If you could cross your own timeline...

MacAvity's picture

So, I don't know whether I have much to say or not... but it's been a month since my last entry, so there's got to be something worth writing...

Eh.. You really don't have to read any of this. Skip to the end if you want, fun question about crossing your own timeline.

Um... gender stuff! I'm kind of tired of hearing about gender stuff, and thinking about gender stuff, and especially writing about gender stuff, so... I don't know. But I've noticed recently, or figured out, or maybe it was like this all along or maybe this is something new, I don't really care - I don't have a fixed gender or lack thereof or anything. It changes depending on whom I'm with and how people are perceiving me. At my most cisgender, I'm a female-to-male crossdresser, a girl in male-ish clothing. At my most trans, I'm a guy who's tempted by the idea of male-to-female crossdressing but hasn't actually gotten around to doing it yet. When I'm with my parents, I'm their daughter; when I'm dancing with a stranger at the Civil War Ball, I'm a boy just like anyone else wearing trousers there.

But I would like to pass for male more than I do. Yesterday I was chatting with some strangers and one of them referred to me as 'she' even though I thought I'd given no indication in that direction - in my mind, in fact, I'd been a boy throughout the whole conversation until that moment. That happens all the time, now - people I've just met know I'm female although I don't want them to. Maybe it's my voice. I've found an exercise that promises to cause temporary voice deepening, but I'm too embarrassed to say repetitions of 'Ding dong, king kong, bing bong' in full speaking voice, either in a dorm hall where someone might hear or in the silence of isolation. Maybe in the bathroom, where the hitherto annoying loud fan might be as loud as at least a quiet speaking voice.

I'd like to be able to grow my hair a little longer and still pass.
I'd like to be able to wear makeup and feminine clothes - not regularly, just for some yet-unknown occasion - and be a guy in drag.

I wish mascara came in blond, so I could brush on believable sideburns like I had at Hallowe'en, but without dyeing my hair again.
I wish there was some shop in town where I could try on binders.

Sometimes I'm a girl. Sort of. I don't know why not always. I have more in common, behaviorwise, personalitywise, with girls.


Sexuality stuff?

I'm calling myself bi right now. 'Cause I like guys. I don't like penises or muscles or tough-guy masculinity, but there are definitely people of the male type who are attractive to me. (Like the guy who sits next to me in statistics class - damn, he's hot.) I like their faces, their shoulders, their voices. But I like them in a gay way. I could never be anyone's girlfriend. But I'd still want to take the more passive role in any relationship - the one who gets asked out, picked up, taken out. I don't know.

Right now I'd rather snog a guy than a girl, but I'd rather date a girl than a guy. But I don't really want to date anyone right now. It just frustrates me that I never have. I've had a breakup, but never a relationship.

Still don't want sex. Eew. Genitals are gross. Even mine. (Possible too-much-information ahead...) I don't want to get that all over my hand; maybe that's part of why I'm so terribly unsuccessful at masturbating. Still do it, though - just in a... minimally slimy way. Minimally slimy and orgasm-less. Anyway, I don't know if not wanting sex still makes me asexual. I think my vagina is the most asexual part of me, and the rest of my body doesn't want that label to interfere with the already-low chances of getting a snog.

And according to the vocabulary, bisexual isn't the right word because of some reason, but y'know what, screw the vocabulary. We don't need a zillion different words for the different shades of the orientation where people don't restrict themselves to just liking one sex/gender/whatever. Bi works just fine.

Aaaand..... what else. It's been a month, got to be something else.

We had damn well better get those six more weeks of winter the groundhog promised like it does every year. 'Cause so far here in Rivendell we've gotten no winter at all. Bloody autumn in the middle of January, what the hell.

Also, notice how I'm trying to expand my profanity! Stop censoring myself and all that. 'Cept it's not working very well because it turns out I didn't use censor-words like 'heck' that much anyway. But whatever. Damn damn damn damn damn. Hehehehehe.

Random phrases! Since the forum topic apparently wants to die, sad though I am to see it go, I guess I'll share just a few random quotes here...
- 'They're having an awktuplet! It's one baby that absorbed all seven other babies!'
- 'Smith. John Smith. Smmmmithacus. Schmidtacus.'
- 'Have you been called a unit lately? You're a unit.'
- 'This morning it was like neither of us could decide which one was Farticus.'
- 'I was born to agitate solutions!'
- 'Don't judge me! I saw your face; it said "Your sonic toothbrush cannot communicate with aliens!"'
Person 1: '...I blinked. I stared straight at it and I blinked.'
Person 2: 'You are badass.'

Also, Amy has arranged our action figures (I don't know why we have action figures on top of our refrigerator, but we do) such that Han Solo and Lego Yoda are each raping an Iron Man while Ron the ghostie looms with his perpetual expression of daft doombringing... and I don't know why nobody has done anything about this, but it's been like that for a couple of days now.

And... for a couple of weeks in January I went through a brief fascination with David Bowie - trying to figure out what his appeal is but succeeding only in knowing that there is one. I don't find his music particularly more compelling than any other music; I certainly don't lust for him the way all the YouTube commenters do, but there's something inescapably compelling nonetheless. Except that I'm not compelled anymore - the fascination came and went and now I'm a wee bit more musically educated than before and that's about it. I'd still like to know why so many straight men are unashamedly attracted to him - it's a curious phenomenon.

And... Regi and I have signed up to room with each other next year, yay!

And.... That's really all I can think of right now. So now to relate to the title of this entry:

If you could cross your own timeline, go back just a little, such that there would be two of you in existence for a few hours, would you make out/have sex with yourself? If not, what would you do instead?