It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.
I guess I feel crazy again a little. I'm crazy because I have all this passion and feeling and I have no direction for it. That's how I felt before. And then I had a girlfriend and that's what I directed it to and it was great for a long time and we are still together but it's different because I can't direct that feeling there. I'm at a point where I am giving all I have and feeling like I always did with love bursting my heart, and I am not getting barely anything in return. It is no ones fault because sometimes things like this happen. Things change and it isn't like before.
I think before I thought loving someone and not having them know and being close was the hardest thing in the world and it fucked me up until I fixed it. But now I know it's loving someone and not feeling loved back and you don't know why. I know I am loved. But knowing and feeling are two different things. And I know that loving someone and being in love is different. And there's a scary idea in my head that I hover around that says I am in love and she is loving. She is loving but she is not in love. But I can't assume that because she is not well. I am trying to be good. I am trying to be ok. I am trying to be understanding and I do understand. She is different because of this thing that has happened and it will take time to adjust and become herself again because she is not herself.
It sucks because I haven't changed. I am still as in love as 2 years ago. I look at her and my heart melts and I feel butterflies in my stomach. We used to lay together and look at each other and I could see glowing in her eyes and it was beautiful. I don't think she looks at me like that anymore. I know she loves me and she says she does but I believe her capability to feel like before is impossible until she is whole again. I just wish I could be the one to make her feel whole.