thank you genisis 1, for being so easy to write a commentary on :)

ferrets's picture

so, hopefully, this will offend you if you belive in the god of the bible. you know, i dont care if i offend reliogious peopel anymore. i really dont care, since no one who is christain cares about offending me ;D enjoy.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. (Well, he created the heavens and earth in the way he didn’t create them in the least) 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. (So it was formless and empty, EXCEPT for water, deep water in fact. You know, just that tiny thing that is the basis for all life on earth, and also extremely rare in the universe. But you know, that doesn’t even really count as matter, as far as god is concerned. In fact it counts as matte so little, it is empty. Also, the water really has to have something under it; the earth couldn’t just be a big ball of water floating about in space. So there had to be some kind of form, even if it was a tiny, rocky, messed up form. And it must have been kind of inconvenient, everything being dark. Maybe god had like a flood light with him?)

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Ok, so it turns out god doesn’t even need a flood light; he just talks and light is just there. That makes a ton of sense, because you know, he’s god after all, light needs to show some respect) 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. (ok, so god makes light, and he’s just like “oh well, that looks nice, I think I’ll keep that around” so he decides to separate it from the darkness. Because apparently for about twelve seconds while god tried to decide if light was cool or not, it was both light and dark, which leads me to wonder what that would look like. You know god, I want to see some light darkness. I don’t think it’s bloody fair you’re the only one who got to see it.)5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. (It’s weird how god spoke in English when he made the world, is it not? I think bibles should have god speaking as some language no one on earth knows, and then translate it beside the god words. Let me show you how to REALLY write your bible. “God called the light “hutyism”(day, translated into English from god language) and the darkness he called “bithnmseigh” (night, translated to English from god language). And there was evening. And there was morning-the first day.” Isn’t it also weird how god didn’t like name morning and evening, he was just like “yeah, day and night and all that other stuff in between,” and we all just assume that there was an evening and morning on that day.)

6 And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”(that seems like a really obscure way to say “we need some air up in here” and why is god like talking to himself anyway? He’s kind of like one of those mad scientists who mumble under their breath all the time I guess) 7 So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so.(“and it was so.” What a useless sentence, I mean like if they hadn’t written that in, we all would have assumed that the whole god-making-air thing was just a joke. Which it is of course, because you can’t make air when you don’t exist.) 8 God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day. (You know, god most likely got pissed off when they were writing this out. Like I can just imagine him “I didn’t make names for evening and morning! I just named day and night! You guys named evening and morning! I wanted you to write ‘and there was day and night-the second day.’ I’m working with amateurs here!” poor god. People jsut putting words into his mouth.)

9 And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. (Wow. They put in another “and it was so” you know, they really built the bible with fail safes for people who might be skeptical if these things really happened.) 10 God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good. (You know, it is weird, because it keeps saying “and god thought this was really, really good. But were there times when god made things that weren’t good? Like when he was adding in the plants, was he also like “and let half the water be lava” but then after a couple minutes he was look “oh, well that’s pretty awful, um, delete.” And god, just like decided to not add those things in so he would look more competent?)

11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. (I wish I could do that. Like just make plants grow wherever I want them to. I would like point to the lawns of people who I dislike and just be like “crabgrass. Crabgrass, crabgrass, crabgrass. Crabgrass EVERYWHERE.) 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. (Well, I mean its god making the earth, what else is the earth going to do, just be like “no, I will most certainly not allow those plants to grow all over me, god!) 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day. (You know, there just getting repetitive now. Like it’s not some big surprise anymore, we all knew that was coming. )

14 And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years,(wait, wait, wait, there have already been three days, and they seem to have gotten along fine with no ‘separation of day and night’) 15 and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. (Didn’t god already make light? Why does he need to make things that also produce light? Like just in case he forgets to provide life to the whole universe? Apparently god is bad at multi tasking.) 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. (Ok, so this is obviously the sun and the moon. But what an understatement of what the sun does. The sun is the catalyst for all life on earth, not just some giant ball that makes light. Not to say the light isn’t helpful too. And the moon, despite what the bible would have you believe doesn’t produce light; it just reflects the suns light. So really the verse should say “and god came forth from his non existence, and he made one giant light that you see during the day, and a giant mirror which you see at night.)17 God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, (and not to, you know, grow plants and make warmth and such. And for the moon, not to conduct tides at all, that isn’t important. Nope the moon, just sits up there and reflects the suns light. ) 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. (Oh, I get it! The sun and moon govern when day and night happens! So one day the moon is just going to go on strike and refuse to make night time happen until good give the moon a raise. And anyway, god already separated the light and the dark, but apparently it’s kind of like producing light, in the way that the planets are apparently just gods I-don’t-want-to-have-to-do-any-work creations.) 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day. (SUPRISE!)

20 And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” (you know what? Fish and birds are both pretty gross, so the fifth day is probably my least favourite.)21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. (gosh, wasn’t expecting that one. You know, I would respect god about six thousand percent more if just one verse was like “god made something, but it pretty much sucked, so he had to try again”) 22 God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”(I wonder why god had to bless the birds and fish. Like isn’t to fact that they were just thought into existence by god enough for them, they have to be blessed too?! Selfish bastards.) 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day. (you know, I wonder if when god was making like penguins, if he just couldn’t choose if he wanted it to be a bird or a fish, so he was just like “screw this, half and half!”)

24 And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. (Ok, just reread that. Now again. I bet you didn’t find the really odd thing about it, did you? “Let the land produce living creatures” so what, giant chasms just opened in the earth and spit out animals? What a disturbing image.) 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. (you know, on the fifth day, god made like birds and fish. On the sixth day, he made like terrestrial animals. Why didn’t he just get them all in one go? That seems easier. Maybe, birds and fish were practice for making other animals. Maybe that is why birds and fish suck at life so much. I mean have you ever looked at fish and birds? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were like a first try at making living creatures.)

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” (You know, what does he mean by “rule over” all the animals? I mean, if I run up to a tiger, and I’m like “god said I’m better then you, so go get me some lemonade” I’ll get my legs gnawed off before I finish my sentence. I can’t remember the last time a flock of fish made a platform for me to stand on so my feet wouldn’t get wet.)

27 So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them. (Maybe I didn’t want to be created in god’s image. Maybe I wanted to be created in Satan’s image. He was the most beautiful angel after all. Maybe I want to be created in Richard Dawkins image! He’s pretty much the best person ever.)
28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”(Well we definitely took that one to heart. There is nothing that says ‘subdue the earth’ then looking at a picture of New York City.)

29 Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.(unless you live in a place where plants don’t grow, but in that case you can just choke on your non food because god clearly doesn’t think very much of you.) 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. (Ok, we get it! Everything belongs to us humans. Isn’t that convenient when we get given everything in the world by the divine sky person that we made up in the first place! I mean that is so HUMAN, to give yourself everything you want by making up a fake all powerful thing that gives you everything that you want!)
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day. (Well. At least they stick to their guns, eh?)

Comments

MacAvity's picture

Hmm...

I actually kind of like this part of Genesis. It's poetic - sort of. Sort of switches between poetic and almost clinical, sometimes. But to me this chapter shows God's character - how he can be at once completely, unknowably alien, and also intensely human. Maybe it's just because I'm more familiar with the adaptation that is pure poetry:

And God stepped out on space,
And He looked around and said,
"I'm lonely --
I'll make me a world."

And far as the eye of God could see
Darkness covered everything,
Blacker than a hundred midnights
Down in a cypress swamp.

Then God smiled,
And the light broke,
And the darkness rolled up on one side,
And the light stood shining on the other,
And God said, "That's good!"

Then God reached out and took the light in His hands,
And God rolled the light around in His hands
Until He made the sun;
And He set that sun a-blazing in the heavens.
And the light that was left from making the sun
God gathered it up in a shining ball
And flung it against the darkness,
Spangling the night with the moon and stars.
Then down between
The darkness and the light
He hurled the world;
And God said, "That's good!"

Then God himself stepped down --
And the sun was on His right hand,
And the moon was on His left;
The stars were clustered about His head,
And the earth was under His feet.
And God walked, and where He trod
His footsteps hollowed the valleys out
And bulged the mountains up.

Then He stopped and looked and saw
That the earth was hot and barren.
So God stepped over to the edge of the world
And He spat out the seven seas;
He batted His eyes, and the lightnings flashed;
He clapped His hands, and the thunders rolled;
And the waters above the earth came down,
The cooling waters came down.

Then the green grass sprouted,
And the little red flowers blossomed,
The pine tree pointed his finger to the sky,
And the oak spread out his arms,
The lakes cuddled down in the hollows of the ground,
And the rivers ran down to the sea;
And God smiled again,
And the rainbow appeared,
And curled itself around His shoulder.

Then God raised His arm and He waved His hand
Over the sea and over the land,
And He said, "Bring forth! Bring forth!"
And quicker than God could drop His hand.
Fishes and fowls
And beasts and birds
Swam the rivers and the seas,
Roamed the forests and the woods,
And split the air with their wings.
And God said, "That's good!"

Then God walked around,
And God looked around
On all that He had made.
He looked at His sun,
And He looked at His moon,
And He looked at His little stars;
He looked on His world
With all its living things,
And God said, "I'm lonely still."

Then God sat down
On the side of a hill where He could think;
By a deep, wide river He sat down;
With His head in His hands,
God thought and thought,
Till He thought, "I'll make me a man!"

Up from the bed of the river
God scooped the clay;
And by the bank of the river
He kneeled Him down;
And there the great God Almighty
Who lit the sun and fixed it in the sky,
Who flung the stars to the most far corner of the night,
Who rounded the earth in the middle of His hand;
This Great God,
Like a mammy bending over her baby,
Kneeled down in the dust
Toiling over a lump of clay
Till He shaped it in His own image;

Then into it He blew the breath of life,
And man became a living soul.
Amen. Amen.

"The Creation," by James Weldon Johnson

Maybe not true, maybe not what actually happened six thousand or four billion or however many years ago, but... can you deny that it's beautiful?

ferrets's picture

while i dont deny...

that the bible has its nice and pretty parts, i find a much greater joy in the natural universe, all created without god, and still breath takingly, soul shakingly wonderous.

in fact, i think that the universe wasn't desighned makes it that much more extradionary. becuase, while the mona lisa is a very skillfull and great work of art, the grand cannon is a hundred times the beauty becuase it just happened without anyone having to try to make it.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Yamamoto's picture

You people need to quite

You people need to quite being offensive... I am sorry, but in my opintion you shouldn't offend if you don't want to be offended... :P So frankly your acting like a asshole ferrets...

elph's picture

Whew! An exhaustive refutation...

of its being consistent and logical. We (i.e., thinking individuals) already knew this!

But, pointing this out falls on deaf ears !

I'm perfectly fine with those holding religious beliefs... as long as this does not oblige them to hound me to change to theirs.

lonewolf678's picture

Dang,

well done Ferrets!

Yamamoto's picture

Sinice it is obvious that

Sinice it is obvious that such hate is approved on Oasis... trust me I will be posting quite a bit more about my own rage against my fellow homosexuals... or has I will now start to term... FAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

ferrets's picture

ok...

sure. do what you want. but as i said in the first sentence, this will offend you. just give the same curtesy on your journals the may offend me. i think people should be able to write offensive stuff, they should just warn those that may take the offense. so yeah, right about how you hate gay people, as much as you like. just put a disclaimer infront of it like i did.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Yamamoto's picture

Actually Ferrets... I will

Actually Ferrets... I will do that... But I am going to take the high road and I am going to make sure that you get an even better curtesy, because frankly even the way you worded your first sentance as a insult, and didn't use a actual non insulting disclamer... so in mine I will do one better and use a disclamer... so frankly, right at about this point you are just as low as the Christians who you claim to hate... you have let them drag you down into there muck that they stu in every day when they think up ways to insult gay people, but hey... your the one with so much hate in your heart... so by all means... keep acting like them, hell your so good at hate you could be called one of them :P

elph's picture

Friendly advice

You are currently perched at the precipice; it's your decision whether you choose to back away...

FYI: Oasis is not a place to fling personal ad hominem.

Continued membership is quite permissive, but civil discourse is expected from all!

Ferrets made no personal attack. However, you have: "...you are just as low as the Christians who you claim to hate..."

In addition, you've added your own (negative) comment wrt Christianity: "...you have let them drag you down into there (sic) muck that they stu (sic) in every day when they think up ways to insult gay people..."

lonewolf678's picture

Shit man,

you're taking this worse than I would have one year ago.