I'm really confused and would greatly appreciate help.

Meow's picture

Hi! Firstly, I'm new to this. I'm 17, female.
Starting off, I am questioning my sexuality, as the you may have guessed from the topic.
Around two years back I first confronted myself with the question, wanting to be honest with myself. Of course there was a girl that I think I liked, that made me start questioning. What followed was complete confusion for a really long time, with me questioning every move I made. I related everything to the issue, even 'testing myself' by which I mean asking myself whether I was attracted to anyone, girl or boy, on TV or anywhere. It was quite a bad patch and it sort of just went off, what with a new class and the pressure of studies. Mostly though, I think I just got over the girl.
Now, I'm back in the same situation. There is a girl and a boy that I like. I have told four people, including both of them, and they took it well, but I haven't told them that I like them. Things have actually gotten a bit better. I have sort of accepted the idea that I may be bisexual. Or atleast I am trying to.

So now for my real question. Yesterday, I just sent her a message, asking her how she was, since it had been a while. She called up, instead of answering, and as soon as I saw her name on the phone calling I freaked out. I mean, I answered the phone, and my heart was beating fast, and I started feeling very hot, and I was just freaking out, thinking 'oh my god she has called to ask what's up, what should I say, this is awkward I don't know how to have these conversations!' and she told me she couldn't reply by message which is why she called, and I guess she could sense that I was feeling off so she just asked me a course related question, which I very relievedly answered. I was very relieved that she didn't want to talk, since I am sort of awkward at those sort of conversations.
This has never happened with her before, and not with the guy either.

But the reaction I had, to the call, somehow, I now feel like I'm in denial. Am I in denial about my feelings? Am I really gay, just making up my feelings for the guy in order to be bisexual, as a sort of 'compromise'?
I feel like I like the guy, but I don't have that 'heart beating fast, start feeling hot' sort of thing that always happens in books and stuff.
And also, yesterday after the 'episode', I said to myself, 'so what if I'm gay. I'm not bothered by what other people say. I'll make it work.' But it still felt like, a dead end.
Any thoughts? Anyone going through the same thing? Am I in denial? What should I do????

Doctor Beastly's picture

Unknown through all the details

Hello terriblyconfused,

I wonder what books and stuff you may be referring to for your gague of feeling. Just curious to know if the books may be good reads to get into. Reading through your experience on the phone, were you not expecting your friend to respone? I ask because your feelings are your own to take away from. As for your feelings for the boy, it may depend how you connect your desires to the level of reaction you have with people. I am comfortable with people I feel affection towards at times, but this may be due to where I am as a friend with these people. Welcome to the journey called wonder. I do not call it love beacuse you journey may not take a route through love each time. Just know this, life does not reflect solely on the points you fix moment by moment. They are materials to be woven into the time you spend.

Meow's picture

She took a while to respond,

She took a while to respond, and So I was not expecting a response *right then*. Its like the feeling shifts from day to day... Like I like two people at the same time, but in different ways, so I feel like I don't really like them... I just don't want to be that person who is suppressing everything inside. Does it seem like I am?
Even now, she texted asking what was up, and I was fine until I said I'm looking up some stuff expecting her to know what I'm talking about and I had a panic attack. I don't know why.
I like that quote in your last line:

"Life does not reflect solely on the points you fix moment by moment. They are materials to be woven into the time you spend."

MacAvity's picture

Hey.

This sounds like a perfectly normal figuring-everything-out. You're confused, which probably means you're not in denial - you're looking for the truth about your sexuality, and just haven't found it yet. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi, maybe something else entirely; as long as you're okay with being any of those things, I don't see that you have any problem.

Welcome to Oasis, by the way. Keep writing, it helps, and we're all here to listen.

Meow's picture

Thank you for the warm

Thank you for the warm welcome!
I realise I forgot to mention to Doctor Beastly about the books. The books that I am talking about are the normal teen stuff, I mean nothing specific to the topic. Just like Princess Diaries and all.
I also feel that even though I am not really bothered by what other people may say about it, it sort of bothers me personally sometimes. And it has been a long time that I have been in this position. Does it get better?

Doctor Beastly's picture

That is what you will have to work towards

It may be tough sometimes not to take others' opinions as views and not "close to the truth," but if you were able to feel better before, I believe you will be able to feel better again. At times you may talk about subjects with your friend she may have already had some thought about with concern to you. Does not mean she knows if any of it is true or not. However, you may find you can talk to her about it and she will be open to talking more than you thought. Yet do not feel rushed, for time may travel on but every moment may not be the moment to take. You may want to have a handle on all the details even the smallest of them all. This could prove to keep what you desire to know beyond your grasp. You do not need to know all the steps you will take in life, but if you can see how the big picture unfolds it will help deal with the smaller details.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Labels are for soup cans, not for people.

I'd say stop trying to label yourself at every turn, and just let your feelings flow. If you like aguy, you like a guy. If you like a girl, you like a girl! Simple as that. Just calm down and enjoy your life and everything should end up clear.
-
That's redick!

Meow's picture

Hope I can take your advice

Really hope it gets better ! Will try to calm down.