I fucking hate myself.

anarchist's picture

Well, the day started great. Brad decided to completely change from yesterday. I sat in an empty desk behind him this morning and he just got mad and told me to leave because his friend was going to sit there. Later, he just payed a lot more attention to his friend than to me, so I just avoided him for the rest of the day. I was in a horrible mood until my friends cheered me up at lunch.
I've also been planning on telling Brad that I like him since Sunday, but I'm just so scared. I want to tell him in the hall because I just thought: "Fuck waiting until we're alone; that obviously isn't happening." However, I just get so nervous and I don't do it. Today I was so nervous that I felt sick the entire day and I couldn't eat my lunch. To the point: I've realized the problem is I have no confidence. So I need to improve that before I tell Brad. I will work on that immediately, though I don't know how.
I felt so lonely today on Valentine's Day. A girl who sits with my friends got like five roses today. What the fuck?
Anyway, please do help.

Comments

elph's picture

The best I can offer:

Just try "giving it a rest."

I know this is very important to you... but please don't say anything to Brad unless you're 100% confident that it will be accepted favorably.

In your present mood... you know that you'd be devastated if it didn't go well.

You should also be aware that a "rejection" (if it happens) is often the immediate response... sort of as a "self-defense" measure. If Brad actually is gay, it is quite likely that he doesn't know how to come out. He could be just as anxious for a relationship as you... You just do not know!!!

I'd suggest trying to just be his friend... without hounding him... and without any sexual innuendo. You'll just have to be patient and see where it leads.

Rushing too fast may actually deny your even being seen as a friend...

Navigating these teen relations can be very turbulent... even more so if one is gay and maybe just a bit too anxious for a "fruitful" relationship!

Patience is the name of the present game... In the meantime... :)

anarchist's picture

Nope.

I obviously can't become someone's friend. I've never been close to anyone. I've only visited one friend the entire time I've lived in this state. Making friends is something I just don't do. If becoming someone's friend must be done before becoming their boyfriend, then I will be alone for the rest of my life. That means I'm going to kill myself.

elph's picture

Don't talk like that! :( :(

You most certainly can be someone's friend. In fact, many someones!

I have only your initial avatar to go by... but if that was genuinely your likeness, you've got nothing to fear!

I will accept, however, that you indeed do feel incapable (unworthy?) of making friends. But... this will just have to change. Use that innate intelligence that I'm confident you possess!

Have you considered volunteering as a tutor... maybe in German (or some other subject)?

anarchist's picture

Intelligence isn't what gets friends at my school.

Here, you get friends by being weird and talking about awkward, sexual things like masturbation, periods, and dendrophilia. Yes, I go to a pretty weird school. And yes, I do talk about awkward, sexual things with my friends (not really masturbation, though; it's the only subject I don't enjoy).
I haven't considered volunteering as a tutor. I'm not the best in any of my classes and I get terrible grades because I either procrastinate my homework or forget about it.

elph's picture

Now that you've brought it up...

Times have certainly changed since I was in high school! We'd never ever dare talk about masturbation... but there was another common expression which may have been related, but I was much too bashful to ask what it meant (but the innuendo was clearly sexual): corn hulling!

Maybe this was an expression that was used in a predominantly farming environment? Dunno. And, I still dunno!

Anyway... you should really try to figure out why you find this subject so embarrassing (or... is it total disinterest?).

anarchist's picture

It's just too awkward, even for me.

I do talk about it a bit, like how often I do it, but I don't go into detail. It's just awkward to the point that it makes me uncomfortable, and I talk about my sexual arousal from thinking about sandwiches. It might also have something to do with the fact that my masturbation is based on boys.

Mogul's picture

Anarchist, please don't kill yourself!

I know things might be hard (I'm in the same situation with Nico!) and about suicide, please dont do that! Believe me that suicide is not the solution! I'm telling you this by personal experience! People love you Josh and I don't want you dead! <3

anarchist's picture

Well,

my philosophy is "I won't care when I'm dead," but I'm still too attached to the hope of a future boyfriend. There is nothing I want more. I won't die... YET!!!
Hmm... That was humor that I think Brad would especially appreciate. Actually, he likes all of my jokes. :')