We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me. She still wants to live with me next year for school with some of our friends. That's a good sign. She isn't sure of anything in her life right now but she still loves me.
I feel better I guess. I'm trying to accept everything. At least there is less uncertainty. My stomach hurts sometimes because I can't eat. I'm eating less and less than I usually do. I'm living off of tea, mountain dew, energy drinks, juice. Nutrients. Stomach sometimes feels like I'm sucking it in when I'm not. Heart is aching. My arm is aching too. Haven't been getting a lot of sleep. Not sure how I've been functioning but I have been. I've been forgetting things a lot lately. Slipping my mind. I start becoming this zombie and I begin to feel crazy. Up and down. High energy, exhaustion. Clarity, depression. Keep the thought in the back of my mind that I will be ok. Things are happening and getting in motion. She loves me for now. Please, stop crying. No more crying.