So this is how it goes. About a year ago I went through the whole process of coming to terms with the fact that I was bi. It took me about 6 months to deal with it and finally come out to a couple of my friends who were both cool with it. Although, I have now grown apart from one of them for different reasons, (she’s just quite annoying really. Plus she hangs out with these other kids now who I find really very boring). Anyway, the other friend has a boyfriend and they’ve been together for ages and she spends pretty much all her time with him and I never see her. So this means I hang out with a different bunch of people now who don’t know anything.
About three months ago I started going out with this guy and a month into being with him I told him I was bi because we were going to have sex but I wanted to be open with him first because I didn’t feel comfortable. He was cool. But then when we next met up about a week after I realised I still wasn’t comfortable and I’d been lying to myself and I didn’t want to have sex with him not because we weren’t open enough but because I was not at all attracted to him. I didn’t enjoy kissing him and I avoided physical contact wherever possible. I didn’t want to go over to his because I knew he’d want to make out and shizzle and I really didn’t enjoy it, putting it nicely.
I think my main problem with it is that he was much stronger and bigger than me, which made me uncomfortable for some reason. Plus he had a penis, which is really quite ugly now isn’t it. However, I didn’t break up with him because I wasn’t entirely sure, maybe it was just him and I did like guys but wasn’t that attracted to him so maybe I should just work at it, give it time, try and get closer to him because I loved him, he was a good guy and I really, really wanted to be attracted to him, that’s why I tried so hard. That and wanting to live a conventional life and keep all my options open. I really clung on to my bisexuality as my last hope of leading a normal life.
So I elected to give him time. However, he clearly didn’t want that time, and broke up with me. He said he didn’t really have a reason but I think it was probably because I was a bit crap, being a lesbian and all. I think he may have realised. But he dumped me over the phone, and refused to meet up with me after for a face-to-face chat to sort things out because “it would be too difficult for both of us”. So I haven’t spoken to him since. I really wish I’d been honest with him and we could still be friends. I miss him. I think it’s too late now though.
So now here I am (a month after the break up) and the question is, am I bi or gay. Or should I just give the whole thing up and live with a cat.
Last year, when I went through this, I always knew I was gay in the back of mind. There was a voice that said, “yeah but you are, so stop kidding yourself and get on with life”. This time I’m not so sure, the voice is there telling me that I am gay and I know it, but I’m not sure how much I believe it this time. But as its there maybe it’s right. I don’t know, did I feel like this about it last time? It’s hard to be sure. Last time it was all right because I knew I could still lead an ordinary, conventional life. That’s possibly why I’m trying harder to ignore it this time.
It’s hard to let go of that vision that’s drummed into us from a young age; walking down the isle in a beautiful white dress on my wedding day in a church with dad by my side towards the perfect man, mum crying in the front row, all my family around me looking happy and proud, growing old together in a pretty little house by the sea, having kids, being parents, being grandparents. If I’m gay it’s reads more like; walking down the isle in a beautiful white dress on my civil partnership day in a random hall with dad by my side towards the perfect woman, mum in the front row, most of my family around me, growing old together in a pretty little house by the sea, having nieces and nephews, being aunts, being great aunts. It’s just not much of a ‘dream’ anymore. It’s also much less likely, there being a much smaller amount of gay people than straight. It means I have to come out. I have no choice. I am gay. I just think there’s a chance I could not be because I don’t want to be.
Pros and cons time. Not to help decide just to see. Cons – no kids. Have to come out. No wedding. No grandkids. Smaller chance of finding somebody. Prejudice. Continually being completely over the top head over heels in love with someone with whom you have absolutely no chance, like I am now. Stereotyping. Pros – I can be honest. I like vaginas. I like boobs. I won’t get accidentally pregnant, which I did sometimes worry about… People will stop trying to stick their bloody penises into me, I mean how presumptuous. Ooh I could get an operation that means I can never have kids and therefore stop having periods, which suck. That might be a bit final though, is it even possible? I can just be myself completely.
I really want a girlfriend. Or even just some sexy fun with a girl… Mainly this girl at school. Fucking hell she’s hot. I love her. The way she looks at me… No wonder I say the stupidest things sometimes, how am I supposed to think clearly when she’s around. She has the most beautiful smile when she looks at you and laughs, and I can almost believe that she likes me, but then she makes that same face at someone else. It’s just the most wonderful expression I’ve ever seen on anyone’s face, it’s like if Gatsby’s smile was transferred onto Daisy’s face, how Gatsby would feel when he saw that. Probably how Nick felt when he saw Gatsby’s smile thinking about it, I’m pretty sure he was homosexual… that scene in his underwear… He loved Gatsby, he too fell victim to the smile of the beautiful heterosexual. She’s like Daisy but better. She actually has her own will, which is what I didn’t like about Daisy. When I picture Daisy I picture her. Her laugh, her murmur, the way she leans in to murmur, the way she makes you feel special, like she cares.
But we’re not even close, we speak for about 2 minutes each day. I think about her everyday. Sometimes I think she knows, how could she not, it must be obvious on my face, sometimes I kid myself into thinking she could like me, but even if she was gay she’d be way out of my league. She’s bang tidy. She has a way of looking so damn fit whatever she’s doing, whatever she’s wearing, and however crap she may be feeling. She’d definitely hurl if she read this. So what’s the point, why can’t I just give it up… Anyway, I’ve gone off topic. Where was I, oh yeah, so I think that might be some of the problem, maybe if I had some sexy fun I’d be surer.
I worry a lot about stereotypes. I worry if I come out instead of being more myself I will really try and avoid anything that fits into the stereotype. Like football, but I love football. I’ll add that to cons…
Oh yeah, I was talking about how I hang with a new group of friendies. The relevance of that is, like I said, they know nothing. I wanted to come out to them but I’ve been unsure of being bi or gay, also I want to tell my sister, so that’s kind of what necessitated this rambling. I also realised that this was how I dealt with it last time, although it was much shorter that time, this one is epic. So I’d just quite like to tell them so I can talk openly, we talk and joke a lot about that kind of thing and I sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable that the longer I leave it the more uncomfortable it could be for them. They won’t care, it’s just the old problem of actually speaking the words out loud to another human being.
What annoys me, is how most people, they fall in love with someone, they think to themselves, I’ll just tell them, see what they say. I fall in love, I think to myself, I can’t ever tell them, there is a 0.000000000000001% chance they are interested, otherwise, they will most likely be creeped out, never talk to me again and react in a generally negative way. So I decide I’m much happier at least being able to talk to her, and have her smile at me, and end up waiting it out, which is inevitably a long and painful process.
I’m not really sure what else to say… Ultimately this is just one big procrastination, I’m gay, I know it. It has made me feel a bit better though. Next step – coming out. That’ll be a bugger. Maybe it’s not so much the knowing of it as the accepting of it. That’s the difference, that’s why it takes so long. I do know it, I just need to accept it.