Wow, time has passed!

the_loser's picture

It's been over a year since my last post! Things change a lot. It is really unbelievable. I need a place to express feelings inside of me where no one can see them. I miss this place. I used to write all the time cause I felt crazy and it helped.

I guess I feel crazy again a little. I'm crazy because I have all this passion and feeling and I have no direction for it. That's how I felt before. And then I had a girlfriend and that's what I directed it to and it was great for a long time and we are still together but it's different because I can't direct that feeling there. I'm at a point where I am giving all I have and feeling like I always did with love bursting my heart, and I am not getting barely anything in return. It is no ones fault because sometimes things like this happen. Things change and it isn't like before.

I think before I thought loving someone and not having them know and being close was the hardest thing in the world and it fucked me up until I fixed it. But now I know it's loving someone and not feeling loved back and you don't know why. I know I am loved. But knowing and feeling are two different things. And I know that loving someone and being in love is different. And there's a scary idea in my head that I hover around that says I am in love and she is loving. She is loving but she is not in love. But I can't assume that because she is not well. I am trying to be good. I am trying to be ok. I am trying to be understanding and I do understand. She is different because of this thing that has happened and it will take time to adjust and become herself again because she is not herself.

It sucks because I haven't changed. I am still as in love as 2 years ago. I look at her and my heart melts and I feel butterflies in my stomach. We used to lay together and look at each other and I could see glowing in her eyes and it was beautiful. I don't think she looks at me like that anymore. I know she loves me and she says she does but I believe her capability to feel like before is impossible until she is whole again. I just wish I could be the one to make her feel whole.

Comments

Lehcure's picture

Wow, I could have related to

Wow, I could have related to this entirely. First of all, it is fabulous that you're in love, period. You mentioned something happened, and she isn't herself..I hope she finds herself once again. I know everyone is different, but it sounds like this is something she is going to have to work through And I'm sure she is grateful for your support. Hang in there!

the_loser's picture

Thank you, I hope so too.

Thank you, I hope so too. She knows she is the only one who can do it and that I am here for her. She is grateful. Thanks, I'm trying. God, I'm trying.