My Daughter Just Told Me She Is Gay?1

INEEDANSWERS's picture

I am a Foster Parent to a 14 year old girl. She has been in my and my husband's care for almost 6 months now... we love her very much :)

My daughter has to go to weekly therapy sessions, because of things that happened in her biological mothers home. As I was picking her up recently from therapy, her Therapist pulled me to the side. She told me that my daughter revealed to her that she was a LESBIAN!!

I was (am) in complete shock! Well... we did suspect that she was Gay, because of her masculine dress and ways... but to hear it confirmed... we are just torn about this.

My daughter feels like her privacy was violated by the Therapist... I'm glad the Therapist told me. My husband and I had a loooong talk with our daughter about prematurely placing "labels" on herself. Gay means your sexual preference... and if you haven't had Gay sex yet... how are you calling yourself GAY?! We advised her to live life first... and worry about labels later. We also told her that we love her, and that she is free to be whoever she wants to be, and that we would love her no matter who or what she decided to be (tear).

BUT.... I can't help but be disturbed by this news! My husband and I are very religious people. We are Jehovah's Witnesses and believe that being Gay is a perversion of God's original plan for a man and woman (I am NOT trying to offend anyone). After reading a lot of the posts on this website, I NOW understand that sometimes being Gay is not a choice.

How do I help my daughter with what she is going through without offending her? There is nothing anyone could ever say to me to convince me that being Gay is "ok". I strongly feel that homosexuality is against nature. However, I now know that sometimes people cant help but to feel the way they feel... I blame it on our imperfect state.

I am not prejudice, I am not homophobic. I call myself a Christian... and Christ loved ALL people... so who am I not to have love for my neighbor? But I do know that God said certain people would NOT inherit His Kingdom or be in His paradise.... that's just a biblical FACT.

MY QUESTION: How does a loving religious mother accept/adjust to the fact that her daughter is Gay?

Thank you!

Comments

RainbowTime's picture

well

you can't really if you bring religion into it, it will be very offensive especially if you say its no ok or against nature or blame it on something or even mention religion

1. you dont need to have sex to be gay, by that logic how were you straight before you had sex
2. being gay is never a choice
3. being gay is ok and not against nature

and this is coming from someone who raised (well still raising) a child

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

Super Duck's picture

I'm 17, so I'm only a few

I'm 17, so I'm only a few years older than your daughter. And even though I haven't had sex, I know I'm gay because I'm attracted to women. There is not much I appreciate more than a beautiful woman! I am not attracted to men, however. I know this because the idea of going with a man just seems very unappealing to me, and it isn't something I would be compelled to do.

My mom is religious too, except she isn't a Jehovah's Witness. She is just a nondenominational Christian. She didn't have that hard a time accepting me, because she believes that love is God's greatest gift. In fact, she took me leaving the religion a lot worse than me telling her I'm gay.

Gay people come in all types. Young ones and old ones, tall ones and short ones, masculine ones and feminine ones... (Incidentally, just because it is a little quirk of mine to notice these things, I saw you wrote that you suspected your daughter was gay because she dressed masculinely. That isn't always a good indicator because sometimes heterosexuals can be tomboys, and sometimes lesbians can be more feminine, like me for example. A much better indicator would be to observe how she acts around other females!) And yes, I have even heard of gay Christians.

It is good that you can see being gay isn't a choice. I am confident you will be able to accept your daughter in time. You are on the right track. :)

elph's picture

I like!

A very reasoned response!

elph's picture

That therapist!

The therapist could not possibly have been a professional!

A reputable therapist would never have violated your daughter's privacy by not first having elicited her consent to reveal this information to anyone, not just to her mother!

Dracofangxxx's picture

I would have to say...

Even if being gay is a sin, if she hurts nobody, I feel that her and God would have an understanding. If god is all loving, don't you think he would understand that he made her the way she is, and that's that?

Besides, parts of the bible get outdated anyways. I read somewhere that even the translation of that part from it's original language may have meant something along the lines of that older men shoudln't sleep with YOUNGER men as they do with women, but I'm not sure, I'll try to find the article.

The sanctity of marriage in the bible is rather screwed up anyways, allowing rape and multiple wives and :P...

I'd just say to leave religion out of your daughter's sexuality. Realize that there's nothing you can do about it, no God can help her, she was born this way and will stay the way she is (and how she always HAS been ) :)

Your daughter has always been gay... Her being gay doesn't change a thing. All it does is change your knowledge. Her little toddler stages of playing in the mud with sticks? Was gay then, too :]

I will agree with you that labels are bad, bad things sometimes... But! Did you know you were sexually attracted to men before ever having sex?

Yes?

It's kinda like that. I remember one day I was spending time with my best friend, and we were laying on a hammock together and I held her hand, and my heart did the little schoolgirl pitter patter that happens when you have a big crush on a boy, and that's just how I knew. Don't seperate gay love from straight love- It's all love, the same kind, just with different faces :)

-
That's redick!

anarchist's picture

I wish I could see all love as the same like you do.

But I'm sort of a heterophobe. I don't have anything against straight people, but heterosexuality is something I don't approve of. It's just weird. (Actually, I approve of dendrophilia more than heterosexuality.)

Dracofangxxx's picture

I would have to say dendrophilia is a sexual preference,

Not a sexuality.

But there's nothing wrong with kinks of any kind, either, as long as there is no harm done (harm not meaning pain, as some pain brings pleasure in this case).
-
That's redick!

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I'm not overly familiar with the Jehovah's Witness angle on sexuality, but it doesn't sound too different from the others. ;-)

There is a group that might help you, though: http://www.gayxjw.org/?page_id=2

The label thing seems reasonable, but is just anti-gay nonsense. If your daughter said a boy was cute, would you tell her she shouldn't rush into calling herself heterosexual, and that she certainly wouldn't know for sure until she slept with a boy? No, because you see that as "normal."

I'm not sure how homosexuality can be against nature and gay people are going to hell, but you're not prejudiced. Prejudice is to pre-judge. Not sure what else you could call that.

And, if I were your daughter, I'd never go to that therapist again.

You seem well-intentioned, but unless you really find a way to love her without judgment (which one imagines is God's job, not yours anyway) and find away to meet her where she is, as who she is, then eventually she'll just grow up, and cut you out of her life. Your actions decide whether that happens.

BTW, before I saw this post, I did delete a reply of yours elsewhere, which seemed to be all anti-gay religious stuff in another post here. I think everyone here gets the religious fiction side of things, so I removed it. It isn't a perspective we need more of on here. Most of the youth here get enough judgment and intolerance when they're logged off, so keep the "God's plan" stuff contained to posts like this and you'll be fine.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

First, that's a very bad therapist.

Fire it immediately.
Also, sex does not define sexual relation. There are even gays wh have only had straight sex. I'm a virgin and I'm gay.
And homosexuality can't be unnatural because nature is everything. Unnatural doesn't exist.
The answer to your question: stop caring about it. Don't put religion before family; that's the most unloving thing you could do in my opinion.
And I hate to be redundant based on previous comments, but it's weird that you thought your daughter was lebian based on masculinity. Masculinity and femininity are illusions put on us by society. They don't exist. I'm less feminine than plenty of straight guys at my school; I am also less masculine than plenty of straight guys.
Here are a few videos promoting homosexuality, if it helps you get over it:

And here's one for your daughter:

angel syndrome's picture

I'm going try to avoid

I'm going try to avoid repeating things others have said before me, or at least make distinctions that I think could be helpful, but first off, taking the time to research this instead of putting your cultural baggage without thinking upon your foster daughter is already a step in the right direction, and I congratulate you for that - as a parent, it's a difficult thing to go through, especially if it's outside your social and cultural norms.

"Gay means your sexual preference... and if you haven't had Gay sex yet... how are you calling yourself GAY?! We advised her to live life first... and worry about labels later."

There is a distinction to make between sexual orientation and sexuality. Sexual orientation is defined as an enduring pattern of attraction, be it romantic, emotional or sexual. Sexuality is how one acts upon it in the bedroom. Sexuality is a choice, sexual orientation is not. However, sexuality and sexual orientation usually go together, and encouraging repression of either is not something that should be done.

As far as labels go, I somewhat agree with your position, since in my experience, very few people are 100% homosexual or 100% heterosexual. However, as a teenager, one constantly strives to "belong" in a "category" that more closely defines them. She will have her entire life to rethink if she fits within these sexual "categories" - but for the time being, if she believes that she fits inside the lesbian "category", and she is comfortable inside of it, that's a good thing. From the little I can gleam about her,

"There is nothing anyone could ever say to me to convince me that being Gay is "ok". I strongly feel that homosexuality is against nature. However, I now know that sometimes people cant help but to feel the way they feel... I blame it on our imperfect state."

I'd advise you not to make generalizations about this, since views and opinion are subject to change. In the same way that you've come to accept that homosexuality is not a choice, this belief could change based on your experiences.

"I am not prejudice, I am not homophobic. I call myself a Christian... and Christ loved ALL people... so who am I not to have love for my neighbor? But I do know that God said certain people would NOT inherit His Kingdom or be in His paradise.... that's just a biblical FACT."

Being a Christian and being accepting of another person's sexuality are independent of each other. While I'm not one to judge your religious beliefs, God did not write the Bible - human beings did, and in your words, that's just a historical fact. The texts in the Bible are human interpretations of their spiritual and religious experiences, and thus are subjective and relative to the cultural context in which they were produced. This cultural context may or may not be relevant to our current cultural context.

As far as consolidating your religious beliefs with your views on sexuality, I would recommend re-reading the Bible with these thoughts in mind, and making your own interpretation.

"How do I help my daughter with what she is going through without offending her?"

Understand that this is a very difficult time for her right now. For starters, as many others have said before me, the way her therapist acted was completely unprofessional and unethical, and if your daughter is uncomfortable being around this therapist, respect that and don't go to him anymore. Don't push your foster daughter for explanations, confirmation - the time to share and confide in you is her choice. Do, however, show that even though this is difficult for you to understand, you are a person she can trust, who loves her, and who wants the best for her.

I would also refer her to Oasis - if and only if her privacy is respected by you and your husband. Like the name indicates, this website is a safe haven for many of us, where we do not have to fear judgement from others.

"MY QUESTION: How does a loving religious mother accept/adjust to the fact that her daughter is Gay?"

As I said above, I would go through the Bible and make your own interpretation of it based on what is culturally relevant to you. As I said earlier, you're on the right path.

Thank you for taking the time to post here, and if you have questions, you can either reply here or send me a personal message.

INEEDANSWERS's picture

Thank you ALL for your responses...

You all have given me so much information and insight on the Gay community. As for my religious responses, I apologize if anyone took them to be cold or malicious. Yes, this website is meant to be a safe haven for the LGBT community, and my intentions are not to offend anyone here. Having said that, I do feel obligated to educate you all (my daughter included) on what God's Inspired Word the Bible has to say on homosexuality. I will not continue to post religious view-points on here, as I am sure they are not appreciated very much. Still, if we ever have to answer for the things we have done in this life, you cannot say that no one told you so. That is MY point - You cannot blame a person for something when they honestly didn't know right from wrong. But if you are told what the truth is, you now have a responsibility with that truth... and will be held accountable for it.

MOVING ON

Today my daughter said she felt like she was going crazy! She said she is still very much so angry at her Therapist. We didn't talk about her being Gay today... but I feel that our whole household has changed because of this information. My husband and I are trying not to treat her any differently, but I have to admit guys... I feel differently towards her :(
NOT that I don't love her still - But I just feel like she went from a 14 year old child to an adult over night (if that makes any sense?). She just doesn't seem like my innocent 14 year old baby anymore... and that saddens me. All I can manage to think is that she wants to have sex with women!!??!! I know it sounds crazy... but that's how I feel. We hugged and I gave her really loving and encouraging advice. I got her all of her favorite foods, then gave her a little something to help her sleep good tonight (she hasn't been able to get much sleep lately). My baby is now tucked in bed sleeping the night away... while I'm up concerned, scared, and frustrated!!! Uuuuuhhhhhhg :-/

~ A Concerned Parent

jeff's picture

Hmm...

"All I can manage to think is that she wants to have sex with women!!??!! I know it sounds crazy... but that's how I feel."

This probably has to do with the fact that you see homosexuality as a sex act, and not just a way people live their life. If she had a crush on a boy, you wouldn't see that as "she wants to have sex with men?!"

You can feel safe in knowing that there have been enough religious people before you to have likely told everyone on here "his word" by now, so let's just focus on your daughter. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

INEEDANSWERS's picture

AGREED... no more religious

AGREED... no more religious talk. I came on here to get support and insight on helping my daughter... I'll just stick to that from now on.

~ A Concerned Parent

MaddieJoy's picture

I'm glad that you are

I'm glad that you are looking for ways to support your daughter. I gave my mom a pamphlet when I came out and she took it and we have barely spoken of it since. I keep wishing that she would talk to me but don't know how to start a conversation about it. This may be the case with your daughter, so you should ask if she wants to talk about it more (provided you're ready for that conversation yourself). If you ever figure out how to reconcile her orientation with your bible, I think it would be great for you to bookmark the passages that show your God loves her. It would be comforting to her to know that a trusted adult thought that her God loved her, I'm sure.
You said you have been her mother for 6 months. This in itself could be a large part of the problem. I have no doubt that you love your daughter, but maybe you two need to get to know eachother (MUCH) better before you talk about this. Just having a good way of communicating could be another step in the right direction. My mom and I use a special journal where we write exactly what we are thinking/feeling. The only rules are "don't be mean" and "listen to the other person," with an optional "no dads allowed" rule. It really helped us get through a rough time.
I hope you and your daughter have many happy, loving years together!
--MJ

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

MommaMia's picture

Gay vs. Bi

I've read some of the comments made here and if this girl is attracted to boys, dated boys or has enjoyed sex with boys and also is attracted to girls, and wants to now date girls and wants to engage in sex with girls, does that really mean she's gay? My understanding of being gay is that you're born that way just as a heterosexual is born that way. If you change your mind somewhere along the line, are you really gay or are you just bi? And those who are bi, in my opinion, are not really gay...that just means they're open enough to be attracted to everyone.

MaddieJoy's picture

Um, not really

you're right, you ARE born that way--but you can't change your mind. You're born gay, straight, etc. or bi and that's that. But often people end up having relationships with the opposite sex before they realize they are gay. Just having sex with guys doesn't make her bi.
But whether bis are gay depends on your definition of the word. If "gay" means "homosexual," then no, we're not--we're bisexual. But if it means "not straight; part of the 'gay community'" then yeah, we are.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

InsanityTakesAll's picture

good for her.

thats all i have to say.
-Nik

PapaJim's picture

Sexuality and children

I am a Jehovah's Witness, Foster parent that has had a daughter that leaned toward Lesbianism. I have gone through some of the same things you are going through. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. I first recognized her tendencies when she was watching "High school musical" and the lead actor and actress where kissing and she wished she was the boy in that scene. When I tried to correct her thinking it was a grammatical mistake she re-emphasized how pretty she thought the actress was and how she wanted to be the one kissing her. From age 7 we have encouraged her to leave sexuality alone for a time and focus on being a kid. She is now 12. She has plenty of time to discover who she is when she gets older. We don't allow her to have a "boyfriend" of either gender and we emphasize being in a stable relationship (Married if applicable) before beginning physical expressions of love. At this point in her life she considers herself to be bisexual which is surprising to me because I did not think that she was attracted to males at all. I think the advice is sound for either gay or straight kids. Just take it easy and enjoy being a kid!

MaddieJoy's picture

this is pretty good advice

however I "left my sexuality alone" and ended up avoiding it for way too long. I would encourage her to be honest with herself about who she is & not ignore it.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball