At the moment there are two questions that just don’t leave me in peace:
1. Am I attracted to my teacher?
2. Am I attracted to a woman?
It looks weird enough to see it written down, in cold print and everything, but it feels even worse. It explains part of my confusion going on in my mind right now.
Let’s review why I might conclude that I could possibly be attracted to my teacher.
It’s my music teacher that I’m talking about.
Music is already a huge part of my life and I feel like I need it especially in hard, confusing and stressed times like I experience at the moment. So basically I ended up being in the music room every week day, even when I had nothing to do there. Just to hang around, have lunch or do homework. A side effect of that is that I always meet my music teacher. And of course she noticed that I am always there.
I have the intention she started dealing a little more with me than she does with a regular student who she would see only once a week. When she asks me how I am doing, she wants an honest answer and not the rhetorical, typical answer of “I’m fine”, or something like that. I feel like she cares about me, and that she makes me feel important. When I answer how I am doing, she is interested in that and she understands. And I feel like she’s an exception among my teachers at that point.
Different things happened recently. I am part of the jazz band which is led by the music teacher and last week we planned to perform outside of school. For that everybody had to wear fine black clothes, but I didn’t have a black blouse as it was required. She was so nice and lent me one of hers. I am not sure why that means so much to me. It is true that her and us (the jazz band), we have kind of like an amicable relationship, so it shouldn’t be too special that one friend lends another friend her blouse, right? Still, it is like something kind of physical. At least I can be sure, she compared our bodies. If she wouldn’t have done that she would not have offered me her blouse.
Maybe it’s just too unusual for me to feel like somebody is actually interested in me and looks at me in a way that’s more than the way you look at strangers in the street. And now I have the feeling that she looked at me even closer. She is interested in how I am really doing. And she looked at my physique (and the blouse actually perfectly fit me).
So on Tuesday we were on our field trip on which we would perform. During a break another teacher got to know me and the conversation went somehow like that:
Teacher: Hey, I never got to know you!
Me: It’s because I am new at the school. I’m Flochetta.
Teacher (to my music teacher): She’s so cute! (That she says about so many persons, it doesn’t mean anything)
My music teacher: Also she’s really talented.
Wow, it’s like I never heard that before. And I trust her that she says what she really means. It means a lot because she herself is very gifted, but also very critical minded. She thinks I have talent. :)
Well okay, all that still doesn’t explain why I might be attracted to her, right?
Am I just thankful for her treating me as somebody valuable, for helping me through a hard time (even if it’s just by being the MUSIC teacher), for being interested in me?
Is she just like a friend?
Is it just admiration?
Is she just like an idol?
Or is she more?
I have noticed that I see her more positive than other students do. I can’t tell why that’s the case.
If I would know whether I’m attracted to women or not, it would definitely be easier to distinguish whether my thoughts about my teacher are still “normal” or not.