In Retrospect...

MaddieJoy's picture

Lately I have been looking back on my life, wondering why I never noticed that I was bi. Now I'm thinking it's just because I didn't realize that people could like the same gender. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a summary of my journey of self-discovery:
*Kindergarten: I convince my best freind to propose to me a year after breaking his heart by saying I liked another little boy, P. My BFF/Fiance, K, and I decide to have 99 kids. We can only think of 20 names, though...
Later we are talking and K tells me his aunt married a woman. I tell him (in my best "superior intelect" voice) that he's making it up. I shrug it off when his (married) aunts show up at his birthday party.
*2nd Grade: I get in a fight with my other BFF, A, over who gets to play with a girl, M. I end up in tears because I desperately want to spend time with her. It occurs to me that she may have been my first crush on a girl, since I thought she was perfect--she rode horses, was pretty, and could spell a lot of big words.
*3rd Grade: I, a REALLY pretty girl, comes to school and is soon the 2nd most popular kid in class (after me). I really like her, but for some reason am too nervous to talk to her. I never do get around to hanging out with her.
4th Grade: I am moved to a public school. Naive little Waldorfer that I am, I tell my new public school comerades to stop calling eachother "homos" because homos are people who are out of work and ride trains trying to earn money, so they shouldn't make fun of them (I thought they meant "Hobos")
*5th Grade: I somehow figure out what gay means. However, I have no other vocabulary about this. Health class doesn't even mention it.
*6th Grade: The idea of a bisexual person somehow gets into my conciousness, and I ask if a character on TV is--and I quote-- "Switchy-switchy." My parents laugh and say yes, but don't correct my unique vocabulary.
*7th Grade: I begin to get paranoid about having conversations about anything that could be construed as remotely gay. I also start worrying that a girl is going to fall inlove with me. I am aware that all of this is weird and unfounded, but I still worry.
*8th Grade: I am alone in the Dr's office filling out a questionair. I fill out my parent's health info, age, date, that I prefer boys, that I'm a girl. The Dr. doesn't come. I look over the sheet. Add that my dad's sight sucks. The Dr. Doesn't come. I check "hide food" (I have candy in my room). The Dr. doesn't come. I look at the sheet. And suddenly I'm checking "Not Sure" AND "Pefer Boys."
*Right Now: I finally figured it out. And it only took 14 years!

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

Sorry that's kinda long but

Sorry that's kinda long but I needed to write it all out. Lists and timelines are the only way I can think.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

Tycoondashkid's picture

you got me thinking

why i never realised either when i was in P3 i had what you guess you can call my first crush on some boy were not friends anymore pretty much the same thing happened to me that happened to you, crying

but such is life

MaddieJoy's picture

I guess so. The upside of

I guess so. The upside of homeschool is that you don't know anyone to have an impossible crush on. My last crush was in 5th grade. It's lonely, but better than heartbreak I guess.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

Tycoondashkid's picture

you were homeschooled?

ive always wondered what it was like to be home schooled

MaddieJoy's picture

Yeah. Not too special. I get

Yeah. Not too special. I get up the same time every morning, shower, say goodbye to whichever parent is going to work, eat, log in to my computer and do 3-6 lessons. It can take a few hours or more.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

Tycoondashkid's picture

oh

that seems look a good education
i would hate home schooling just because of my mum

did you ever wonder what it was like to go to public school?

MaddieJoy's picture

Public school has recess and

Public school has recess and lots of friends, and perverted 4th graders who make inapropriate jokes because you're the only girl at the table.
4-6th grade I was in a public school. 4th was awesome--I got elected class rep on my first day and our teacher spent math extoling on the virtues of steak and chocolate nut clusters...
5th grade both my teachers were the worst in the school. My dad blames them for taking away my love of learning. Ms. C didn't teach a word that wasn't in her guide, and couldn't figure out any good alterantives for me to do when I protested the animal testing in class. Mr. S went on about "Back when I was in grad school..." (not even kidding) and how smart his 1st grade son was.
In 6th grade my teacher was nice and got pregnant. My reading teacher had it out for me and ruined a lot of classic books that she didn't understand.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

MaddieJoy's picture

Actually 6th was good 'cause

Actually 6th was good 'cause I got elected President

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

Potter's picture

You know, crap teachers is

You know, crap teachers is one of the things that pisses me off most in life. If you don't want to teach, do something else. People see teaching as something to do when they can't think of anything else. But the only good ones are the ones that actually want to do it.

we must choose between what is right and what is easy. - J. K. Rowling

Tycoondashkid's picture

trying to understand

just not used to americas grades but i get the just of the years
something similar happened with me
assuming grade 4 is the same as primary 4 (like 9/10) yeah pretty much it annoyed me alot because im not like that, meh.

assuming 5th grade is P5 i had a fuck awful teacher Mrs. Carse she bitched and moaned about every little thing but my maths/english teacher was awesome just because he told awesome stories and was really funny.

assuming 6th is P6 it was ok i guess i was a close friend with both my boy & girl crush :3.