Frustrated.

MacAvity's picture

It doesn't feel stupid or wrong thinking about it, but writing it kind of does. I know doing any of it would. Tremendously. 'Cause that's not the character I've written myself into being.

Lying spooned around a girl with short fuzzy hair and a soft, round ass, careful not to move and wake her, my hand between her breasts and her earlobe touching my lips...

Snogging the guy from statistics class, or someone similarly attractive but even more a stranger....

Trying marijuana brownies.... (I include this more as 'something I'd be willing to do and that would be out-of-character for me' than as something I actually want to do.)

Dancing, if you can call it that, at some college party, wearing blue eyeshadow and a tight shirt open over a chest that nobody knows is only duct-taped flat....

All that, so completely not-me. Not what I do, not who I am. Lately I've been half wanting it anyway. And yeah, it doesn't feel right even to write it. Out of character. Can't break character, even though I created the character to begin with.

I like being the person I've made myself into, mostly. I just wish that he weren't so asexual. Don't know how to go about changing that. The last deliberate character rewrite I did took two years, even with a plan clearly in mind. Meanwhile everyone around me accumulates more and more experience, and I fall farther and farther behind.

Apparently - according to Leah, at least, and probably to Amy too since she said that Leah and I are Holmes and Watson respectively - I'm still perceived as 'logical' and 'analytical,' even though that's not the way I think. I wrote it into my character whenever-it-was and apparently it still shows even if it's not true. There was a time when I did try to give off Spockish vibes, and thought I was failing; now it seems I give them off even though I don't try and that's not part of who I am. And Leah and Amy met me after that stopped being part of who I was or was trying to be.
So many people I know are attracted to the Spockish characters in television, but apparently it doesn't work in real life. I'm not even trying and it doesn't work.
So who knows how much longer I'll be giving off asexual vibes - as much a part of 'Spockish' as logical is - now that I've started to drop that part of my character.

Submitting journal entry now before I decide not to because I'm already not feeling great about it and I know I'll be at least a little ashamed in the future. It's true right now, even if I don't like admitting it.

A day or two later: Yeah, that had the effect I thought it might. The temptation to delete it or at least edit it. It being less true than it was before I wrote it. Blah...