==★

angel syndrome's picture

i am feeling better i think but
feeling at all is difficult for
everyone i think.

i am just uneasy and i just want calm,
i am just so tired yet sleepless

'i love you' is such a complicated phrase.
because nothing before it counts.
knowing that the last person you said it to
said it to someone else
is painful.

i mean i have shared feelings and experiences with people since
i've been in bed with other men and felt close to other men
and felt compassion and intimacy and empathy
and had beautiful moments
i've had other men tell me i was beautiful and all sorts of nice things.

but i haven't said 'i love you' in that way to anyone
since being with him.

i don't know if it's still love or simple jealously or feelings of entitlement.
it's probably just deeply narcissistic and needy
and it doesn't matter anyway probably.

Comments

jeff's picture

Err...

Not sure about:

'i love you' is such a complicated phrase.
because nothing before it counts.

This seems wrong. Everything before it counts massively. All of the random chance and little moments that got you from strangers to that point seem way more interesting and should never be discounted. When you interact with couples, it is always "How did you meet?" and "When did you know?" It is never who said "I love you" or when.

knowing that the last person you said it to
said it to someone else
is painful.

Why? This seems like intentional self-sabotage. They're saying it to YOU, NOW. Remember *ALL* relationships fail, until one doesn't. The concept of love changes over time, as you learn what you need and desire from a relationship, so the love you have for your first crush in high school seems like the most massive, immutable thing ever... but when you're 20, you'll likely laugh about what a mess you were, and how wrong you were.

Also, context matters. If someone that says it to you was dumped before, their partner cheated on them, etc., it may have taken them a long time to rebuild and get to the point where they could trust someone else again, after thinking for years they never would, and now, they are saying it to you, and taking that step forward that they wondered if was ever going to be possible again....

And you're thinking, "Eh, they've said that before..."?!

Relationships thrive with more mystery and less history. If you use their past to push away your present you'll have no future.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)