A Peek Into Our Lives...

INEEDANSWERS's picture

Ok. I am 24 years old and my husband is 26 (we are young... I know). We are raising our 14 year old Foster Daughter whom we JUST found out is Gay. The problem is: We are very religious people and are finding it difficult to address this whole Gay subject. My daughter doesn't really like taking advice from me, or talking to me about this subject because technically, I am too young to be her mother. I am only 10 years older than her. But we love her just as if she was our own daughter. She appreciates our love and dedication to her, but since her Therapist outed her as being Gay... we've been going at it. I am tired of walking on egg shells around her. I'm hurt, my husband is angry, and my daughter is frustrated. We all just want our home to go back to "normal"... but I fear it will never be how it used to be :(

We live a really good life. I own my own business, my husband has a great job, we have a lovely home, nice car... its a seemly GREAT life. I feel like we provide everything an underprivileged child could want - loving parents, nice big room, and she gets almost anything she wants! BUT ALL OF THIS SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. She has such a funky attitude about this whole Gay thing... aren't I the one that's supposed to be upset?? WHAT THE HELL IS SHE SO MAD ABOUT??? I know a lot of you wish you had loving and understanding parents... I just don't get this girl sometimes.

I sometimes fantasize about how "back to normal" our lives would be if she went to another home. But I don't want that for her. She deserves parents that will stick it out with her no matter what! But I feel like she is just pushing me away.... I don't know how much more of this I can take... I'm only human!

Comments

RainbowTime's picture

well

dont address the subject you said shes uncomfortable with it then your causing her pain and anger by address it you have to understand she is the same person shes all ways been but your been treating her differantly and acted differently because she was outed you have to understand that at is very frustrating and frustration leads to anger and irrational thinking.

if you want the house to go back to "normal" treat her the same way and dont bring up the subject, if she wants to talk about let her talk and you listen dont act like shes a different person ever

not good enough? if you keep brining up the subject of her being gay you giving thd illusion of not loving her which can lead to actions that she would not do normally

no, your not meant to be upset your meant to be supportive no matter what, out of all of you shes the only one that really should be upset she was outed before she wanted to come out that is VERY stressful, if you had a massive secret that could change how everyone shes you and you told me would you like it if i told people? NO and shes probably mad because the therapist outed her, you keep bringing up a subject she doesn't want to talk about and its giving a illusion of not caring

"back to normal" let her be who shes always has been now you could be closer if you stop bringing up the subject and let it come up only if she wants to talk about it, she still the same as shes always been

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

elph's picture

Just maybe...

Asking yourself these questions might help ease the way:

(1) Why did you accept this 14-year-old into your home as a foster child?

(2) Was it with the hope that you and your husband could provide her with the love and stable home environment that she so obviously needed?

(3) Or... just possibly... was she seen primarily as one to be indoctrinated in the ways of your God?

However you may answer... a "yes" to (2) is the only response that stands a ghost of a chance of success!

angel syndrome's picture

"She has such a funky

"She has such a funky attitude about this whole Gay thing... aren't I the one that's supposed to be upset??"
"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE SO MAD ABOUT???"

I'm guessing you didn't read the article I sent about heterosexual privilege.
Here it is, again :
http://sap.mit.edu/content/pdf/heterosexual_privilege.pdf

You want her to be happy that she's being born into a world where :
- Her sexuality is rarely represented in mainstream media.
- Her sexuality is constantly questioned.
- Her sexuality is seen as immoral or disgusting.
- Her sexuality is shunned by most religious institutions.
- She will fear disclosing her sexuality for her own safety.
- Her sexuality means that her gender role will be questioned.
- She will be grouped by her sexual orientation.
- She is asked to think about why she is gay.

Yet you have the audacity to think that you're the one who should be upset over this, as though this was some sort of personal attack on your lifestyle? It's not - it's who she is, how she was born.

You want things to go back to normal? Treat her as a human being, not someone who's diseased. End of story.

She's a teenager. When you're a teenager, it's the only time where you can question authority, morals, and institutions without real lasting consequence (for the most part). Teenagers can and will say "fuck you" to anything and everything, it's what teenagers do - and rightfully so. I pushed my (biological) parents away during my teenage years, I felt oppressed by society's perception of my sexuality and I was upset by how my parents, teachers, and classmates perceived homosexuality. She's upset and it's normal.

"I sometimes fantasize about how "back to normal" our lives would be if she went to another home."

What a great lesson that would teach her - because she's gay, she gets sent away, she's a problem. Please don't do this, for her sake.

I know I'm being aggressive in this comment - but if you're treating her as your child, if you want to be her parent, and if you want to support her, you've got to accept this anger as human and rise above it.

Tine's picture

Some suggestions

First of all nobody should be mad at each other. If anything you should be mad at that therapist who violated your foster daughter's hope. You should give her another therapist who will keep her secrets and confesions private. But you should also let her know that she can talk to you if she wants to. Say to her that you will always JUST LISTEN to her and ACKNOWLEDGE HER PROBLEMS NO MATTER WHAT.
Do not be pushy with this because she is very sensitive right now. Her trust was betrayed when her therapist outed her and told you her secret that she wasn't prepared to share. Talk to her really genuinely and loving eventhough you couldn't be her biological mother. Don't give here any advices because she probably thinks that you really don't know how it is to be gay which is well true. :)

Second thing I would like to adress here is that "normal" state that you wish to return to. You need to know that nothing has changed with your daughter. She was and always will be gay. She didn't choose this. It is something who she is. So maybe she didn't do anything.
You said that you are very religious person and you are having trouble accepting it because of your religion. Well yes in bible there are many passages that says homosexuality is a sin as well as other extreme passages like beating the disobeying child to death and stonning women who are not virgin on the wedding day to death and passages like not eating oysters because that is a mortal sin. Even some priests say that Sodoma and Gomora had not sinned because of their homosexual sex but because of their greed for everything. So they didn't make love. They were doing an adulterious act which is a sin. So why aren't we obeying them?
These passages were written by humans some even long after Jesus. They were written for that time perpuses. If there is anything to be certain that is timeless and true are ten commandments. They dont say anything about homosexuality and if that is wrong or not. They encourage you to love another human being and yourself no matter what. So live by them and you will truly accept your daughter. You will look above dogmas of bible and realise that it is not wrong to be gay because God made her that.

I strongly recommend you to watch a movie and read a book called Prayers for Bobby. It is about young gay who come out to his religious family and they are having hard time accepting it. I think you can relate to that subject.

INEEDANSWERS's picture

@Elph "(3) Or... just

@Elph "(3) Or... just possibly... was she seen primarily as one to be indoctrinated in the ways of your God?"

That question is ludicrous and waaay off the deep end! Why the hec would I want to get Foster Children, just to brainwash them into serving my God for??!! We are not some crazy psycho religious people who belong to a cult. We are CHRISTIANS!! We know what God says in His word the bible, and we are doing everything we can to uphold His standards... PERIOD! Whether our daughter wants to serve God and Jesus Christ is up to her... we never forced her into our religion. Ironically, she LOVES having bible study, attending meetings, and loves the family and friends she has gained in our congregation. Religion has never been and is not the problem. The problem is that she knows how God views homosexuality. We are all torn between

To answer your question "Why did we become her Foster Parents":
My husband and I don't have any children of our own. We have been trying for sooo long, but its just not working :( A friend of ours, who is also a Foster Parent, suggested we do Foster Care. We absolutely love being Foster Parents!! I think it is nothing more rewarding in this world than to give a loving and stable environment to a child who needs it.

~ A Concerned Parent

elph's picture

Great response...

But maybe just a tad overly indignant on the religious question! Huh?

So much effort in that regard... a bit incongruent with your introductory comments where you averred to the paramount importance of faith in your life.

So... we're back to God having "a view on homosexuality"...

How can this assertion ever be viewed as compatible with, "Religion has never been and is not the problem."?

(You are aware, I hope, that many churches exist where your foster daughter could experience a very welcoming Christian theology... ones that would disabuse her of the belief she presently holds saying that homosexuality is evil.)

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I think the issue remains that you don't know how to bring it up, when the real solution is... don't bring it up.

If she was ready to tell you, she would have. She didn't.

This is like if you had a time machine, went into the future, came back, and started counseling her about things you shouldn't know about yet.

So, if you keep bringing it up, she will keep reacting poorly.

If you just say "I don't want to keep having this discussion, just know that we love you no matter what, and if you ever want to talk about this, I'm here for you."

Anything beyond that, what's the point?

The thing you also have to remember, of course, is you don't just have a "lesbian" 14 y/o in your house. You have a 14 y/o! So, being disagreeable, moody, etc., etc., is also a part of adolescence. So, don't necessarily put everything in the lesbian bucket. A moody, unappreciative 14 year old girl who thinks everything she has isn't good enough and that her parents suck? That's most of them. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

INEEDANSWERS's picture

@Jeff Hahahaaa... you are

@Jeff Hahahaaa... you are absolutely right!! I was 14 only 10 years ago... so I know ALL TOO WELL the emotions that teens go through. Smh.. Thnx for the advice :D

~ A Concerned Parent