We talked again about "it" today...

INEEDANSWERS's picture

When my daughter came home from school... I sat and talked with her about the whole "Gay" subject again. She was mortified and didn't even want to talk... but she managed to do so. I just told her that I want her to educate herself on s few things. Things like STD's, people stereotyping her, and some prejudices she might have to endure as a result of her lifestyle. I just want her to be well informed, that way she can know how to deal with different things.

SHE of course basically told me that I'm not having to deal with being Gay... and that I didn't know what I was talking about :-/

Comments

RainbowTime's picture

i wouldn't confront her about it

its very very horrible and awkward when someone confronts you about this so don't bring it up really if she wants to talk about it and she asks talk but don't try to start a conversation about this.

btw, if your still going to confront her about it (again it will extremely annoying and awkward for her) don't do it often if you feel you have to leave a gap of a day or 2 inbetween

look at 14 she would already have learned about this at school, must people learn about them at 8-12 some even at 5.

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

RainbowTime's picture

double post

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

elph's picture

Being gay/lesbian...

...is not a lifestyle! Regrettably, this term --- especially when used to label gays/lesbians --- has a very negative connotation.

Being gay is an innate orientation. This is the current majority view of professional psychologists.

One does not "decide" to be gay in order to achieve peer popularity... or to be rebellious. Being gay is not a choice!

But, just as for everyone else, choices need to be made every moment of every day and in every walk of life. If there is some utility seen in characterizing any subset of personal "choices" collectively as indicative of a lifestyle... no problem!

But... one's innate sexuality is not in itself a lifestyle.

jeff's picture

Well...

Assuming she has access to the Internet, she can find all of that out on her own.

The important thing here is she didn't come out to you, probably because she wasn't ready to come out to you. Her therapist violated her trust and revealed her confidential information to you. If this is something she wanted to discuss, she would have already told you. She didn't.

So, you know. She knows you know. At this point, your role is to be her mom and if she wants to bring it up, she will.

Lots of lesbians figure out how to be one without their mother's help and guidance.

I would also say you're both in the same boat: she's not ready to talk to you about it, and you're probably not ready to counsel her about it. So, ignore it, until she brings it up.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

don't confront her about it

EVER

don't ask her alot about it
don't be a bible pusher to her
don't be judgemental
don't act like shes a different person
and don't engage her in conversation is she DOESN'T want to talk about

and being lesbian, gay & bi is NOT a lifestyle or a choice to ANYONE

Dracofangxxx's picture

Actually I'm gonna go against what most people say here,

IT IS GOOD to talk to your kids about their sexuality, but NOT when you're still having trouble accepting it.

I mean, everyone has to have "the talk" with their kids, but you should be COMPLETELY prepared to tell her everything, and accepting, too! It would show that you care enough to discuss how to be safe, in the same way you might tell your straight kids how to use condoms, etc...

And funnily enough, lesbians have the lowest rate of STD's, so that's good, right? :)

Anyways, the whole thing here is, you need to realize your daughter doesn't choose to be gay. But you DO choose to be religious. My number one problem with religious people is when they stop thinking for themselves completely and drive EVERY single moral from the bible- YOU are not the bible, you are not god, you are a human being that can decide for itself what to believe is good or wrong.

I don't think any God can go against a mother loving her child no matter what. That seems like the most kind act you can do.

Your points above ARE right- but it's possible you approached them wrong. You probably seemed like you were trying to convince her to not be gay... Which you can't do!

Tell her to be PROUD of herself and that you're PROUD that she had the courage to come out to you. It's a hard thing to figure out and admit to someone!

Frankly- You ARE a good mother. Don't think that any of this is your fault or anything. You haven't kicked her out, you've stayed with her.. It's very caring already. Think of being gay as who she loves, not who she has sex with. Sex is nature- Everyone has it. You had it! Was it so wrong for you? And hopefully you had sex with the one you love, right?

That beautiful feeling of having sex, a touching moment between two people that love each other dearly, will happen with your little girl. I can't say it won't. BUT you need to see it more than some dirty sex act- Because it's really not! Just because it is two women doesn't mean the sex is all about lust, or is less meaningless.

In fact, even if she was straight, she'd possibly be having sex with boys- Which is not only more likely to be pressured into and risky, seems a lot more gross to me.

Kids are gonna' have sex- That's part of nature! It's hardwired into WHO WE ARE. All you have to do is help her make smart decisions. Sex shouldn't be about the parts. It should be about the love!...

I think, just stop seperating gay from straight. People like, love, have sex with, marry, and date PEOPLE, not a piece of organ between their legs. That doesn't define them. You didn't choose to like boys- And then, you didn't think about sex immediately, right? So your daughter is no different :]
-
That's redick!

radiosilence95's picture

Didn't really read other

Didn't really read other people's comments, so I might repeat some things. I apologize for that in advance.

I've read your past few journals, so this is kind of a response to all of what I've read from you so far, not just this journal. And let me just start by saying I cannot completely understand exactly what you're going through. Because I'm not a mother, I'm not religious, and I'm not straight.

It's good that you want your daughter to educate herself about STDs and prejudices. But I'm not sure that's entirely necessary, despite your good intentions. Your daughter can and will figure all of this out. And I know this might hurt, but she'll figure it all out without your help.

As a lesbian who just came out to my mom, I expect my mother to ask questions, yes. BUT not in a condescending, disgusted way. I expect my mom to ask questions out of genuine, well meant curiosity, not because she's interrogating me about my sexuality.

But I also want my mom to refrain from suffocating me with questions and information. Forcing your daughter to talk about this will only put a rift between the two of you. When she's ready to discuss this with you further, she will let you know. Trust me. She'll come to you, open and ready to have a calm, non-confrontational chat.

In the meantime, all you can do is make yourself available for that discussion. Don't make sarcastic or derogatory little comments during dinner, and don't do or say anything that makes her feel like she can't come to you. Just be open for that moment that she is ready to talk.

And don't think I'm incapable of seeing things from your perspective, because I do. I understand that you're afraid for your daughter, afraid for what this means for her future. But that fear will fade in time. I know that you're a religious person, but...if your daughter meets a wonderful woman who makes her feel amazing and genuinely loves her and makes her the happiest girl in the world, can you really bring yourself to hate that? Surely you want nothing but happiness for your daughter. And letting her be who she was born to be will give her that happiness.

I know this is hard to do, but try not to worry too much. Your daughter will be okay. She will face judgement and hardships because of who she is, which is incredibly unfair. But she'll deal with it, and she'll become a strong, independent woman because of it.

People like making a big deal out of being gay, but honestly, it's really nothing to freak out over. Her being gay does not change the person she is. It doesn't entirely define her identity. Being gay does not make a person. So you can stop capitalizing the word gay, because it's really not that big of a deal, even though society makes it seem like it is. Love is love. And if your daughter finds love in another woman, then you should be happy for her.

angel syndrome's picture

While being gay is not a

While being gay is not a lifestyle, it does impact the way you live your life and the way you relate to others, and it's difficult.

No, as a straight person, you cannot inherently come close to understanding how a heteronormative culture affects a homosexual. While she might have been saying it out of anger, it's true.

http://sap.mit.edu/content/pdf/heterosexual_privilege.pdf

I'd suggest reading the list above. Particularly item 16 and 39.

INEEDANSWERS's picture

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your responses. I DO agree with some of what you guys have been saying... but then again... I DON'T. I think its incredibly crazy for you guys to tell me NOT to have a talk with my daughter about STD's and life in general. YES she very well can learn these things on her own without my help... but when?? When she's in some Dr's office being treated for some STD she contracted? NO. Im all about keeping it real with her, and helping her to educate herself on LIFE... not just on being Gay. Sorry... but I love my daughter, and Im going to give her every sort of weapon to battle this thing called life!
~ A Concerned Parent

MacAvity's picture

...

It's fine for you to talk to her about all of it - just treat it the same as you would if her interest lay in boys. As to STDs, it's easier for a girl to catch them from a boy than from another girl. Talk to her about them, but only if you'd do the same for a straight daughter. If she feels pressure from you to act straight, she's more likely to do risky things, including possibly having risky sex with boys in an attempt to change her orientation.

She's a lesbian, so help her follow a healthy path that involves being a lesbian.

Also, find a different therapist. Telling you about what your daughter said was a serious breach of confidentiality - unprofessional, probably illegal, and sure to destroy any trust your daughter had for the therapist.

And, hey. I admire what you're doing - trying to educate yourself about this sort of thing so you really can be the best parent your daughter could have. It takes courage to be willing to change your views. Thank you. God bless you both.

jeff's picture

Well...

Sure, if you were planning to talk to her about STIs this week, and it was already on your calendar long before you illegally found out about her sexuality, then stay on plan, I guess...

But, your daughter is likely to connect (as anyone would) that your sudden interest in STIs is based on her therapist's recent disclosure about her sexuality, especially since you already said you connect homosexuality directly to sexual activity and same-sex sexual activity to a sin outside of God's plan.

Just seems VERY coincidental, especially since she is saying that instead of sleeping with boys, who can get her pregnant, she is interested in being part of the demographic with the lowest rate of STIs across the board (since lesbians had lower HIV infection rates than heterosexuals, which is an indicator that they would thus be lowest for others, as well).

Again, if you were planning for weeks now to be rolling condoms onto bananas with her this week, and now you're just going to switch it up and add dental dams and other lesbian-specific additions, then I apologize for jumping to conclusions.

But just so I understand... you want to take the subject she's uncomfortable talking about in general... and not even wait a week or so for that to settle in, but instead ramp that up and talk to her in graphic precautionary sexual detail as part of sexual awareness, about the sexuality that both you and she aren't comfortable with yet, and that she is not comfortable talking to you about yet?

Not to mention, even if you were to go read about lesbian safe sex, it would probably be equally bad for you, since you won't just be reading a list of unsafe things, you'll be imagining these are things she might do, or want to do. It sounds like a bad scene all around.

I'm not saying you can't talk to her about it. The timing seems way off, though.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

INEEDANSWERS's picture

Let me back up...

Let me give you guys a little bit more information about this situation. Again, she is my Foster Daughter. She is in my care, but the Department of Human Services in our state has legal custody of her. THEY make her go to weekly therapy sessions... and she doesn't have a choice. When she first started therapy, 2 months ago, she had the option of signing a release form. This form stated that the Therapist was allowed to share information with me regarding the things that they talked about. Was is shady of the Therapist to tell me so soon? YES! Did she loose my daughters trust? YES! Does my daughter want to go back to her next week? NO! However, I am glad that the Therapist told me. Secrets ALWAYS have a way of coming out... better now than later right? Unfortunately, my daughter doesn't have a choice... she HAS to go to Therapy. Maybe we can see about switching her Therapist... but that's ONLY if DHS agrees.
~ A Concerned Parent

jeff's picture

Well...

Sounds like an easy fix. Switch therapists and DON'T sign that release form this time.

It doesn't really matter if you're happy about the therapist telling you, since you're not the person in therapy. She would have come out to you when she was ready, and that would have avoided you wanting to bring it up now and all this other stuff she didn't want yet.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)