that their gender took. I've actually had this conversation with my professor who is now a good friend and basically my life mentor, and we both agree that that person had a lot of things to say that were probably not given the discourse they deserved in that class. I've not run in to them again, but I know our prof had discussions with them after the course was over that opened her eyes to a lot. So that's something.

Anyway. so yesterday I was talking to my mum about getting a breast reduction, basically asking her what to tell the doctor so that it'd be covered under healthcare. Because i can't go i there and be like 'hey can you make these things tiny because I would prefere people not see them and also disphoria is not super-fun'. So I wanted to know what sorts of reasons my mum gave the doc when she got hers done (i.e. backpain, inconvenience, shoulder pain, etc) none of which I experience. And at oen point I was like "Well I'd be pretty happy if they just weren't there at al except *maybe* a tiny bit when I feel like wearing a dress, but even then..." And she said something like "Well they're always going to give shape to your clothes..." And I just let the conversation die. And then a few minutes later we were talking about hair, and i mentioned that one of the reasons I cut my hair was that hip-length hair is a clear "woman" marker, where as shoulder length is "femme", but not necissarily "woman". She totally didn't get it, but I'm pretty sure that was also not the most precise way I could've put it. Having these sort of conversations when people don't have the theoredical background is hard, you guys. I don't know why I couldn't just come out and say 'my ideal body would be the kind of male body that sometimes gets mistaken for female" or "You know how I'm mentally androgynous? I'd like to look a bit more physically so as well"... But I've always been pretty terrible at talking things out. There's a reason I'm a writer, and a reason that the best discussions I have with my mother happen when we've both had a couple drinks. *sigh*
At least she said she'd show me all the resistance excersises she does to build shoulder and arm definition.
Sorry. I don't really know what the point of writing this all out was, other than gender seems to be a constant low-level presence at the back of my head all the fucking time lately.

Relatedly: dear self: there is a point where 'write what you know' turns into 'stop projecting all over your characters, ffs'.


HELEN-_-'s picture

thee were a Lot of big words

thee were a Lot of big words in that story. and i didn't undertsnad most of them but i think i got the main,idea. haha just one question. why do u feel like your boons need to be smaller? and i agree with u about the hair length, i used to have it down to my back in 6th grade then in 7th i got it a lil longer then my shoulders and i look so much better!
-Helen was here :P love u :)
love is my only drug <3

Lehcure's picture

You know your statements in

You know your statements in quotes that you don't know why you can't come out and say? Well, I think they'd sound pretty clear out loud. I'm not sure that gender would be fun to have in the back of your head all the time, so I hope someday you can just feel like you, screw gender. Easier said than done, I know.

thoughtgoddess's picture

Just looking at them they do

Just looking at them they do seem like they should be easy enough to say and for someone to understand. *ssigh* One day I will look back on this and it will seem silly that I was ever making such a big deal out of it. ...hopefully. :D