I need to tell her this. I'm writing about it so I won't forget or mess up what I'm going to say and fuck anything up. Read it, don't read it. Comment, don't comment. I really don't give a fuck. This is for my memory.
You wonder why I hesitate to trust you, why I have trouble believing you when you say you're there for me. Lately I've been questioning how strong our friendship really is. We only talk about 10 minutes a day in school, we exchange notes like once a month, and we text. That's all our friendship is, really. Whenever we make plans to do anything outside of school, some convenient excuse pops up. You're grounded, your mom won't let you go, you're busy with something else, or you completely forget about me so you can hang out with Jessie. It just keeps happening and frankly it's annoying as fuck because it's happened so many times. I've oftentimes wondered if you're doing it on purpose.
But it's more than that. You've let me down a lot. If you're feeling hurt or depressed, I drop everything and make sure you're okay. That night you told me you wanted to kill yourself, I worried myself sick. I thought about calling your mom, I thought about the worst possible outcome, I thought about driving to your house even though I have no idea where it is. But hell, I would have driven all night until I'd found it. Would you have done the same for me? Would you drop everything and do everything in your power to make sure I'm okay? Maybe. Maybe not.
This whole emotional state I'm in right now. When I texted you and told you I was alone and scared, you didn't really comfort me. Just a few generic responses. No phone calls or texts throughout the whole weekend to check and make sure I was okay. You probably did it to avoid being lashed out at by me, but when a close friend is in pain you just take whatever they throw at you. I did that for you last year. You didn't even look at me, didn't even ackowledge my existence for weeks. You were incredibly rude towards me and I took it. I waited patiently for you to get over it. If I brushed you off like that, would you take it like I did, or would you give up on me? Try to be honest with your answer.
I know exactly why you choose to be my friend. Because I'm safe. You can treat me however you want, you can say anything, and you can take comfort in knowing that I will sit there and take it and stay by your side. That's why I'm your friend. It's not really one big mistreatment; it's a culmination of all the little things. Every week I've waited for a note from you, every time you've failed to follow through on your promise to spend extra time with me, every time you don't reach out to me, every time I push my own problems aside to help you with yours--it all adds up.
Sometimes I feel taken advantage of. Like I do everything in my power to be a good friend to you but I don't get that same thing in exchange. Like I'm not really a priority to you, I'm just someone you can talk to. Like I said, I'm your comfort zone. You surround yourself with people who hurt you, you involve yourself in situations and relationships that cause you stress, and I'm the ONE person that you can come running to. I know that this is the role I play, and until frequently, I was content to play it well.
This is why I hesitate to believe you when you say you're always going to be there for me. Because you're not always there for me. You let me down in the tiniest ways and you do it a lot. The loads of extra time I wait for a note from you might not mean much to you. Or the fact that we've never once done anything together outside of school in our two years of friendship. That might not bother you either. But it matters to me. I need more from you. I need more attention, more respect, more compassion.
I'm still your friend. I always will be, I think. I don't always know why, but I am. Believe it or not, you're my comfort zone too. I just feel very, very comfortable around you for some reason. Please try to see where I'm coming from, try to understand. I just sometimes feel as though I can be pushed aside until you need me for something. I don't want you to take me for granted anymore. You probably don't think you take me for granted, but it sure feels that way to me.