Of depression and Delusions...

hellonwheels's picture

How I hate being gay. I feel like lately I am reverting back to where I was during my teen years.

I have no Energy anymore. Ever.

I am losing my mind.

As my depression worsens from factors that are completely out of my control, I revert back to my teen years. Full of anxiety, anger, angst....

I go back to the old me. Unable to process conscious thoughts. Unable to think. Unable to interact with others. I merely exist.

I dunno, but it seems like lately I have been going back to old paranoid delusions of the possibilities that used to haunt me.

My dad finding out I am gay and murdering myself and my mom.

My dad's family's wars coming back to haunt me,. his old enemies and his old delusions of grandure that everyone one was out to get HIM coming back to haunt me.

I mean, hell...this week, a young kid brought a gun to school, and that gun went off. He was running away from home, and was afraid, so he brought that gun with him, and it accidentally went off and shot a classsmate.

That could easily have been me as a kid. Easily. Soeaking of that, there have been four shootings and one stabbing in my county in the last two weeks. Maybe it is true what they say, that the weird things always happen in February. Idk though.

I feel like lately, I am just unable to focus, sleep @ night, or do anything. i never have energy, so when I do sleep, I never get outta bed, etc.

I need to get out of this rut. But I am not sure how...such is life, I guess. I am always failing somehow. IDK.

Comments

Just Dave's picture

Preaching to the choir...

"How I hate being gay. I feel like lately I am reverting back to where I was during my teen years."
"I feel like lately, I am just unable to focus, sleep @ night, or do anything. i never have energy, so when I do sleep, I never get outta bed, etc."

A-freaking-men.

I don't know how to get out of the rut. For me, it's exercise and the outdoors, but it's hard to overcome apathy and actually do these things. A good movie maybe? Different for everybody I guess.

hellonwheels's picture

excercise and the the outdoors definitely help!

or at least they have been for me the past week!

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman