Him, me, and jesus makes three...

Ibleedaudio's picture

So I'm in a very tough situation right now and any advice I can get will be much appreciated. A couple months ago a coworker of mine invited me to his church. He's going to college studying for ministry and has an internship with this particular church. For his sake I'll call him Ryan (He's closeted and there's complicated circumstance). I'd been into Ryan for awhile and agreed to come along. I didn't expect to enjoy the church but I did and I became a regular member. I also became closer to Ryan in the process because we were both part of the worship band.

A month or two in I came out to Ryan and he seemed pretty accepting of me. I can't say my motives were completely pure at this point, I had had a crush on him for awhile and on some level I knew he was gay also. I had kinda hoped that coming out to him might lead into him doing the same. Well in a way I got my desired result because after we grew more as friends he told me that he had always been bi curious and had fooled around a little bit when he was younger. However unlike myself he viewed it as a struggle and considered it sinful. I would have been fine leaving it as a friendship and not causing him any problems but I couldn't have predicted what happened next.

Soon after he came out to me Ryan saying he loved me at the end of texts. Not in a "I'm in love with you" type of manner but instead a "Have a good night, love ya bud" sort of way. I responded eventually mentioning how I knew he "love me as a friend and that I knew how he had intended it". However he responded back "I never really cared how you took it because I meant it either way". This confused me even more because I wasn't sure where to go from here. I mean here I was with a closeted guy I was falling for who was dedicating his life to god but now hinted that he loved me. I pulled him aside after church that week just to talk and he told me that I had been on his mind alot lately and that he cared for me but just wasn't sure in what way because he had never been in love.
(As a reference point here, Ryan has never dated ANYONE boy or girl, never kissed ANYONE, and is 21 supposedly saving both his first kiss and sexual encounter for his future wife. I respected this and had never thought of putting the moves on him because I didn't want to ruin his plans.)

Well this is where it gets REALLY complicated...So mid January I randomly asked Ryan if he wanted to get something to eat after work, he told me he had plans but would love to hang out later that night. It starts snowing and I head home. Soon after I arrive home I get a text from him telling me that his plans fell through and he wanted to know if I'd like to head up to his college to hang out. I didn't give it a second thought and rushed up there trekking through the snow (None of which plowed...that sucked) but eventually making it to his campus. We hung out with his friends and I slept in his room with him and his room mate rather than try driving home. I camped out between their beds and did that uncomfortable move where you're unable to fall asleep and toss and turn alot. He sends me a text saying "Are you uncomfortable?" I told him I was a little bit but it was fine. He offered me his bed and while I initially turned him down, he insisted and I got in. I assumed he wanted to trade me places but apparently not. There I was in bed with a guy I was crazy about and I wasn't sure what to do. Thankfully god answered that for me. I tried to just stay still and not make him uncomfortable (I myself was in bliss) and sure enough I felt his arm land on my shoulder. I thought he was asleep so I just let it sit there as a smile landed on my face. Eventually he put his arm across my chest and I put hand over his, caressing it slightly. I was ecstatic at this point, I couldn't have planned it better if I wanted to. Then things got more heated.

Without giving too much detail (I want to keep this PG 13 because I'm not sure the rules) we pretty much got to second base. While I enjoyed it immensely it felt sorta hollow because I kept myself from kissing him knowing that he had put that on a pedestal for marriage and I didn't want him to regret the night later. Unfortunately that was exactly what happened... Soon after we finished he apologized for "leading me to sin" which I told him he had no reason to apologize to me. He had done nothing that I hadn't wanted him to do. He told me that it "Was my eyes that did it for him and drew him to me" it's a line that I can't keep from replaying in my head.

Here's where my problem is, I'm in love with him. Not just infatuated or lustful, no I love him. Unfortunately he's become more and more distant ever since that night. I mean we've talked and he told me it wasn't just "fooling around" to him and that there had been an emotional significance to him which he wasn't used to. I want to be with him but his views on religion are really keeping us apart. He feels like he let down God and as much as I would love for him to understand that God loves him regardless, I feel like crap because I tarnished him. I don't know what I can do at this point, I don't know how to approach him or talk about the elephant in the room. I don't want to come off as clingy or make him uncomfortable but I know there's something here between us and I'd hate to see it disappear. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do? I appreciate you reading this through to the end, I know it was kinda long.


Yamamoto's picture

You really need to keep

You really need to keep explianing that God really doesn't give a fuck... the bible has been fucked with so many times, in my opinion the crap in it about homosexuallity is some shit that humans just put it some time later.... so.... yeah... he didn't do anything wrong... I mean seriously this is coming form a history major who knows what he is talking about when it comes to this shit... :P Sorry for all the cussing it is just your situation made me kind of mad, becuase I hate to see someone doing that to themselves just becuase some people about a couple 1000 thousand years ago fucked up what could have been a good reilgion... have the same opinion about Islam frankly :P

MacAvity's picture


Wow, this is a tough situation... but it sounds like the two (or three, if you're counting God as in the title) of you can make it work. Ryan and you clearly care about each other, but - correct me if I'm wrong - he needs God's approval before he can let himself be with you. Could you and he... pray, or something, talk to God and let Him guide you?

Ibleedaudio's picture

I hope so

I hope so I'm just not sure how to approach it, I mean I think he's clinging to the hope that maybe if he finds the right girl that all this will go away and everything will fall into place. I'm not the "Bride" he envisioned originally and our pastor isn't really doing him any favors. I came out to our pastor today (He's a great guy really) and he told me pretty much what I expected him to say, I give him points for not sugar coating it for me and he respects me regardless. I also know he's legit because he always greets people with hugs and whatnot and when we said goodbye today he didn't do anything differently.

I just hope that Ryan isn't buying into this dogma because it's only going to hurt him. He's dealt with depression in the past and I don't want to cause him any pain over this clash of faith and what we could have together. I love him but right now all I can really do is try and point him in the right direction and tell him that God and I are going to love him regardless of what he chooses. Beyond that it's all on his shoulders, I hope he can get past the dogma and begin to live his life unashamed of who he is.

1 John 4:16 NIV
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

MaddieJoy's picture

Try going to

Try going to http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=652 or another Gay Faith website for help. There are hotlines for people like Ryan, too.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

jeff's picture


Long time, babe... ;-)

Sadly, there's nothing you can do here. You're doing everything you can, and doing it correctly. You're open about your attraction, built a friendship, support his spiritual life (up until the point where love = sin, etc.).

It's really up to him and how much he sees his desire for you as a torment instead of a gift. The God stuff is pretty hardwired in there, and only he knows how to find his path around it, or not. You're kind of trapped waiting for him to sort it out, and either he will or you'll eventually bail in frustration.

Sadly, he's trapped in the garden of eden, and the large snake tempting him is in your pants, only he thinks (for whatever reason) that he's supposed to resist it.

But since you represent temptation on some level, anything you say that sounds rational to most will make him think he's being challenged by God.

Had you mentioned this way earlier, I'd probably say "Run! Don't look back! Get out of there!" But now that you're way into it and your falling for him, you may be in for a lot of misery, and it's a coin toss whether that misery will end in frustration or happiness. And all of that progress has to occur by him, and almost without help from you. ;-(

As for never kissing someone until marriage, it is a HORRIBLE idea. I have proof of how awkward it can be. This guy looks like he's feeding a baby bird by regurgitating into her mouth:

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)