(immature rant)

angel syndrome's picture

Emotional and poorly structured, I apologize in advance.

Every guy who could have had something with me, and didn't, ends up regretting it. Every guy who has had something with me also ends up regretting it.

I think I just build people up to expectations about me, and once they find out I'm merely human, despite the way I see things and act, they're disappointed.

My life isn't an episode of Skins, my insecurity is not romantic, I don't live in a photograph, sometimes my walls come down, sometimes my art sucks. I'm not an idea, I'm not a revolution, I'm not just a body, I'm not just a soul - I'm a human being. I'm not an easy person, and if I can't even change myself, don't come expecting me to change your life.

And normally I don't care about this because most men don't matter to me and they just pass through my life, but there is one boy that I wish didn't regret being with me and knowing who I am.

I wish that someone who shared a whole year of their life with me wouldn't just run out because shit got hard, and because I said what was on my mind, and it wasn't pretty.

I wish that when I said "I need someone to be here for me tonight and I don't give a shit about afterwards" you wouldn't have thrown 40$ at me and told me to call a cab while I'm crying my eyes out and I've just told you things I had never told anyone.

This whole charade just made me feel worse, because, once again, all I can ever represent to someone is a concept, an idea.

Comments

elph's picture

Separating fact from metaphor...

...is a challenge (intentionally so?)!

But... no one can doubt your inner turmoil.

Lack of specifics requires much reading between the lines and translation of metaphor! This exercise for the reader is fraught with the danger of drawing erroneous histories.

What the reader can glean, however, is that you have been deeply hurt... emotionally (tears being a reliable indicator).

****

Please desist with assigning blame... But a truly clear text would be of value to all... especially for you!

I wish it were possible to convey how fervently I wish that you'll soon find contentment...

angel syndrome's picture

Once upon a time, I dated a

Once upon a time, I dated a very handsome boy for nearly a year. The relationship ended because I confessed how depressed I am, my suicidal thoughts, ect. I was thrown out of his house, told to "go fucking do it, then", shouted at, called ignorant. The end.

elph's picture

I feel something's missing...

Why was it necessary to confess your depression? You must have anticipated a reaction... but not the one you received?

If you're describing an actual event (you must acknowledge that it's not always easy to tell), you must have been quite young at the time (as you're still quite young by my standard!).

Is this response what you expected from me?

Whatever... I wish I had a happy wand to wave over your head!

angel syndrome's picture

"Why was it necessary to

"Why was it necessary to confess your depression?"

Any resource for depression, including the ones linked to on this website, will tell the person to tell someone. I want(ed) to get better.

"You must have anticipated a reaction... but not the one you received?"

I was hoping for support, not being thrown out like a common whore.

"If you're describing an actual event (you must acknowledge that it's not always easy to tell), you must have been quite young at the time (as you're still quite young by my standard!)."

I am describing a real event, this happened a few weeks ago, a bit before I posted my "for the record" journal. My ex and I had been drifting in and out of our relationship for a while, but we had just agreed that we'd be there for each other despite our various arguments. So much for that, I guess.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Depression isn't something that should require "confession," especially to someone from whom you'd expect support.

I don't think of you as a common whore.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

angel syndrome's picture

Confession was probably the

Confession was probably the wrong term - confide is better.

Thank you - I was referring to the way my ex treated me.

elph's picture

So... this begs the question...

What explanation do you have for his quite cruel and totally unsympathetic response?

To my mind... it "doesn't compute!"

angel syndrome's picture

His was that because I am

His was that because I am privileged, good-looking, intelligent, ect. I have no right to being depressed, even though I explained to him that my problem lies (generally) not with my self, but with the omnipresent, inauthentic culture we live in.

I would summarize it as fear on his part, but that's an opinion.