I found out last night from tumblr that my girlfriend is having doubts in our relationship from an anonymous question she asked a blog. I never go on there. I have only been on there the last couple days. She thinks I never use it. I usually don't. But I saw it.
What do you do when you find out the one person you are deep in love with in the world has doubts about your relationship? You cry. There goes my new years resolution. Yesterday when I wrote my first journal entry in awhile I cried and I said that's it. And I put the roll of tissue back in the bathroom. When I saw her question I ran to my room and reread it. And reread it. And reread it. And thought about it. And ran to the bathroom and grabbed the roll of tissue into my room because I knew what was coming. A flood.
She's not the same anymore and I don't blame her. But breaking up would only make it worse. I am always here. She still loves me. But how could it be better without me? How can anything be better? Doubts. Doubts might not be a lot but it is to me. And I spent the night crying because how could this be happening even though in the deep part of my mind I knew it was possible. We talked a little but I won't tell her I saw it. She wants me to visit her and needs me so I guess that's something. She still wants to be with me for now. After all doubts does not lead to wanting to break up. It's just re-evaluating. I don't know.
I cried when I woke up. I woke up too early. I couldn't fall back asleep and I remembered everything. And I cried my stupid face off and it made me have to puke because I don't think I've ever cried that hard because everything used to be ok. I think I thought or wished it was a dream because I've had dreams of breaking up before and I woke up and cried and she held me and said it was ok. But she's not here now and I know it wasn't a dream and it's not ok. I wish I could've stayed asleep. I was passed out. No dreaming. No thoughts. Nothing. How can I wake up every day knowing this could happen? How can I sleep? I can't sleep knowing she could do it.
I'm going to visit her next week I think. Going to rearrange my schedule and everything. She seems ok but I know she's still depressed but she needs me and maybe if I'm there she will realize how much she loves me. Fuck. I dont' know what I will do if things don't work out. I can be ok but how am I supposed to work? How am I supposed to wake up each morning in the bed we slept in and made love in and played in and did everything in and feel ok? How can I wake up knowing everything has changed and my life has changed? I try to tell myself to stop thinking about it because it hasn't happened and it might not happen at all because she loves me so much and I love her and our lives are so intertwined that I can't imagine them being apart, but I can't help it because my brain is trying to go into self defense mode. It's trying to prepare myself for the worst thing that has happened to me yet. My brain. It knows I'll be ok. I know this is one thing in my life that will pass. But it doesn't make me feel any better because I have to feel it. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up 6 months later. God, please.
I almost started crying at work. I almost started crying on the ride home. If I had my own car and I could drive I would turn the radio on and cry my stupid face off the whole way home. If this thing happens, I don't know what will happen to me. I'm scared.