So... Jude emailed me back today.
I had emailed him a few days ago, trying not to lose contact. It'd been a long time since we'd communicated at all, and I'd been thinking of him. The bracelet he made for me elevenish months ago finally fell off, reminding me that I really had to write to him and not just think about it.
Apparently he was more serious than I had thought about the whole transgender thing. He had wanted to start college introducing himself as Jenna, he said. The same thing I did, using the transition to a new place and new people as an opportunity to start with a new presentation of me. He said he hadn't done it, though, because he knows he still looks like a guy.
See, I should be calling her she, but I can't take her seriously as a girl. I feel bad about it but I can't. She's not feminine at all. Picture a young hippie man - that's Jude. Sure, I know, identity and presentation and expression and all that aren't necessarily related, but... it's harder, in person. Maybe she is a woman, but she's a woman who resembles a man in every way, and it'll be hard for me to respect her womanhood because of that.
She wants me to get Facebook so we can keep in touch better. Jenna - under the name Jenna - won't have many Facebook friends, and I wouldn't have to have any other than her. There are some other people I might like to keep in touch with that way too. I'd do it. But still, it's Facebook, the very thing I've so long been irrationally proud of not having.
I got as far in the Facebook signup process as 'Please select either Male or Female.' Usually I'm comfortable putting 'Female' in boxes marked 'Sex' - 'Gender' is a slightly different matter, but I'm okay with being distaff. But I don't want that showing up as one of my defining attributes where anyone could read it - I don't even know, does sex show on your Facebook page? Is there a way to hide it?
I'm still willing to get Facebook for a few select people (Jenna and Lily and maybe a couple of others, but not people I see regularly or with whom I am only casually acquainted), but I do need to figure out this sex thing.
Maybe Jenna and I could see each other over spring break - we should both be in town for at least part of it. Assuming she goes home to her family - I don't know if she will, she's not very close to her family. We haven't seen each other since graduation. Maybe we can do girl things like wear makeup and giggle. See, I can't picture her giggling - she's too man to giggle. I can picture her wearing makeup, but in that picture she's a guy wearing makeup. Maybe we can sleep together - I don't know why, but I've often fantasized (not without a little fear mixed with the desire) of sharing a bed with Jude. Lying against him, feeling his heartbeat.
I just want to see him, and for him to be my Jude.
I don't even know.