im a worthless coward and a pathetic being

Tycoondashkid's picture

title says it all im a worthless coward without a future or any prospects i can't stand up for myself, ive sunk even lower, i can't tell my mum to fuck off, i can't stand life at all & lastly can't come out to anyone at all.

you know i actually hear voices in my head they tell me to do such horrible things i can resist them for now but they've killed off all the good voices

you know i don't know what love feels like at all even so called "parents" love, care either no one genuinely cares for me

ive come to a conclusion that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't get better, and i will never be happy.
the moving finger has rite, the die has been cast i will suffer for ever.
ive waited my entire existence for a day i feel good it never came and never will.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

You have no future and you still can't come out?! Why not?

Usually the future repercussions are the main issue with coming out. Remove those, and you should be fine. If you have such a low opinion of your life, it seems unlikely anything you could do would make it worse.

You have total control of your life. So, you're maintaining the life you hate by not changing it.

Considering your current state, I wouldn't give your dire conclusions much weight, either.

You said it yourself, you are *waiting* for your life to get better. Not sure who told you that's how it works. But they lied to you. It isn't.

No one loves you. Again, this shouldn't be the case. But who are giving love to? Friends? Someone? Someone on Oasis? If no one, this is also passive.

You make your life better. If you aren't doing the work, then the results you dislike are inevitable. What do you wish today had been like? And what did you do to make it that way? If the answer is nothing, then why not?

You control your life, the people in it, the path you're on, and the rate at which it can change.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

to answer

i can't come out because it gives people another reason to hate me........

i wish i did have a future so that i had something to live for, my opion of myself stays constant its my enviroment, school and family and make me sink lower and lower and lower.

i cant control my life i aint even allowed to go outside unless its for school, i dont get any money what so ever & my grades are falling i can't control anything.

i just need 1 good day not even a hello would really cheer me up just one moment of happiness just a hello or maybe even *gasp* a happy birthday once, i have never been told happy birthday in my entire life

i did try to be happy like and love my family they fucking shot me down non-stop not a break, my mum only kept me for child benefits that she spends on herself

how i could make this day better a good morning or hello, for once that would make my day seriously thats all i need for now. how i could make it that way i TRYYYY i say hello and good morning to every fucking one nobody responds

i don't control it if i did id be dead...

Dracofangxxx's picture

In my opinion, from being in a similar situation,

There comes a point where your pain starts to become self-created because you keep putting yourself down so much.

STOP saying these bad things about yourself. You're sitting around and having a self-pity-party instead of thinking of ways to make it better, of ways to make yourself appreciate life more.

As Jeff said, you can't WAIT for life to get better. Good things don't just happen. There's some quote that says insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have the power to make your life good in your own hands- So DO something about it instead of sitting around thinking about how bad you feel.

If, and only if, you can get to that point of self-realization, is when you'll be happy.
-
That's redick!

Tycoondashkid's picture

well

first points true but the fact is ive given up because every single time i pick myself up i GET CRUSHED by everyone, my whole life is nothing but a cruel joke.

the only thing i can do to make myself happy is to escape to somewhere far away so ill never have to see anybody including my family again. and there is no way for me to appreciate life theres just nothing for me no future, no talent, no way to properly vent my anger and pain without harming myself.

just like i said to jeff i have to power im a pityfull waste of flesh in a house that everyone avoids walking past and the son of the only person i can look down apon with disgust, hatred and hoped death. only a hello would cheer me up for weeks WEEKS i never get a hello no matter what i do

Dracofangxxx's picture

YOUR life is a joke?

Despite my constant bringing it up, I don't LIKE to talk about my life, but here we go, since everyone is so goddamn self depriciating all the fucking time around the internet.

My mother and father both came from alchoholic, abusive households. Therefore, at our young years, decided to beat us. I got less of it. My sister, however, was punched in the face at age 6 by my father. It split her lip.
She was then told to suck it up.

She's been pushed around and slapped and beaten a lot. She called the police once to report being child abused and he never did it again. She's been hit by my mother, too.

I had to routinely watch my pets get beaten with a broom when they were bad and told "it didn't hurt them", even when the broom broke from so much force.

My sister, 11 years my senior, was beaten with the belt to the point of bruising profusely regularily. She then learned this behaviour and frequently beat me in my childhood, holding me down when she wanted to take care of my body, and fighting if I pushed away. She tried to help me with homework, and if I didn't get her instructions, would punch or slap me and call me stupid, or an idiot.

My mother has ridiculous anger issues, and from what I hear from my sister, used to run out of the house whenever things would go bad. Even still, we argue constantly, sometimes to the point of her telling me I'm useless, a piece of shit. I'm scared she'll hit me, because she gets so angry to the point of holding up her fists in my face.

I've been molested by a close friend because I am small and weak and trust people.

Every day in physics, one of my friends keeps sexually harrassing me and laughing at me when I say no, even when I start to cry.

if your life is so fucking hard, let's trade

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. I love my life. Despite the crappiness, I found things that I love to do, people I love to be around. Your life is YOUR life. Make it good or shut up. You're only a pitiful waste of flesh because you have given up and expect everyone else to make your life good.

Hint! It won't get better if you have that attitude.

If you want a hello, start being friendly and change your attitude. People probably don't say hi because you're a mopey sunofabitch.

Like I want to make you feel better, but when you take my advice to you and spew that whiny crap of an excuse... Your life isn't a cruel joke. It's only like that because you allow it to be.

It's YOUR life! Take charge! Show it who's boss! It's not like I think you're weak, I think you're hella strong, if you'd allow yourself to be. But you don't!...

Just take it from me. You CAN be happy. Things WILL get better. But only if you change that attitude!
-
That's redick!

Tycoondashkid's picture

thats amazing how similar

thats amazing how similar your life was to how mine is

my mum can from a alcoholic abusive house as well, my dad has some serious fear of confrontation as well as arrested development.
i got the worse of it i had both my wrists and one of my ankles broken when i was thrown down the stairs by my mother.

i also tried to report child abuse i didn't have the courage to dial the numbers i wish i did now.

i saw my mother drunkingly kill my dog, i loved that dog more than any human.

i was beaten to the point of near death at one point i learned not to fight but to run and hide thats when the voices started first telling me to murder, burn, steal and rape they dont ever leave me alone.

my mother called me a useless being and that i was only born for tax breaks and benefits, im afraid she will hurt me but i don't fear death my mums held a knife to my throat.

trade? happily i seriously would do anything to escape my pathetic life.

i would be happier if i had an escape if i could draw or write i would have an escape that could bring me up, i had an escape once a old shelter i build that no one else knew about where i could be alone, where nobody could hurt me where my voices couldn't follow untill it was burnt to the ground and then i had no where to go, ive given up but i know no one will help ive given up because every single time ive been happy ive been beaten and crushed

i literally try my very best to be happy and not moody or mopey i serious say hello to everyone not got a hello back.
just aknolagement that isn't negative what i need at least is neutrality in once.

the thing i need most is a release or a way to get rid of the voices for good if they never were to return i would be able to feel happiness with a little bit in my head saying to kill them all.

radiosilence95's picture

I've said this before, and I

I've said this before, and I shall say it again. If you think things will be miserable forever, then you're right. They will. But not because the world hates you...because that's what you believe. Fighting depression is really all about your attitude and your perception. If you force yourself to maintain a somewhat positive outlook for an extended amount of time, that forced optimism will stop being forced and will start being natural.

Just...take things one day at a time. Make yourself think about positive things. Write down a list if you must. Just know that right now, this depression is conquering you because you're allowing it to, not because it's too powerful to overcome.

Also, you said you've been waiting for a feel-good kind of day...I hate to break this to you, but good days generally don't come by themselves. You have to take some kind of action for a good day to happen. This action could be a steady stream of positive thoughts, or stepping out of your comfort zone in some way, etc. So, if you're sitting around waiting for your life to get better, you will be thoroughly disappointed. Ya gotta do something.

Tycoondashkid's picture

i spent

all last year trying my best to be happy thinking it all works out in the end thinking there is light at the end of the tunnel built myself out of depressing only to be knocked but down it by my enviroment, people in school & my so called "family".

im not able to over come very single time im happy i get shoot down nonstop, i can't even remember what happiness feels like its been nearly a year since i was happy

i just need a hello once a week to cheer myself up at least a little bit thats all im asking from humanity.

Yamamoto's picture

If your so desperate for a

If your so desperate for a hello... have you ever tried actually saying hello to people. I mean I am quite sure if you said hello to everyone you passed during one day... then you would get quite a few hello's back. Though you need to make sure they can hear you ok.

RainbowTime's picture

i say hello alot

nobody ever replies they hear me look at me and tell me to fuck off

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

Tycoondashkid's picture

that was me

just boring her laptop it auto-log into hers

javier's picture

...

You're not worthless, you're worth a million dollars. Everyone is worth a million dollars, except Hitler and Thomas Jefferson. You have to say hi to people regardless of how you feel about yourself because they may disagree. Be nice to people and they will like you and be nice to you to. If not, move on to the next person. Eventually one person will like you then lots of people will like you. Be persistent and tell those evil voices to take a hike on Mt. Everest so they can die and leave you alone.

Tycoondashkid's picture

alas if it were true

i am nice to everyone thats what confuses me its my nature to be nice & trusting but yet i get beaten and assualted for no reason at all, the voices control my thoughts but not my actions yet if they did no one would be safe. they cant die only the good voices could die