Preparation of the body and mind for the ritual is of upmost importance. Begin by removing any unwanted body hair, either by using a razor or strips of wax. This minor mutilation lets others know you are part of the cult. Proceed to take a warm shower, taking great care to ensure the purity of your physical self. Once your skin is smooth and clean, apply various pigments to re-arrange your facial features, defining the jawbone and the cheekbones, making the nose thinner. Ensure, as well, that your teeth are clean, and, more often than not, bleach them - purity always.
Once you look as child-like and virginal as possible (the members of the cult value youth over all), it is time to dress yourself to complete your character. Your attire is your first somewhat autonomous decision, but should reveal careful attention and should coordinate with your projected attitude.
During the preparation period, dream about the ritual ahead - you are to be conquered, treasured, fought for. Think of the delicate attentions you will pose to the other members, which will seem unintentional - perhaps your hand will brush against another, for instance. Maybe there will be a game of cat-and-mouse of the eyes. Mentally, prepare yourself for every scenario.
You arrive at the ritual's location, and despite so much attention on your self, identity is lost here. There is loud music and bodies, people are excited, communicating. But you sit alone or with an acquaintance, making idle talk. You have a drink, then another, then another. Some people come up to you, but they bore you.
It gets later and you have realized that you were not chosen to participate in tonight's seance. Perhaps you weren't good enough, or perhaps the others weren't - it comes down to the same. You are left with two possibilities - settle (or be settled for) or leave. You will not enjoy either option.
You choose to be dignified and lonely. You leave on your own, sleep on your own.
(A clarification - my journal is organized between semi-autobiographical creative writing which are marked with "☆==", and more honest clarifications and questions, which are within parentheses.
I wanted to know if you guys would be interested if I combined my more "poetic" posts with explanations about my word choice, events, or reasoning behind them? The way in which the majority of my posts are written are somewhat cryptic, and I think it could be more relatable.)