some days, i miss you so badly i can hardly breathe. i see you. in airports. in line at work. in faces of others. and i don't know if i should look away or look again.
"i wish nothing but the best for you, too,
don't forget me, i beg.
i remember you said,
'sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.'"
i found pictures of us, the ones i haven't destroyed... and it hurt. because i do miss you. as a friend. as a best friend. some days i miss you as a lover, a girlfriend, the one i loved so dearly. but i mostly miss the way you were there, my friend. my dear, dear friend. i think of you... almost every day.
and i know i'm in love with this wonderful woman, who is the one. from the first moment she spoke to me, i was hooked. the way she smiled at me, i was lost in it. her eyes swallowed me. i knew i loved her when she giggled over those stupid blue tables at my new job. she and i laugh until we can't breathe, and when we make love i see stars, the world falls away as my mind spins and we surpass reality. i live with her and i love her and she and i share interests and friends and joys... when she kisses me i forget how to breathe... we've seen each other at our worsts, we've held each other while we cried, we're so intimately connected, it's like nothing i've ever known. it's finally what i needed and wanted and have ever yearned for.
and i know it probably would have killed you to think that she's the one i left you for.
please, hate me still. when i think of it, i hate myself for hurting you so badly. i hope you've moved on, i hope that you've found someone who makes you happier than i ever could have. i hope that you've reached inner peace, that your demons don't haunt you like they did, that your nightmares are less frequent. i hope that you get to spend so much time around horses, that you are well and happy. that you don't think of me and still ache. i hope you've become addicted to another, the way she moves, the way she dances, the taste of her lips, the way she touches you. the ways i wish i could've, if i were the one for you. i wish the very best for you. i really do.
i know i broke your heart, i know you probably still hate me, i know i deserve it.
and i'm so sorry. and i miss you.