Jude/Jenna

MacAvity's picture

So... Jude emailed me back today.

I had emailed him a few days ago, trying not to lose contact. It'd been a long time since we'd communicated at all, and I'd been thinking of him. The bracelet he made for me elevenish months ago finally fell off, reminding me that I really had to write to him and not just think about it.

Anyway.

Apparently he was more serious than I had thought about the whole transgender thing. He had wanted to start college introducing himself as Jenna, he said. The same thing I did, using the transition to a new place and new people as an opportunity to start with a new presentation of me. He said he hadn't done it, though, because he knows he still looks like a guy.

See, I should be calling her she, but I can't take her seriously as a girl. I feel bad about it but I can't. She's not feminine at all. Picture a young hippie man - that's Jude. Sure, I know, identity and presentation and expression and all that aren't necessarily related, but... it's harder, in person. Maybe she is a woman, but she's a woman who resembles a man in every way, and it'll be hard for me to respect her womanhood because of that.

She wants me to get Facebook so we can keep in touch better. Jenna - under the name Jenna - won't have many Facebook friends, and I wouldn't have to have any other than her. There are some other people I might like to keep in touch with that way too. I'd do it. But still, it's Facebook, the very thing I've so long been irrationally proud of not having.

I got as far in the Facebook signup process as 'Please select either Male or Female.' Usually I'm comfortable putting 'Female' in boxes marked 'Sex' - 'Gender' is a slightly different matter, but I'm okay with being distaff. But I don't want that showing up as one of my defining attributes where anyone could read it - I don't even know, does sex show on your Facebook page? Is there a way to hide it?
I'm still willing to get Facebook for a few select people (Jenna and Lily and maybe a couple of others, but not people I see regularly or with whom I am only casually acquainted), but I do need to figure out this sex thing.

Maybe Jenna and I could see each other over spring break - we should both be in town for at least part of it. Assuming she goes home to her family - I don't know if she will, she's not very close to her family. We haven't seen each other since graduation. Maybe we can do girl things like wear makeup and giggle. See, I can't picture her giggling - she's too man to giggle. I can picture her wearing makeup, but in that picture she's a guy wearing makeup. Maybe we can sleep together - I don't know why, but I've often fantasized (not without a little fear mixed with the desire) of sharing a bed with Jude. Lying against him, feeling his heartbeat.

I just want to see him, and for him to be my Jude.

I don't even know.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

You edit your personal info

You edit your personal info or security settings. Then you select you gender/sex/etc, and next to that it shows who can see it. Select "only me" or the equivalent, save the changes, and you're set.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

MacAvity's picture

Thanks!

Okay... I've done it.
I am now a reluctant member of Facebook.
Eh. It's not worth being proud of not doing something, anyway.

Edit:
Eurgh, now it's referring to me with third-person pronouns even though I clicked against showing my sex. I can switch between 'he' and 'she,' but bleh. Can't I be sexless on the incorporeal internets? I manage it surprisingly well in reality, where I actually have a body....

thoughtgoddess's picture

I find facebook is, if

I find facebook is, if nothing else, a handy sort of address book, when people's emails/phone numbers/residences seem to change every month.
In regards to your friend. Perhaps she isn't the sort of girl who wears make-up. There are plenty of girls out there who dont' fit the common descriptions of what girls ought to be like, to like doing, to wear, etc. and yet they have no doubt that they are still girls. There's always a really dangerous pressure on trans* people, especially those first coming out, to set aside their own likes and dislikes and personality in order to fit in to some sort of idealized "real girl"or "real boy" stareotype in order to prove themselves and be taken seriously by the rest of the world. It's especially damaging in meddical institutions, obviously, but I'm sure it's just as frustrating and difficult in social situation as well. Obviously your friend came out to you because she feels that you're someone who she can rely on to be understanding and excepting, and I'd suggest trying to analyse and work through any issues you've got around seeing her as a girl before you see her in person. The fact that she's focusing on that she "still looks like a boy" (which is totally not uncommon) means that she might be more conscious of the fact that her physical appearance could interfere with her gender presentation and identity. You absolutely have the right to take whatever time you need to think about it and think about why you feel the way you do, I'm not in any way trying to imply any sort of 'you are bad and you should feel bad' thing. And as cliche as it is, she'll still be the same person you remember, just with the natural changes of a few months apart/starting college.
..oh God, sorry if this comment came off super-preachy or whatever. obvs I have no idea of your friend's feelings --it's totally possible she is the kind of girl who wears makeup, idk-- and I'm probbly telling you things you already know off by heart.